In Another Life
by Terminally Introverted
Summary: Kiku has been a hospice nurse for seven years, and his life has fallen into a comfortable, if not slightly boring, routine. But that all changes when he transfers to a new hospital, meets Heracles Karpusi, and he begins to see the world in a whole new light.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note: I would like to thank the lovely catholicorprotestant for answering my many questions about nursing. I tried to make this fic as medically accurate as possible and did hours of research, but if there are errors, I hope you all can forgive them. After all, this is fiction, not a medical textbook. ;)**

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><p>For most people, work was an unavoidable if not unfortunate part of life. For Kiku, it <em>was<em> his life…even if his job revolved around seeing people lose theirs.

Being a hospice nurse was never something Kiku planned to do. It was never something he dreamed about as a child, never something that crossed his mind when he wrote essays in grade school about what he wanted to be when he grew up. Throughout his childhood and adolescence, he knew only one thing about what he wanted to do- he wanted to help people. That combined with grades good enough to get into a college with a great nursing program led him to just that. Hospice was something that simply happened somewhere along the line, and he did not fight it.

The seven years that passed between the time he started nursing and the day he moved across the country flew past him in a blur of monotony. This was not to say he disliked his job; it was not even to say it was boring. Even in the midst of the chaos nursing brought to his life, he was able to find some semblance of a routine. Most days were fine. Kiku liked immersing himself in his work, he liked the majority of his patients even if conversation never came easy to him, and he liked feeling useful. Some days were sadder than others, some brought new challenges…but most were simply, fine.

And things stayed that way until Kiku moved across the country, found a new job at new hospital, and his entire life turned on its side.

.

After Kiku parked his car in front of the hospital- the one that was at least three times the size of his old one- he yawned and leaned against the steering wheel. He had not managed to sleep as long as he planned, since his nerves had kept him up. In reality, the nerves were baseless. He knew how to do this. He'd taken vitals, assessed the needs of patients and administered medication more times than he could ever possibly count. He was good at his job, and he had been doing it for seven years. Somehow, that thought did nothing to calm his racing pulse.

Kiku sighed, smoothed down his scrubs and finally exited his car. No matter how nervous he was, he wasn't about to let his punctuality slip. His professionalism was always something he prided himself on.

When Kiku entered the staff room, he nearly had a heart attack when he was swept into a sudden hug. He broke away, stunned and uncomfortable, to see a small man standing in front of him. He had a huge smile on his face and strangely enough, one wild curl sticking out of his mess of amber hair. He was dressed similarly to Kiku, so it could be assumed he was also a nurse. He was slightly relieved to see another male nurse, since he had felt so out of place in his last shift. He could already tell whoever this was had quite the personality. The patients must love him.

"You must be the new nurse! Dr. Beilschmidt told us you were starting today, my name is Feliciano, what's yours?" He said it all in one breath, his jumping Italian accent filling the entire room.

Kiku blinked away his confusion and put his professional expression back on. "I am not new to this, if that is what you meant. I simply transferred. I have been a nurse for seven years." He said. The last thing he needed were his new coworkers thinking he was some inexperienced rookie. "My name is Kiku."

"Oh, I like that name! Japanese, right?" asked Feliciano. Kiku nodded. "Okay, cool! Well, my shift just ended but I'd be more than happy to stick around for a bit! I don't want you to be confused or anything- wait, you need to meet Dr. Beilschmidt!"

Kiku allowed himself to be pulled to the other side of the room by Feliciano. Sitting at the table was a large, stone-faced man. His rigid posture and slicked hair implied he did not take nonsense from anyone. Once he caught sight of Kiku, however, his expression seemed to soften. He stood up and extended his hand. "Hello, my name is Doctor Ludwig Beilschmidt. I was told you moved here recently, Kiku?"

Kiku shook his hand firmly and nodded. "Yes, that is correct. I assure you I know exactly what I'm doing." He said, making sure to force himself to hold eye contact.

Dr. Beilschmidt nodded. "Our house supervisor had nothing but positive things to say. No worries there." He broke eye contact to read something off his clipboard, much to Kiku's relief. "You will be meeting your first patient today. He is right down the hall, actually."

Kiku blinked. That was certainly unusual. "Patients are usually cared for in their own homes."

"This is a special case," said Dr. Beilschmidt. "It is…a bit of a long story."

Kiku did not want to ask. Instead, he simply sat down with Feliciano and Dr. Beilschmidt to go over the change-of-shift report. By the end, he knew only a couple pieces of vital information about his soon to be patient. His name was Heracles, he had congestive heart failure, he was admitted under a week ago, and he was recently told he had- at most- six months to live.

Kiku felt a shudder shoot through his body at the idea. He had always hated the first day with a new patient. Sometimes they were angry, sometimes they were terrified, and they were almost always sad. Kiku could never be sure which was harder to deal with. When Dr. Beilschmidt asked if he had any questions, he simply shook his head. It was a lie by omission- he had about a hundred questions. But not a single one had to do with the job itself, so he said nothing.

After the little meeting, Kiku loaded up his cart and set off down the hall. With every step, his heart pounded almost painfully in his chest. _Calm down, _he told himself, _this is only work. Be professional. _He looked down at his chart and tried to think of his patient as only a number, a necessary part of his career like he had so many times before…but he could never quite do it. This was a person he was about to meet- a person who was terminally ill. The situation always reminded Kiku of his late grandfather. He had succumbed to Alzheimer's, and the last time he saw Kiku he didn't know who he or Yao were. By the time he finished mulling over the memory and recovered from the heavy feeling in his chest, he arrived at the room.

He knocked a few times. "H-hello, this is your nurse." Kiku cursed himself for his shaking voice. He needed to make this patient feel secure in his ability to care for him.

A sleepy, quiet voice came from the other side. "Come in."

Kiku opened the door and nearly dropped the chart he was holding. He had expected an elderly man- his patients had almost always been seniors. The person staring back at him from the bed was young, likely within a few years of his own age. Surely he had the wrong room…no, this was the one. He had checked at least three times. Surely there had been some kind of mix-up… "Heracles?" He said his name like he wasn't sure about it. After all, this couldn't possibly be Heracles…

"That's me. Are you going to come in?" He sounded so calm; too calm for the circumstances.

_"__Hai."_ Kiku bit the inside of his cheek. He hadn't meant to let his mother tongue slip; he was just so shocked. "I mean, yes. Sorry."

Kiku walked up to his patient's bedside, and for the first he was able to get good look at him. He had a mop of unruly brown hair that fell lazily to almost his shoulders, soft features, and sleepy green eyes that stared calmly back at him. He possessed the undeniable dew of youth, though it was muddled by obvious fatigue. Kiku glanced down at his chart and read the line he must have missed- Date of Birth: 3/25/83. Heracles Karpusi was twenty-seven years old, a mere two years younger than Kiku. He felt his chest tighten in a way he had never felt towards a patient. He was just so _young… _

Kiku didn't realize he had been staring until Heracles smiled at him. It was a slight, lazy grin that could barely be seen, but it was definitely there. "Are you going to do something?" There was no impatience in his voice.

"Oh, um, yes, I do apologize." Kiku had to force himself to take his eyes off of Heracles. That smile stayed in his thoughts, and before long he noticed his face was warm for reasons he wasn't sure of.

It wasn't until Kiku was halfway through checking his vitals that Heracles spoke again. "You seem nervous." There was a long pause before he continued. "I never did get your name."

Kiku mentally reprimanded himself. How did he become so transfixed that he forgot something so important? More importantly, he knew he should not come across as nervous. "How unprofessional." He said under his breath. "I apologize. My name is Kiku."

"Kiku is a nice name." Heracles tilted his head as if he were confused. "You say you're sorry a lot. Since I've met you, you've apologized three times."

Kiku immediately felt himself grow embarrassed. Apologizing a lot was a habit that he could never seem to break. "Oh. I'm-" He quickly stopped himself. He had almost done it again. For the purpose of saving face, he quickly changed the topic. "Heracles Karpusi… that is Greek, correct?" He was actually completely certain it was Greek, but at least the question filled the silence.

Heracles nodded. "Yes. And you are Japanese." The way he spoke was interesting. It was as if everything he said was in slow motion.

Kiku nodded. Before he could think of something else to say, Heracles gripped the front of his shirt and his eyes grew suddenly wide. "Chest hurts…"

An unfamiliar jolt of panic surged through Kiku's veins upon remembering what condition he was dealing with. He had seen patients in pain plenty of times before, why did seeing this make him feel like he himself was in pain, too? He forced himself to maintain a stoic expression. "Please remain calm. Your medication should help."

Heracles looked up and their eyes locked. He looked so young…too young for this. Kiku felt a surprising little jump in his chest. "Thank you." Heracles's words came out in a weak breath. His face pinched, and he closed his eyes.

Kiku nodded and quickly handed him his slew of medication. It always shocked him, even after all these years as a nurse; just how many pills his patients took. It seemed as though there were a pill for just about everything under the sun. Most of the pills given to Heracles were mainly to keep him comfortable- diuretics for swelling, something to help the pain…but it still seemed like an ungodly amount for someone in their twenties.

In the short amount of time Kiku had to review Heracles's file, he learned that he was here because his medications had stopped working. His heart failure was hereditary, but it had progressed much faster than the doctors had anticipated. _Much _faster. It made him feel almost guilty. Here he was, completely healthy, while someone even younger than him was forced to face this. Not long after the thought passed through his mind, he noticed Heracles rubbing his legs.

"Here," said Kiku. He took two pillows from the copious amount on the bed and propped up his legs. "This will help with the swelling."

"You are very kind." Heracles said. Then he yawned. "I am very tired." And he looked tired. His eyelids were heavy and surrounded by dark circles. He carried himself as though his limbs were twice as heavy as they ought to be.

"If there is nothing else you need, I can leave you alone to nap."

"No." Kiku was shocked at the uncharacteristic swiftness of Heracles's response. His tone quickly snapped back into its usual slowness. "You can stay. I don't have to sleep right now."

The realization hit like a wave of cold water: Heracles was lonely. How could he not be, considering he only had four white walls to look at all day? Kiku felt a twinge of sympathy hit him like a punch to the stomach. With careful deliberateness, he set his chart down and sat in a chair by his bedside. What was the harm? Heracles was his only patient that day. "Yes, I am able to stay for a bit."

Heracles smiled in that subtle way again, but it only passed over his lips for a moment. He switched his position from sitting to lying down and met Kiku's gaze again. "So," he began, "you are new."

Kiku shook his head instinctually. "I have been a nurse for years. I am only new to this hospital." He said. Heracles nodded, and then there was silence. Kiku's mind buzzed with questions- what was he supposed to talk about? He could never be sure just how friendly his patients wanted to get with him. He decided to start as safely as he could. "Are you from here?"

Heracles blinked. Even that seemed to be in slow motion. "I moved from Greece a few years ago." He winced, likely from another wave of pain, but continued regardless. "I lived with my roommate Sadiq, now I live here." He said it as though two sentences was more than enough to cover his entire life story.

The way he said he lived in the hospital caused Kiku to frown. Even though he spent a good amount of his time at the hospital, he couldn't imagine _living _there. It certainly felt like anything but a home. "And your parents?"

"They both died." He said it way too nonchalantly. "Both had the same thing. Heart failure."

Kiku felt his blood run cold. Both his parents had passed, and he was in hospice care at the age of twenty-seven. How was he not crying? How was he not devastated by how unfair it was? "Oh." Kiku said finally. "I'm sorry." He knew he shouldn't be apologizing, but he could not think of a single appropriate thing to say besides those two words.

Heracles only blinked, seemingly unfazed. "How about you? Who do you live with?"

"I live alone," said Kiku. "I moved here from Japan for college. My parents still live there."

Heracles drew his eyebrows together. "Does living alone get lonely?"

"Not really." Kiku's answer was an honest one. He liked living alone. The solitude was calming. "My brother Yao visits me sometimes."

"Your brother." Heracles visibly perked up, even if only slightly. "You have a sibling. What is that like?"

Kiku shrugged. Yes, he had a sibling. What more was there to say? "He is actually my half brother. Anyway, it's fine." He said. "He was always the more popular one. He is more extroverted." Yao wasn't the most outgoing person on the planet, but he certainly had a larger circle of friends than Kiku did. Kiku couldn't say it bothered him.

Heracles nodded in understanding. "My cat is like my sibling." Suddenly, his eyes darkened in what looked like sadness. "I miss my cat. He's my only real friend besides Sadiq. And Sadiq can be a jerk."

Kiku was beyond stunned. When Heracles spoke, it didn't sound as though he was expecting sympathy. His voice didn't hold much of any emotion, really. He simply stated the facts like they were nothing. He tried his best to push the thoughts from his mind, reminding himself that Heracles was only a patient. "I like cats too." He could not think of anything else to say. "But I have never owned one. I'm too busy."

Heracles looked slightly incredulous. "You should get a cat. Cats are wonderful. They are like friends." He paused for a long moment. "Kiku?"

"Yes?"

"When you said your brother was more popular than you, did you mean that you don't have many friends?"

Kiku was taken aback to the point that he said nothing for a good ten seconds. What a strange question. He would have thought it was rude under almost any other circumstances, but the unassuming way Heracles asked it made him not think it was. He felt his ears grow hot when he realized what his answer was. Feeling embarrassed about the sad state of his social life, he finally said, "Well, I suppose I do not."

He almost expected Heracles to laugh or make a snide comment, despite how abnormal he already knew that would be. Instead, Heracles's blank expression remained unchanged. "I could be your friend, if you would like. I can't have my cat here, so it would be nice to have a friend."

This had never happened with a patient before. Well, Heracles was nothing if not straightforward. Kiku felt almost relieved that he would not have to guess what he meant. Once the relief passed, he was surprised when he realized, yes, he would like that. Not only did Heracles seem lonely, but there was also something different about him, something interesting. He supposed it wouldn't hurt to widen his social circle beyond his brother. "I think that would be alright."

"Okay." Heracles yawned again and sunk deeper into the pillow. "I think I will sleep now."

Kiku nodded. "Of course. Call if you need something."

Heracles nodded back, closed his pale green eyes, and that was the end of it. Kiku supposed that was all it took- they must be friends now. Was that usually how it worked? Probably not, but that probably did not matter. A feeling of lightness remained in his system as he packed up his things and exited the room, closing the door as gently as he could behind him. It wasn't until the door shut that reality came crashing down like a demolition site from somewhere inside of him. The truth set in, and Kiku remembered exactly what the situation was.

Heracles was dying.

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><p><em>To be continued...<em>


	2. Chapter 2

After Kiku left Heracles's room, he had to take a moment to collect himself. He had never, not in the seven years he had worked in this field, had a patient that young. He sighed and shook his head as if to clear it. This was unacceptable. He knew what he was getting himself into when he took this job so many years ago. He knew this kind of thing was possible. He should know how to handle it. Maybe he really wasn't cut out for this after all… no. No, he could do this. He had done this for years. Even if this somehow felt different, it should not be. He just needed to be more mindful about overstepping his boundaries. After taking one last deep breath, Kiku retreated back to the staff room.

When he arrived, he was surprised to see Feliciano still sitting at one of the tables. "I thought you said your shift had ended." He said.

Feliciano looked up and smiled at him. "It did, but I decided to stick around and do some paperwork. Plus I wanted to see how it went with your first patient! Would you like some coffee?"

Kiku didn't think he would ever get used to the way Feliciano spoke, jumping from one topic to the next with no breaks in between. Even so, there was something charming about the way he spoke. It made him feel welcome. "Um, yes. I would." He said. After his lack of sleep the previous night and the visit with Heracles, there was nothing he wanted more than coffee right then.

"Okay! Hold on!" Feliciano jumped up and scurried towards the coffee machine on the nearby counter. "How was Heracles, Kiku?"

Kiku sat down at the table. When he heard Heracles's name being spoken, he felt a little jolt of something he could not explain. It was a strange mix of excitement and dread. "He was fine." He said quietly. That wasn't the entire truth, but he couldn't find the right words to explain his feelings towards the visit. Instead, he veered off the subject. "Where is Dr. Beilschmidt?"

Feliciano handed him a mug of coffee and sat down next to him. "When he's not here, you can call him Ludwig." He smiled like he and Kiku were close friends and giggled. "He had to go visit a patient, but he'll be back soon. You can talk to me until then!"

"Alright." Kiku supposed that didn't sound too bad. At least Feliciano would do most of the talking. He took a sip of his coffee, and afterwards could think of only one thing he truly wanted to talk about. "Are you Heracles's nurse as well, Feliciano?" He tried to act nonchalant, tracing the lip of his mug with his finger as his spoke.

Feliciano nodded. "Yep, I take care of him during the morning. He's nice, right? He doesn't talk much, though."

That was one of the nice things about him. "No, he does not." He said. Before he could stop it, the one sentence that had been bouncing around in Kiku's mind finally escaped his lips. "He is very young."

The smile on Feliciano's lips fizzled out and died. "I know. It's really sad." His voice cracked in the middle of his sentence. "I wish I could do more to help him, but…" He trailed off and focused his eyes on the table in front of him. It didn't take long for Kiku to notice the tears forming in his eyes.

Kiku grew immediately uncomfortable. He had never been very good at comforting others, and his coworkers from his previous job were always good about keeping their emotions at bay. Slowly and awkwardly, he reached out and patted Feliciano's shoulder. "There, there," he said, and immediately grew even more flustered when he realized how strange he sounded.

Ludwig entered the room and Kiku was instantly flooded with relief. His attentive blue eyes landed on Feliciano and his brow furrowed. "What happened while I was gone?"

Feliciano waved his hand dismissively and offered a weak smile. "Oh, nothing. We were just talking about Heracles and I got a little sad."

Ludwig nodded knowingly and took a seat. "Yes, Heracles's case is a sad one. Frankly, I'm still baffled by it. He is decades too young for this disease," he said. "Well, at least his condition appears stable. As stable as it can be, really…" He sighed and trailed off.

Without thinking about it, Kiku decided to speak up again. "Does he know?" He asked. "I mean, well, are you sure he understands?"

Feliciano looked confused. "What do you mean?"

Kiku looked down into his coffee. He probably shouldn't have said anything. Regardless, he had to finish what he started. "He appears to be…very content," he said, trying his hardest to put his thoughts into words. "He does not seem upset."

Ludwig nodded. "Yes, I understand what you mean." He paused, and then shrugged. "He's been seeing one of our best psychiatrists, Dr. Williams. According to him, it seems as though Heracles is completely aware of the severity of his condition. It just does not seem to bother him, strange as it may be."

"But he is-" Kiku stopped speaking almost involuntarily before the last word passed his lips. _Dying. _He pushed the thought away. "I suppose I don't completely understand."

"Neither do we," said Feliciano. "I talk to him in the mornings when I check on him, but I don't really want to bring that up since that's such a downer."

Kiku nodded. It was definitely a 'downer;' more so than he would like to admit. He adverted his eyes and spoke without considering the consequences. "I could take on the time you spend in the morning with Heracles." He surprised himself when he said it. Was this what he wanted? He came to the conclusion in an instant: Yes, because Heracles was his friend now.

Ludwig looked at him dubiously for a moment, and then looked at Feliciano. "Feliciano, would that be alright with you? You do have a lot of patients to deal with."

Feliciano only hesitated for a moment before nodding. "Sure, Kiku can take care of him in the mornings. I _have_ been working a lot, I hardly even have time to paint anymore!" He said. "But Kiku, why do you want to take my patient?"

Kiku wondered if he was unfairly taking Feliciano's hours. "I do not wish to take your job from you, I…" _want to see him again. _"I think we get along well."

"You're not taking anything from me! We're so understaffed right now, less work in a huge relief, actually." Feliciano said with a reassuring smile. "Just keep me updated."

"It might actually be better for Heracles to have one consistent nurse. Try and get to know him. Maybe then he will feel more comfortable opening up to you." Ludwig said. Kiku hoped so. "Well, I suppose now would be a good time to go over the rest of your schedule."

After a brief rundown of the patients Kiku would be taking care of, he was dismissed.

After a ride home that seemed to take longer than an eternity, he found himself in front of his computer during an Internet search on congestive heart failure. Kiku wasn't completely sure why he was doing it. He knew what the condition was. He had dealt was patients in end-stage plenty of times, and after years of spending most of this waking hours around doctors, he knew almost all there was to know. But he had never seen it happen to someone so young. Surely there was an explanation somewhere online… In his quest for an answer, he read personal stories from people who suffered from it, the gritty details of their pain, and the grief of their family members- something he was usually able to separate himself from.

The longer Kiku read, the more his mind filled with images of green eyes, of soft features and feathery brown hair. The sound of Heracles's soft voice filled his ears like a catchy song, and the warm touch of his hand continued to linger on his skin. The pain on his face burned into Kiku's mind like a bad dream.

It wasn't until he switched off the monitor that Kiku realized his eyes were bleary.

.

Kiku had never had less trouble getting out of bed when his alarm sounded. Despite the fact that he was still adjusting to his new schedule and had trouble sleeping because of it, he was filled with a raw, boundless energy unlike anything he had felt in months. The beginning of his morning passed in a flurry: A breakfast he did not taste, A drive to work during which he did not think, a meeting with Dr. Beilschmidt that he had to force himself to pay attention to. Before his mind woke up along with the rest of him, Kiku was standing outside of Heracles's room.

Before he opened the door, Kiku felt what was like a frantic bird fluttering spastically in his chest. For a moment, he was sure it was indigestion. No, that wasn't it. Was this…nervousness? Kiku was taken aback. Not once in his seven years of nursing had he been this nervous before he saw a patient. This was truly unprofessional. Doing his best to stifle the unfamiliar sensation, Kiku knocked on the door.

Heracles's response was immediate, though soft as ever. "Feliciano?"

Kiku managed to swallow the anxiety rising in his throat. "No, it's Kiku."

"Kiku." Heracles said his name softly, with only a faint trace of shock. "Please come in, Kiku."

So he did. Heracles was sitting in a nearly identical position as he was the day before, and for a brief moment of madness Kiku wondered if he had moved at all, if he ever did. He seemed to be transfixed with something on the other side of the window, something in the world he was barely a part of anymore. The thought rendered his body useless, and he barely heard Heracles when he spoke again.

"Kiku. Look," he said. Kiku just stared at him for a long moment, lost in his own thoughts, lost in the concentrated look in Heracles's eyes. When he failed to respond, Heracles only repeated himself without a trace of impatience in his voice. "Kiku, look. I have something to show you."

Kiku came back to reality. He walked carefully to the window, peered out…and saw nothing. "I do not see anything," he said, all while continuing to search for the thing Heracles seemed to be so fascinated by.

Heracles lifted his hand and pointed towards a tree in the far distance. Finally, Kiku saw what he was looking at. It was a little orange blob of fluff, scampering between the branches. "It's a kitty. A tabby." He said it in a faint breath, as though he could hardly believe it.

"How can you tell?" When Heracles did not respond, Kiku realized with a jolt that he might be in pain. When he broke away from the window and looked at him, however, he realized his suspicion was the opposite of reality. A wild smile had broken out on Heracles's lips, his eyes wide and bright. Kiku felt his heart thump hard in his chest for reasons he wasn't sure of. After a long moment, he could only state the obvious. "You really like cats."

Heracles finally looked away from the window. "Yes, I do. Cats are wonderful." His bright smile faded into a subtler one that could hardly be seen, wavering for only a moment when the orange ball of fur leapt off the tree and scurried into the distance. "Do you think I will ever see my own cat again, Kiku?"

Kiku could not be sure what upset him more: the words themselves, or the pointblank, unaffected way Heracles had said them. After no time at all, Kiku decided he had a new goal. "Yes, I believe you will."

"Really? Wow." Heracles sounded genuinely surprised. "I didn't think they would let me."

"This is a hospital, not a prison." The moment Kiku said it; he realized that this building could very well feel like the latter. Heracles had only these four white walls to look at all day, or at least most of the day. Neither of them spoke as Kiku began to take his vitals, and he finally decided to ask the question that was gnawing away at him. "Do you ever leave here, Heracles?"

"Sometimes I go out to the courtyard, if I'm not too weak."

Kiku frowned. Even if he didn't know what he had wanted him to say, he knew this was not the answer he was hoping for. In fact, it was an answer that he simply did not want to believe. "Is that all?"

"Where else would I go?" Heracles didn't ask the question with dejection. He sounded like he honestly had no idea.

Kiku could not think of a word to say back. He barely knew Heracles; how was he supposed to know where he would go if he wasn't here? Then he realized he and Heracles were, to some strange extent, friends. Not only that, but it was his job to get to know him better. He had been told specifically to do so. Finally, he thought of a response. "You could visit your old roommate."

"Sadiq isn't around much." Heracles looked away. "Besides, I don't believe he really likes me."

Kiku was surprised when the statement took him aback. It was true that he barely knew Heracles, but he couldn't see how anyone would actively dislike him. Maybe there was a side to him that Kiku had not seen yet, but he somehow doubted it. Heracles seemed as though he was nothing if not kind and agreeable. "Oh," he said, words having left him. He decided not to ask. After Kiku finished with Heracles's vitals and handed him a Styrofoam container of food, he spoke again before he had time to reconsider the question. "Does it upset you that you have to stay here?"

Kiku wanted to kick himself. What an insensitive, not to mention likely unprofessional question. Heracles looked up from the food he was picking at, and Kiku almost expected him to get upset or even angry. But as per the usual, his words were as calm and emotionless as ever. "No."

He was already in this far; he figured he might as well continue to test his luck. "And why is that?"

Heracles set the container down on his lap. "Because this place is beautiful."

Kiku looked around, taking in the plain white walls, the beeping machines, and the general blandness his room was made up with. He saw nothing beautiful about it. For him, this hospital was just a place for work, not for wonder or beauty. He must have looked confused, because Heracles continued to speak. "Come over to the window again, Kiku. Could you please open it?"

"Oh, yes, of course." Only growing more confused, Kiku walked over and opened the small window next to the bed. He was hit with the warm, early June air- a welcome change from the constant chemical smell and stale air of the hospital. It was something he had grown accustomed to, but never quite stopped noticing. As if to ask for further instructions, he turned to Heracles again.

He took a deep breath, seemingly enjoying the fresh air, before glancing outside again. "When was the last time you looked outside, Kiku?"

Now Kiku was truly, completely confused. He caught himself wondering if Heracles's condition was beginning to affect either his memory or just his brain in general. "I looked out the window just a minute ago."

"No. When was last time you _really_ looked outside?"

Kiku blinked. He was sure he had never been this lost in his life. "Uh…"

"Here," without warning, Heracles grabbed Kiku's hand, pulled him gently towards the window, and led both of their hands outside. "Sometimes I like to just feel the breeze on my hand. Isn't it nice?" It wasn't until he finished speaking that he let go.

For a split second, Kiku thought to himself that feeling the warmth from Heracles's hand on his was a nice thing all on it's own. Then, he took a moment to actually consider what he had said. The gentle breeze through his fingers was rather calming. He moved his hand a bit, allowing it to float against a gust of wind. "Yes, I suppose it is."

Heracles lowered his hand and let it rest on the windowsill. "Other times, I just like to stare outside and notice all the little things," he said. "Sometimes I watch the people walking in and out, and I make up stories about them in my head. Sometimes I even see cats, like today. If there are no people or cats, I just look at the trees. The leaves are very green this time of year. Have you noticed that, Kiku?"

Kiku couldn't say he had. But now that he was looking outside, truly looking, he did. He noticed the way the leaves swayed gently in the wind, heard birds singing in the distance, and felt the warm air on his face. He could not remember the last time he took the time to notice these things. Whether he was rushing to get to work right on time, rushing to see his next patient in a timely matter, rushing to fill out paperwork, or rushing to get to bed on time so he wouldn't be exhausted the next day- he was always rushing to do _something_. He barely had time to breathe, much less stare out windows for long periods of time. Over the past few years, he had completely forgotten how amazing nature was.

"No," said Kiku finally. "No, I did not notice that until now."

There was a long pause, during which neither of them spoke. They only stood in silence, gazing out the window, noticing all the little things. It wasn't until nearly five minutes later that Heracles spoke. "Oh, Kiku," he said, snapping both of them out of the daze. "You never did tell me why Feliciano isn't here today."

Kiku felt the calmness he had been feeling leave him. He never did think over how he was going to explain that. "Oh." He grasped for the right words, and finally came up with something that sounded professional. "He was overworked, so I took this shift."

"Does that mean you will be here every morning?" asked Heracles. Kiku nodded. "And in the evenings, too?" Kiku nodded again, and Heracles nodded back in understanding. "I think I am glad you switched with him."

An inexplicable happiness caused Kiku's chest to tighten. Still, the question remained, "Do you not like Feliciano?"

Heracles leaned back against the pillows, sighing heavy as if sitting up for a couple minutes had exhausted him. "He is fine." He took a second to breathe. "But he talks a lot…too much. Even early in the morning. It makes me even more tired."

Kiku smiled slightly. That much was true. "Yes, he does tend to do that."

"I think I will like seeing you twice a day." Heracles said simply. "I like seeing you in general. It makes me happy."

The statements caught Kiku off guard. He was still getting used to how blunt Heracles could be. At the same time, it was a relief that he didn't have to guess what he meant. People these days had an annoying habit of being terribly unclear. One thing, however, was still as unclear as ever. Why would he say something like that? Heracles felt like a friend, but they barely knew each other. "We just met yesterday." Kiku was not sure what else he could say.

Heracles paused, shrugged, and looked Kiku in the eye. "Two days is a long time when you have less than a year." He said it so casually- far, far too casually.

A sudden, painful shock shot into Kiku's blood and coursed through every part of him. For whatever reason, he had somehow managed to forget the circumstances again. He was beginning to believe that he would need to tattoo a reminder on his forearm, reminding him every time he looked down that Heracles was living on borrowed time. If he didn't remind himself every day, every hour, every _second- _his mind would refuse to remember, to believe.

He finally looked at Heracles again, but this time, he looked at him through a medical standpoint rather than a personal one. This time, he noticed his chest rising and falling too quickly rather than the feathery hair that fell around his slumped shoulders, the way his eyes couldn't seem to stay open rather than the pale green color they held, and heard the labor in his breathing rather than remembering the softness of his voice.

Kiku had to clear his throat, swallow the lump of sadness residing in it. "I think I should give you your medication now."

Heracles nodded weakly. It was easy to tell he was fighting to stay awake. When Kiku gathered the slew pills he had to give him, took away the food he was barely able to eat half of, went back to noticing the beeping machines and chemical smell rather than the trees and birds outside and finally stole one more glance at Heracles, he could only wonder why the world was so cruel.

* * *

><p><em>To be continued...<em>


	3. Chapter 3

"Dr. Beilschmidt? May I ask a few questions, if you have a moment?"

Ludwig turned to face Kiku, who had just entered the break room. "Yes, of course. Is something the matter?"

That was a loaded question. Kiku almost wanted to say yes. Yes, something was the matter, and it only worsened every time Heracles had that pained expression on his face. Instead of saying that, he cleared his throat and looked away. "No, everything is fine. I only have a few questions."

To his relief, Ludwig nodded. "Alright, then."

They made their way to the table, and Kiku ran through his predetermined set of questions over again in his mind. If he wanted to get rid of this sinking feeling in his chest, he needed to understand. He needed to know every last detail about this condition, until it became nothing more than a jumble of dry, strictly medical facts in his mind. Hopefully then, his job would revert back to being just that- a job.

Kiku folded his hands in his lap and straightened his posture, all while attempting to keep a poker face. "I do hope this is not an inconvenience."

"Not at all, Kiku," Ludwig said with a shrug. "So, what did you need to know? Is there a problem with a patient?"

Where could he even begin? "This is about Heracles specifically. Kiku kept a straight face and did his absolute best to sound as if this was not a personal matter, because for God sakes, there was no reason why it should be. "As you know, most of my patients are elderly. I cannot say I have ever come across an end-stage heart failure patient of his age. So, I was wondering…" He grappled for the right words. "How that happened, exactly."

"Yes, I understand your confusion. Just about everyone involved is confused, really." Ludwig leaned against his arms. "I have been a doctor for many years, and I had never seen anything like this prior to this case. It was just recently that was I able to do some digging."

Kiku nodded. It helped to know he wasn't alone in his feelings.

"As you've probably heard, Heracles grew up in Greece. His parents were remarkably poor, and it did not help that they both suffered from heart disease. He moved to this country after their passing, still with very little money…" He trailed off and shook his head. All Kiku could do was nod again and wait for him to continue.

"Long story short, Heracles came through the emergency department a couple months ago, when his roommate brought him in for shortness of breath. There, it was discovered that he has a heart defect he was likely born with, and he was already in the late stages of heart failure. He went almost his entire life without receiving proper health care. He had never been diagnosed, let alone medicated. He didn't respond to any of the medication he was given, and he was already much too weak to possibly survive a transplant. That is, if it was even possible to have gotten him one in a timely matter." Ludwig broke off, paused, and then shrugged reluctantly. "There was nothing more we could do."

Kiku lost the ability to speak. He only stared at Ludwig for a long moment, his mind numb and pulse racing. He was not entirely sure what he had expected or wanted, but he was nearly certain this was not it. This was not helping him to separate his job from his feelings. He was not sure if he had ever heard something so heartbreaking. It was almost as if he were listening to the plot of a dramatic novel rather than something that actually happened. Heracles's optimistic attitude was even more confusing now. His breath caught in his throat when he put all the pieces together and finally reached a terrible, dumbfounding conclusion.

"This could have been prevented." Kiku could hardly fathom something so awful, so terribly unfair. "If he got treatment earlier, or got on the transplant list earlier…"

Ludwig lifted a hand to stop him. "It is best not to think like that." The strain in his voice suggested that he had already mulled over similar thoughts. "Anyway, the government is paying for him to be in hospice. It would be considered inhumane to not at least keep him fairly comfortable."

"Yes, it certainly would be." Kiku did not even want to think about what it would be like if he was allowed to go without medication. He adverted his eyes, and ultimately decided it would be best to move on. "One more question."

"Of course."

"I understand there is no way for him to stay at home?" It was something that Kiku knew, but never completely understood.

Another long pause, another sigh. "No," said Ludwig. "As I said before, both of his parents have passed. He has no siblings, and he's not in contact with any of his extended family members. The only person he has a real relationship with is his roommate, but they don't always get along. Not only that, but Sadiq is not exactly a trusted individual. He has a criminal record and frequently skips town. We did not believe he was in any position to take care of Heracles."

No family, no friends, troubled past, in hospice at the age of twenty-seven…Kiku could only whisper, "Well, thank you." He cleared his throat. "I suppose that is all I have to ask."

"Not a problem, Kiku." Ludwig adjusted his hair and looked back at him. "I do have one question to ask you."

Kiku had begun to stand, but he sat down again. "Alright."

"How are you adjusting, Kiku? I know this type of thing can be demanding- both physically and mentally, that is. Even if you have been doing this for awhile," he said. "Feliciano has worked here for over three years, and- well, I think you can see that it is still difficult for him."

Kiku was not entirely sure how to answer. He had just come back from visiting two other patients- the first one being an eighty-five year old man with stage four colon cancer, and the second being a ninety year old woman with Alzheimer's. The woman had been mostly out of it the entire time, and Kiku was able to finish the job quickly. The man had mostly just yelled at him. He claimed that he would not be in hospice if his cancer had been detected sooner. All Kiku could do was apologize profusely while he took his vitals, hoping he would calm down.

Both cases were difficult to see and both were sad, as they always were, but they were different than when Kiku visited Heracles. He did not get the same heavy feeling in his chest, the same lump in his throat or the same sense of helplessness. Most prominently, he didn't have the urge to stay any longer than he had to.

With them, it felt like work- like it should. With Heracles, it felt like…Kiku could not be sure. All he knew was it felt much, much more personal than simply 'work'.

"I think I am adjusting well," said Kiku finally. It was only partially a lie. "It is difficult, but it is rewarding, I suppose. Knowing I can help is a fulfilling feeling." That was not a lie at all. Being able to help people in need was the entire reason Kiku decided to become a nurse. Still, he felt uncomfortable talking about himself. It felt like boasting, and that was not something he had ever enjoyed doing. He saw an opportunity to change the subject and jumped on it. "I am surprised that Feliciano chose to work here. He seems…fragile, and I do not mean that offensively."

Ludwig visibly tensed. "He gets quite attached to the patients," he said. "It gets to the point where it borders on unprofessional, but I believe that's actually what makes him a good nurse. He may seem weak, but Feliciano has the kindest heart you will ever find." Ludwig sighed as if he had been holding his breath, and then looked at Kiku with a strong, firm gaze. "He always bounces back, and he always finds a reason to smile. I know you did not mean it as an insult, but I certainly would not call him fragile."

Kiku instantly felt as if he had struck a raw nerve. _"Hai-_ I mean, yes. Sorry." He cleared his throat, feeling uncomfortable, and stood up. "Thank you."

Ludwig nodded, and Kiku scurried out of the room. Once he was back in the hall, he checked his watch- four pm. That meant only one thing to him: Only four hours and three more patients until he could see Heracles again.

.

One thing about hospitals- they never truly got dark.

Kiku figured that out after working so many late shifts. Even after the sun disappeared below the horizon and the lights were turned off in the patients' individual rooms, the activity never actually stopped. It didn't matter if it was three pm or three am- there were always lights on in the hallways, always nurses and doctors running around, always codes being shouted, always patients being woken up to take meds. Someone being born, someone dying… there was never a pause. Kiku wished the emergency department wasn't so close. But even if it wasn't, the entire hospital operated more or less on emergencies. Every last person was there because they desperately needed to be.

The evening visit was only a precaution. It was mostly to make sure Heracles was breathing all right, that he did not require extra oxygen. When Kiku arrived, he was already sleeping. It was only a few minutes past eight, but the bags under his eyes and the limpness of his body made it seem as though he hadn't slept in several decades. For a long moment, Kiku stood in the doorway, not moving, hardly thinking. He could not imagine how tired Heracles had to have been to fall asleep so early with all of this activity raging on like a battle around him.

Kiku realized with a melancholic blow to the chest that there was likely not a moment that passed during which Heracles wasn't tired beyond belief. Everything he did was in slow motion- his speech, his movements, even his breathing. At this point, his heart was likely operating in a similar fashion.

He knew his duties for the day were over. Kiku knew he should go home, get some rest, and prepare himself to wake up early the next morning. But some small, yet commanding part of him did not want to go home. It caused him to not want to leave that room, to not go anywhere that Heracles wasn't. This urge confused him. Heracles was a patient; he was part of his job. He should not feel this way, especially after such a short time, but that didn't stop the all-consuming longing.

Even though every reasonable part of his brain told him not to, Kiku sat down on the chair next to the bed. He allowed his mind to go blank as he watched the weak yet consistent rising and falling of Heracles's chest under the sheets. The sight was almost hypnotic, but at the same time it was nerve-wracking, because there was always the chance that it would stop- and never start up again.

Kiku barely noticed when Heracles opened his eyes; barely heard him when he spoke. "Kiku. You're here."

"Oh." Kiku sputtered back into awareness. He suddenly realized that this was not a normal thing to do. Really, who watches their patients sleep? "Oh, yes, I apologize, I was just checking on you."

He was about to stand when Heracles's voice caused him to freeze in place. "You apologize too much." He closed his eyes again, but continued anyway. "I'm glad you're here. We are friends…" he nearly trailed off, nearly succumbed to sleep, but he finished in a weak breath. "Right?"

"Yes." Kiku had never been more sure of a response in his life. It had been two days…why did it feel as though they had known each other for two lifetimes?

"Good." With what seemed to be the last bit of strength he had, Heracles moved his hand from under the thin sheets to hanging off the side of the bed. Kiku found it strange, thought it would be uncomfortable…but then he realized: Heracles wanted him to take it.

Kiku had never been one for physical affection. He rarely hugged his parents or his brother, even as a child. He always stood perfectly still when his patients hugged him- or on a couple occasions at the hands of Europeans, kissed his cheeks- and waited uncomfortably for it to be over. But for reasons he wasn't sure of, he took Heracles's hand and gave it a small squeeze without even thinking about. "Go back to sleep, Heracles," he said even though it was likely he already had.

Kiku sat with him until it was almost nine. When he finally left, he could only wonder why he had stayed so long- and why he was so reluctant to leave.

.

The next day, Kiku walked to work. It was a nice day, sunny and mild, and the hospital was only a couple miles from his house. This was something that Kiku had never done prior to today. In fact, he had never even considered it- he was always too anxious that he would be late or dirty his scrubs. Maybe he wouldn't be able to do this everyday, but he had to wonder why he hadn't done it even once in all these years. The leaves _were_ very green this time of year, after all.

By the time Kiku arrived at work, he had an idea.

"Good morning, Dr. Beilschmidt," said Kiku as soon as he walked into the staff room.

Ludwig did not look up from the paperwork he was studying. "Good morning, Kiku. I trust you are doing well?"

Kiku nodded. "Yes, I am fine," he said. "I apologize, but I do have a question." He was beginning to wonder if he was starting to annoy the doctor with all the questions he had. He had always tried to ask as few questions as possible, to speak as little as possible in general no matter who he was talking to, but it seemed as though there were just a lot of things to ask lately.

To his relief, Ludwig did not look annoyed. He simply looked up and raised an eyebrow. "And what would that be?"

"I have an hour break between patients today," he began. "I was wondering if it would be appropriate to take a walk with Heracles. It is a lovely day."

Ludwig remained stone-faced. "He would need a wheelchair."

Kiku nodded. "Yes. I was hoping to borrow one?" He really had no idea why he was doing this. Usually he was hesitant to ask his colleagues for anything, especially something that could possibly be an inconvenience.

Only Ludwig simply nodded in understanding. "I do not see why not. This would be your decision anyway, and I trust your judgment," he said. "I feel bad that he has to stay cooped up in that room all day. The fresh air may do him good."

Kiku was not sure what excited him more: the fact that Heracles could finally get out of that blasted room, or that he would get to spend extra time with Heracles. Either way, he could hardly wait. "Thank you, sir," he said, careful not to show his excitement in his face or voice. His next words were nearly unconscious. "Sorry to bother you."

Ludwig raised a hand dismissively. "You really must stop apologizing. Communication is essential here."

Maybe he should stop apologizing- after all, people kept telling him to. "Yes, sir."

Feliciano entered the room without warning. He was smiling brightly and moving about almost as if he were dancing- nothing out of the ordinary, judging by the few times Kiku had seen him. "Kiku, why are you calling Ludwig 'sir'? It seems so formal! We're all friends, right Ludwig?"

Ludwig sighed. "Feliciano, we are working. I've told you many times that it is professional to call me Dr. Beilschmidt." He sounded exasperated, yet unsurprised. Kiku had a feeling this was nearly an everyday occurrence.

Feliciano just giggled. "Still hung up on that 'professional' stuff?" he said. Ludwig rolled his eyes in place of a response, seemingly out of resignation more than anything, and Feliciano turned back to Kiku. "Anyway, good morning! This is your third day; how are you liking it so far?"

For a long moment, Kiku was not sure how to respond. It had never been much of issue if he 'liked' work or not, it was always just something he did. Then he realized for what was perhaps the first time that yes, he did like it here. He liked Ludwig and Feliciano, and the job was fulfilling. And then, there was Heracles…he quickly stopped himself. "I like it just fine."

"Good!" said Feliciano. "How's Heracles? I tried to visit him the other day, but he was sleeping."

"Oh. He is…" Again, Kiku found himself unsure how to respond. Could he really say Heracles was fine? If he were truly fine, he would not be in here. He would be at home, with his cat, living the kind of life twenty-seven year olds were supposed to have. Once he realized his thoughts were running away again, Kiku blinked them away and said something he found reasonable. "He is the same."

Feliciano's energy level seemed to dip in a mere instant. He nodded almost solemnly, but a small smile remained. "Well, I guess the same is better than worse, right?"

"It certainly is," Kiku said, and then checked his watch. According to his schedule, he was supposed to be at Heracles's door in fifteen minutes. "I suppose we start our conference and go over the paperwork."

Kiku was positive that the following fifteen minutes were the longest of his life.

.

It did not come as much of a shock when Kiku found Heracles sleeping. Instead of waking him immediately, he pushed the wheelchair he had managed to procure aside and did menial things to occupy his time- filling out paperwork he had leftover, double and triple checking on the equipment on his cart, cleaning the already-spotless sink. Kiku almost made it a point to be quiet enough to not startle Heracles awake, yet make just enough noise that he may wake up on his own. He had it down a science. It was not longer than five minutes that Heracles did just that.

"Kiku?" said Heracles, sleepiness still prevalent in his voice. Kiku was only a little less than downright stunned when his chest seized at the sound. Well, that was certainly new.

"Good morning." Kiku managed to forget about the strange feeling in his chest long enough to remember he had a job to do; and decided to allow his plan to remain a surprise until that job was done. "How are you this morning? Any pain?"

Heracles sat up. It seemed as though it took far longer than it would have under normal circumstances. "No more than usual."

Feliciano's words played over in Kiku's head: _The same is better than worse. _He supposed that was true, but the thought did not stop the pang of sympathy from hitting him like a fist. Kiku closed his eyes briefly and reminded himself for what felt like the twenty-fifth time in three days that he needed to remain professional. Goodness, why was this suddenly a hundred times more difficult than it ever was? Surely it could not be simply because of Heracles; surely Kiku was not that petty, surely…

"Kiku?"

His train of thought screeched to a halt and Kiku tumbled back down to earth. "Oh, yes?"

"You have been standing there staring at me for a long time." Heracles cocked his head to the side, looking more confused than anything. "Are you alright?"

Kiku had no idea that his gaze had stubbornly locked itself onto Heracles. He felt an embarrassed flush creep across his neck, and he quickly looked at his feet. "Sorry. I seemed to have zoned out."

"That's alright. It was cute."

If Kiku was not blushing before, there was absolutely no doubt in his mind that was upon hearing that, even if it was only out of shock alone. _Cute. _What an absurd, out of the blue and oddly endearing thing to call him. For a moment, he was almost sure that he had heard it incorrectly. "Huh?" In the end, it was all he could say.

Heracles simply shrugged again. "It was."

"That was rather…random." Kiku blinked a few things as if the action would clear his rapidly cluttering mind. Did this man have any perception to speak of, or did he always say the first thing that came to mind? Then Kiku remembered what he had set up, and he realized he was wasting time with this ridiculous embarrassment. "Let me take your vitals."

"Alright."

The time Kiku spent taking Heracles's vitals passed in an easy silence. It was a relief…Kiku had so many patients that insisted on talking to him the entire time he was with them. Still, he went through the routine of steps just a tad bit quicker than he usually would. Once he was finished, Kiku cleared his throat and spoke again. "Heracles, I have something to ask you."

Just as he had each time it was required that he sit up, Heracles collapsed back against the pillows the minute he could. Kiku began to wonder if this was a good idea, if he was really up to this, but Heracles gave him no time to think. Despite his obvious fatigue, he looked genuinely interested. "What would that be, Kiku?"

"Would you like to take a walk outside?" Once the question passed his lips, Kiku felt as unfamiliar jitteriness tingle across his skin. Ignoring the unfamiliar sensation, he added, "There is a park nearby. I thought you would like to see it."

"Oh. Wow." Heracles sounded dumbfounded. "That would be very nice…" He trailed off, and his eyes shot open as if coming to a sudden realization. The momentary shock passed, and he dropped his gaze to his lap. "But I can't walk far. I'll faint. It has happened more than once."

How awful it must be to not be able to so much as _walk _without it being dangerous… Kiku realized he had in fact expected as much, even though he seemed to forget his expectations on a daily basis lately. He forced himself to nod, then tipped his head towards the wheelchair in the corner of the room. "I can push you."

Heracles stared at the chair for a long while before he said anything. "Oh," he said finally. "Are you sure?"

"What do you mean, am I sure?" Kiku truly had no idea.

"It seems like a lot of work for you, is all." Heracles said it almost reluctantly.

"It isn't as if you are some burden, Heracles." The moment Kiku said it; he quickly realized that could be precisely what Heracles thought. He shook his head as if to respond to his own thoughts. "It is fine. Really."

Heracles smiled in that same faint, barely visible way. No matter how subtle it was, Kiku's chest tightened at the sight anyway. "Thank you. You are very kind."

Kiku simply nodded again, unsure how one was supposed to respond to something like that. He pushed the wheelchair to his bedside, extended his hand, and helped Heracles to his feet. It was not until that exact moment that Kiku noticed Heracles was a head taller than him. He was only eye-level with his broad shoulders, and it led Kiku to wonder how much less muscular he was now compared to how he had been prior to the deterioration of his health. And it wasn't until that thought passed that he realized he was still holding his hand. He quickly dropped it. "You are…tall," he managed to say.

"You are short," said Heracles matter-of-factly. He sat down on the wheelchair, exhaling heavily as if he had been standing for hours. "And now, I am the short one."

Kiku could not tell if that was meant to be humorous or not. With Heracles, he could never tell. Instead of trying to guess, he took the handles of the chair in his hands and asked, "Would you like to get going?"

Heracles looked up, his messy hair falling into his eyes and brushing his shoulders. "Yes. I would."

* * *

><p><em>To be continued...<em>


	4. Chapter 4

"Wow."

Kiku thought that Heracles would never stop saying that. They had left the hospital a mere five minutes ago, and he had already said it three times. His enthrallment with every little detail of the outside was interesting to say the least and downright heartwarming at the most. It was as if everything was breathtaking, exciting, new. Maybe to him, it was. Kiku didn't ask. Instead he just pushed the wheelchair along the sidewalk, listened to the birds chirp, and watched Heracles's eyes light up at every new thing that seemingly amazed him with careful fascination.

Kiku didn't speak for what felt like an eternity. He was far too lost in his thoughts to come up with anything that resembled small talk –not that he had ever excelled in that department to begin with. His mind stirred with about a million questions that he felt would never have answers, a million statements he thought were best left unsaid, a million feelings he never knew existed. Finally, after phrasing and rephrasing it over and over again in his mind, Kiku came up with a single thing he would allow himself to say. "Did you have a job before coming here?"

Heracles continued to look side-to-side, seemingly intent on taking in absolutely everything in sight. "Yes, I did," he said. "I worked at an animal shelter."

"How fitting." Kiku figured he should have expected as much. Heracles did seem to be happiest when he was around animals. He tightened his grip on the worn handles and spoke without thinking it over first. "How about other than that? What else did you do before-" Kiku clamped his mouth shut. Where was he going with that? Certainly he could have found a better way to phrase such a question.

Heracles turned in his seat to meet Kiku's eyes, his hair falling over his shoulder as his tilted his head to the side. "You are asking what my life was like before someone told me it was ending."

The words sent a shockwave of pain through Kiku's chest. He realized that was in fact exactly what he had been trying to ask, but he would have never said it so bluntly. "Well, I suppose," he said quietly. Right after, he wondered why he suddenly felt so guilty. In an attempt to evict the feeling from his body, he attempted to steer the conversation in a lighter direction. "Do you have any hobbies?" 'Do'. Not 'did'. Kiku wanted to avoid using the past tense as much as possible.

He paused for a moment as if to think it over. "Yes," he said. "Aside from cats, I love philosophy. Especially Aristotle. I like architecture, too. I went to museums when I could afford it."

There was that dreaded past tense. Kiku tried to push it to the back of his mind, but ultimately failed. "You say it like you never will again."

From looking at the back of his head, Kiku could see Heracles shrug. "I have been through all of the ones in the area. I don't need to see them again." For a moment, there was no sound save for the wheels turning against the pavement and the leaves rustling in the breeze. "If there is one place I want to go again, it would be the shelter. There's a girl that works there- Lili. She is very nice."

Kiku felt his breath hitch and his hands clasp the handles even tighter. The sudden, intense feeling the clutched his chest was new and indescribable. "Oh." The word came out in a whisper. "Is she your girlfriend?"

"No," Heracles said immediately. "Just a friend. Almost like a little sister. I would want to go mostly to see the cats, anyway."

Just like that, the indescribable emotion rushed from Kiku's system. It almost felt like relief. How ridiculous. He shook his head as if to clear it, grateful that Heracles was facing the other way. "I see. Maybe you can some day," he finally managed to say. He supposed he had yet another goal.

"That would be very nice." Heracles stopped speaking for a long moment, made a small sound as if he had begun speaking but changed his mind, and then finally managed a full sentence. "Do you have a girlfriend, Kiku?"

Kiku felt his face flush and his pulse grow too quick. This was just embarrassing. At twenty-nine years old, he had never had any kind of romantic relationship to speak of, with a girl or otherwise. Back in high school and college, he had always been far too absorbed in his studies to even think about it. Right after, he dove headfirst into his work. "No, I do not."

"Oh." Heracles sounded faintly surprised. With that, the conversation was over. That was another thing about Heracles. He never pushed matters that didn't need to be pushed. Kiku was relieved.

There was another long pause as Kiku pushed the wheelchair through the nearly vacant sidewalk. He found that he was growing more and more relaxed with every step he took that brought him further from the hospital. As the looming, grey building gave way to fields of trees and quaint residential houses, he felt nothing but liberation. Finally, Heracles broke the silence. "You ask a lot about me, Kiku, but you haven't told me much about yourself. What do you do for fun?"

_I work. _Kiku blinked against the automatic thought, dumbfounded that was the first thing to pop into his mind. Was that really all he did these days? Was that all he had ever done? After his shock faded, Kiku was able to think back to his high school days and remember one thing he had genuinely enjoyed doing. "Photography." He omitted the fact that he hadn't actually picked up a camera in years. He also omitted the fact that he had spent nearly all his little free time reading comics, and when he had time, still did. It seemed far too juvenile to mention.

"Do you ever take pictures of cats?" asked Heracles. Kiku almost smiled. Heracles may have a wide range of interests, but they always seemed to get back to this.

"No, I do not believe so," he said. Then he thought for a moment; tried to remember where he had stashed that old camera… "Maybe I will soon." He said it half as a response, and half because he was thinking out-loud.

"What do you take pictures of, then?"

Kiku quickly realized he barely remembered. Had it really been that long? "Silly things," he said finally, relying on only a few faint memories. He sparsely recalled photographing trees, flowers. He had always enjoyed taking pictures, but none of them were particularly exciting or innovative. He never even showed them to anyone. "Things in nature. They were never very good."

"I bet they are very good. I do not think they would be silly, either," Heracles said. He paused, and then continued softly. "Aristotle once said that nature does nothing uselessly. Did you know that, Kiku?"

"No, I did not," said Kiku. At first he found the statement irrelevant, but the more he thought about it, the more it seemed to go right along with what they were talking about. Maybe his pictures weren't as trivial as he once thought they were. Before he could give that idea much thought, however, he spotted the park in the distance. "There it is," he said, raising a hand to point.

Without warning, Heracles put his feet flat against the pavement, thus stopping Kiku from pushing the wheelchair. "That isn't too far."

Kiku's face went blank. "Well, yes, if you would let me push you-"

"Come around here for a moment."

"Is something wrong?" asked Kiku as he stepped in front of him. He wondered for a moment if Heracles was in pain. His worries were cut short when Heracles reached out and tugged on his hand. Taken off guard, Kiku stumbled, tripped and ultimately fell forward. It took a moment to register that he had landed on Heracles. He swore his body temperature doubled in an instant, and embarrassed flush setting in as though his face had caught fire. "S-sorry, I-"

Heracles looked unfazed, as if he had expected this. "Sit."

Kiku blinked, unable to even feel flustered due to his overpowering confusion. What was going on, here? More importantly, why was he not moving? "I do not think I understand."

"You've done this much work. My turn." Heracles did not give Kiku time to object, or even to fully register what he was about to do. After some struggle, he had managed to pull Kiku onto his lap, put his hands on the wheels, and manually propel the wheelchair forward.

Finally, it clicked. He was trying to give him a ride. "Heracles! What-"

"Hush."

Kiku did not bother to argue. He was far too busy being humiliated, or possibly guilty, perhaps concerned… really, it was an odd mix of the three. It wasn't until his initial discomfort with the odd positioning passed that he realized there was yet another emotion stirring beneath the three he was already feeling. He was unsure what to call it, but he knew it was instigated by the rising and falling of Heracles's chest against his back, the warmth of his skin that seemed to radiate through his soft white t-shirt, and his flyaway strands of hair that brushed the base of Kiku's neck. Whatever the feeling was, it made Kiku feel as if he could barely breathe.

"Are you comfortable?" asked Heracles, effectively breaking Kiku out of his thoughts.

Even though Kiku had to keep his legs at a strange angle to keep his feet from scraping against the ground and he had to grip the back of the chair somewhat awkwardly and his face was hot with embarrassment, he could not say that Heracles's lap was the least comfortable place he had ever been. "I am…fine," he said, immediately wondering if he had chosen the right word. Not wanting to start overthinking things again, he added, "Are you?"

"Yes." Kiku noticed that Heracles said the word in a weak breath. The turning of the wheels slowed, then stopped abruptly the moment they reached the park's entrance. Kiku felt Heracles's body go limp seconds after, the way one would after running a long distance. He brought a hand to his chest, bowed his head, and the rising and falling of his chest grew more rapid. Kiku began to feel like something was wrong, and that suspicion was proved true when Heracles finally spoke again. When he did, he could barely be heard. "Can't…breathe…"

Kiku jumped to his feet in a panic when he was able to fully grasp what was happening. Propelling the chair forward as well as their combined weight must have been too much, Kiku should have known it would have been too much, why had he gone along with it? He realized with a jolt that he had neglected to bring any oxygen, or anything else for that matter. What had he been thinking? Where had his logic gone today? When Kiku realized he was helpless to stop this, all he could do was stammer. "Oh my god, Heracles, I am so sorry, I-"

He stopped speaking when Heracles reached out and grabbed his wrist, shaking his head. "No." That was all he could manage before he closed his eyes and concentrated on nothing but breathing, the pained expression on his face sending another anxiety-riddled, guilty shock through Kiku's veins. All he could do was stare at Heracles with wide eyes, watch him take gasping, desperate breaths of air, listen to the trembling in his inhales and feel his grip on his wrist tighten. After what felt to be about fifty years of watching him suffer, Heracles caught his breath and released Kiku's wrist.

"Heracles…" whispered Kiku. He blinked away his shock, ignored the now-familiar sinking feeling in his chest and dissolved into a mess of unthinking words. "I am so sorry. Are you all right? I was unprepared, I should have brought oxygen…oh, did I even give you your medication? I didn't! Goodness, I-"

He stopped only when Heracles took his wrist again, causing his breath to hitch in surprise and his chest to tighten. "Kiku. It was just a spell. It has happened before." He paused to take another long breath, and then smiled slightly. "You should relax."

"But…" _I feel responsible. _Kiku trailed off, pulled his hand away and stared at his shoes. He had dealt with heart failure patients before; he had seen this kind of thing happen. Why was it only now that seeing it was hitting him like a ton of bricks? He felt so… helpless. "I apologize." In the end, reverting back to that habit was all he could do.

Heracles tilted his head to the side, his expression now blank and unreadable. "It's over now. I am fine," he said. "Let's just enjoy the scenery."

Guilt continued to course through Kiku's blood, but after looking around the park, he decided that enjoying the outside didn't sound too bad. The sky was dotted with white clouds, the air was light and mild, and patches of colorful flowers were scattered across the green field. Since it was early in the morning on a weekday, they were the only ones there. It was the kind of thing he would have loved to photograph. "That sounds like a good idea."

Heracles turned his head and looked in the direction of a large tree. "We can sit over there, if you would like. I always loved sitting under trees."

Kiku nodded, took the handles of the chair again, and started off in the direction of the tree. The silence that fell between them felt natural, and Kiku felt no need to fill it with small talk that he would only struggle through. Heracles keep his gaze fixed high, his eyes wide in fascination as the clouds floated past the high branches of the smaller trees in the area. In that moment, Kiku wished he still carried a camera everywhere. Never mind the scenery. He wanted to capture Heracles's expression, free of pain, full of wonder …and keep it forever. It was just about the purest thing he had ever seen.

He wanted to keep it for the days when it no longer existed.

Once the thought passed through his mind, he quickly shoved it to the back of his thoughts. He would cross that bridge when they came to it. When he stopped pushing the wheelchair, Heracles got out immediately as if he could not stand being in it. He sat down on the ground, propping himself up on his arms. Kiku did not realize he was staring, his mind blank and his eyes unseeing, until Heracles met his gaze. "Sit down, Kiku. It is very nice in the shade."

Kiku wondered for a brief second if he should, worrying he would get his scrubs dirty, but ultimately allowed the anxieties to breeze past him. The shade _did _look nice. He sat down next to Heracles with only a bit of hesitance, brought his knees to his chest, and looked into the sky. It was so blue, so endless. The clouds seemed to pile on top of each other like white icing on a cake. This time, it was Kiku who said, "Wow." Did the sky always look like this?

Heracles must have noticed his fascination. "In Greek mythology, cloud nymphs are called _Nephelai. _They nourished the earth."

"Oh. That is interesting." Kiku could not say that he knew that before. Though the fact seemed fairly insignificant, Heracles said it with such passion…it was more emotion than he had ever heard in his voice. "How do you know all these things?"

"Before I got sick, I went to college. I took classes on mythology and philosophy." When Heracles's arms began to tremble under his weight, he laid flat on his back. "My major was actually pre-med, though. I wanted to be a vet. But then I started getting really tired all the time. I couldn't study, because I was always sleeping. I had to drop out." He rolled over on his side, now facing Kiku. From that position, he attempted something that was nearly a shrug. "Now, here I am."

Kiku felt as though someone had punched him in the stomach. He was not sure what kind of response he had been expecting, but he was fairly sure it wasn't that. "I'm…sorry." He closed his eyes briefly when he realized what he had just said. Sorry seemed much too hollow, too disposable for something like this. There was no words- not in English, not in Japanese, or any other language in the living world- that could fix this. Nothing could fix this. Kiku let his emotions speak for him. "Are you alright?"

Heracles blinked. "Yes. Why would I not be?"

Kiku was sure he had heard that wrong. Why would he not be all right? A better question would be how could he be anything other than awful. "Well…" But he did not finish. He simply did not have the heart.

"I'm here with you. That makes things alright."

The air in Kiku's lungs was suddenly gone. He wondered what he had done to merit such a statement. After all, all he had done was his job…and recently, he had not even been doing it well. "I have barely done anything."

"Yes, you have." Heracles knitted his brows together, a faint stitch of confusion passing over his face. "You treat me like a person."

Now, it was Kiku's turn to be confused. "That is what you are. What else would I treat you like?"

Heracles turned onto his back, folded his arms under his head, and stayed quiet for a long moment. When he finally spoke, he sounded flat, detached. "Most people treat me like someone who has already died."

Kiku felt as though the blood in his veins had frozen. His stomach dropped to his feet, his gaze fell to the grass beneath him, and his hands balled into fists at his knees. He could barely stand to even look in Heracles's direction anymore. After a long, painful silence, all he could do was whisper. "No," he said. "You are alive."

"I know," Heracles said softly. The words lingered between them until he lifted a hand and pointed upwards. "You should lay down. You can see the clouds better this way."

If anything, Kiku was thankful for the change of topic. He shifted onto his back, rested his head on the soft tufts of grass, folded his hands together on his chest and stared into the blue abyss. In a way, it brought back memories. "When I was young, I always tried to look for clouds that looked like other things."

"When you were young?" said Heracles, a faint smile tracing his lips. "I still do." He brushed the hair from his eyes, and a second later pointed up again. "Like that one. It looks just like a cat's face."

All Kiku saw were clouds that were shaped like…clouds. "You see cats in everything," he said. "Which one?"

"That one. Right there," said Heracles. Kiku just blinked. He did not see anything but fluffy white blobs. While deep in concentration, he felt something brush his hand. It took him a minute that Heracles was touching him; bringing the hand he had allowed to lay idle in the grass up into the open air. With their hands loosely joined, Heracles pointed again. "That one."

Kiku felt a dull, faint spark of energy run down his arm. In the past few days, he had experienced more physical contact with one person than he had in months –maybe even years. When he got over the odd feeling, he saw it: a mostly round cloud, the edges pulled up into small points. It did kind of look like a cat's face. "Oh," he said finally. "I see it."

Heracles did not release his hand. He only guided it farther to the left. "And that one looks like a rose."

Kiku was able to see the resemblance in that one, too. He searched the sky with his eyes, and he soon realized he was having trouble keeping them open. "That one looks like a dove." He let his hand slip out of Heracles's, finding he was too tired to keep it suspended. Maybe he needed to get more sleep.

Heracles twitched his head to the side in place of pointing. "And that one is a heart." The slow, deliberate way he said it was an indication that he had the same feelings of fatigue.

"A heart…" Kiku barely heard himself repeat the words. He allowed his eyes to drift shut, and he told himself he was only resting them. That was his intention, anyway. His hearing took over as his major sense, and he was able to focus on only the faint singing of a bird in the distance, the wind rustling the branches on the tree above them, and Heracles's steady breathing beside him. He had forgotten that relaxation like this was possible.

Before he slipped under the pull of his exhaustion, he thought for a moment that Heracles moved closer to him. But maybe he had imagined it.

* * *

><p><em>To be continued..<em>


	5. Chapter 5

When Kiku woke, he did not know where he was. The first thing that confused him was the sky above him. Why was he outside? Then, it came back to him. He remembered everything- the walk, the conversation. The second thing that confused him was the soft gusts of air brushing his neck… until he realized Heracles was so close. He was on his side, mere inches from Kiku, breathing softly and evenly. Realizing it was his breath sent a chill across his skin.

Slowly and carefully as to not disturb him, Kiku turned on his side. For a long moment, he just watched Heracles like he had the previous night. In one brief second, he caught himself reaching out to touch his chest, just to make sure his heart was still beating. Once he realized his action, he withdrew his hand. How ridiculous. While pulling back, he caught sight of his watch and saw he needed to be with another patient in fifteen minutes.

Just like that, his serenity was gone. "Heracles," he said, his voice just a bit frantic. "Heracles, we fell asleep. We need to go."

Heracles slowly opened his eyes. "Oh," he said, and then yawned. "Morning."

Everything that Kiku had neglected to came rushing back to him in a rush of guilt. He snapped into an upright position. "Oh, Heracles, I haven't even given you your medication. I'm going to be late, this is so unprofessional, I can't believe I fell asleep during my shift-"

Heracles lifted a hand to stop him. "I can take the pills when we get back." He said, still fighting off the last of his sleep. "I'm sure your next patient will be fine. You do your job well, Kiku."

Kiku shook his head, feeling incredulous and confused. "How can I be doing my job well when I am not even on time?"

"There are more important things than being on time."

"But…" Only Kiku failed to find the words he needed to argue the statement. Maybe Heracles was right. His short-lived panic diminished when he realized this was not the end of the world. He nodded, and then extended a hand to help Heracles up. "I suppose we should get going."

Heracles took his hand and rose slowly, carefully to his feet. He sat down in the wheel chair once more, letting his head lay against the back. He waited until Kiku walked behind him and took the handles before he spoke. "Kiku?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you for today."

Kiku pushed the wheelchair towards the sidewalk as the words sunk in. He looked around, taking in the brilliant sky, the looming trees, the bright flowers…but despite all of it, his eyes kept falling back on Heracles. "You're welcome."

As they walked towards the hospital, Kiku came to the conclusion that he should be the one saying thank you…for what was possibly the best morning of his life.

.

Kiku did not remember he was supposed to have dinner with his brother until the day was nearly over. Really, he did not remember until he listened to the message Yao had left on one of his breaks between patients, confirming that the plan was still on and they would meet at the restaurant. Of course, this was the one day that Kiku had decided to walk to work. He called him back and explained that having to walk home and get his car might make him late, but Yao insisted that he simply pick him up. Kiku reluctantly agreed. If he forgot one more thing today, he was sure he would lose his mind. Part of him was sure he already had.

The rest of the day was occupied with the needs of Kiku's other patients. Consequently, it passed mostly without excitement. The highlight- if one could call it that- was an elderly woman taking his hand and launching into a hand about all her fears, all her doubts and pent-up feelings. Kiku nodded along, tried to respond the best he could, tried his absolute best to understand. He was not made of stone- hearing the woman speak evoked a helpless sadness in him that he did not know what to do with.

However, no matter how upsetting it was, nothing could seem to hold a candle to the absolute despair Kiku had felt when Heracles was struggling to breathe.

After his last patient of the day, about ten minutes before Yao was supposed to show up, Kiku found himself in Heracles's room yet again. He seemed to find himself there much more often than he was with any other patient, even if he did tell himself he was only doing it as a precaution. It was only a bit after seven in the evening, but it still came as a shock to see that Heracles was awake. When he walked in, Heracles waved. "Evening, Kiku."

"Evening," said Kiku. On the other side of the window, the sky was beginning to darken. The room had turned a light orange. "Do you need anything? Are you in pain?"

Heracles shook his head. "No more than usual."

The relaxation Kiku felt upon hearing the words felt like an internal sigh of relief. "Good." He walked over to the bedside, noticed the chair was inexplicably gone, and hesitantly sat on the foot of the bed. He would feel strange doing this with any other patient… Heracles always seemed to be an exception. "Are you alright?" He meant it more as a personal question than a medical one.

Heracles adverted his eyes, smiled faintly, and smoothed the sheets with his hand. "I am now."

Surely he could not mean… "Because of me?" Kiku curled his fingers into his hand when he realized he had vocalized the thought. He hadn't meant to.

His heart nearly stopped in his chest when Heracles nodded weakly. "Yes," he said. "It is always because of you."

Kiku said nothing for some time. He forgot how to think, for a brief moment forgot how to breathe. He swallowed hard, tried to calm the heavy pounding of his heart and ultimately failed. _It is always because of you…_ the ambiguous statement felt fitting somehow, relevant to just about everything that the past few days had held. He blinked a few times, his lungs feeling heavier. In the end, all he could think to do was change the subject. "My brother will be here soon. We're going to dinner."

Heracles sat up a bit more. "Yao?"

Kiku was surprised that he remembered. "Yes, Yao."

"Will I ever get to meet him?" asked Heracles. "I'm sure your brother is very nice."

"Yes." Kiku surprised himself with the swiftness of his response. "You can meet him soon." In this situation, just about everything had to fall under the umbrella of 'soon.'

"Not today?"

Kiku hesitated. He felt as if it was necessary to warn Yao, explain the situation to him… if Kiku could even figure out for himself what the situation was. The lines between patient and nurse seemed to have blurred into a muck of grey and uncertainty. Really, he was not entirely sure why he was hesitant to let them meet. He just was. "You should get your rest today," he said finally. "Next time. I promise."

Heracles nodded in understanding. "I look forward to it." He looked out the darkening window, his face catching the orange light. "Thank you again for today."

"I should be thanking you," Kiku said without thinking. "It was very relaxing."

"I'm glad," said Heracles. He continued to look out the window with vacant eyes. "You should relax more. It's good for the health."

The irony of the statement lingered in the air for a long moment of silence. Kiku took a deep breath, glanced down at his watch, and saw that Yao was due to be there any minute now. He felt almost nothing but reluctance. "Well," he said. "I should get going."

"Oh." Heracles said it in a sigh. "I'll see you tomorrow?" It sounded as if it was meant to be a statement, but came out as more of a question.

"Yes," Kiku said immediately. He hesitated before he slowly stood up, only to be stopped by Heracles wrapping his hand around his forearm. Surprised, Kiku turned to face him.

Heracles looked him the eyes, but said nothing for a few seconds as if he hadn't thought this far ahead. "Drive safe," he said after awhile. He let his hand linger on Kiku's arm for just a brief moment longer than he needed to.

Words left Kiku in a flash. He nodded rather lamely, turned back around, and walked out the door. He could only wonder why it hurt so much.

.

It took much longer than Kiku anticipated for Yao to show up. When he did, a young blonde man that appeared to be a doctor of sorts accompanied him, and he looked to be in somewhat of a daze. Kiku leaned against the front desk and stared at him, unsure what to make of the strange change of character. Usually, Yao was as composed as could be. When he made his way to where Kiku was standing, he sighed. "Next time, you're meeting me outside." He sounded almost frustrated.

"You took a long time," said Kiku matter-of-factly. He thought it over for a moment, and came to the realization that something may be wrong. "Did something happen? You look a bit frazzled."

Yao rolled his eyes, his expression an odd mix between exasperation and disbelief. "You would not belief what I had to go through to get here," he said. "First, I got lost. I took about fifty wrong turns, and I somehow ended up in the psychiatric unit." He paused, his jaw clenching as though he were uncomfortable. "Anyway, I ran into one of the psych patients. He was about ten feet tall, he kept calling me his sunflower, and then he actually hugged me! I thought I was going to suffocate. It was horrifying."

Kiku stared blankly back at him, a small surge of fear shooting into him. That definitely sounded horrifying. "Wow," he said. He felt partially responsible, for whatever reason. "That is…wow. I apologize, Yao. Are you alright?"

Yao looked unfazed. "Yeah. It wasn't your fault," he said dismissively. "But you guys need better security. Or maps."

Kiku nodded. The hospital could be quite overwhelming. He had gotten lost plenty of times himself. "It is quite a large building," he said. "Thank you for picking me up, by the way."

"No problem." Yao glanced at a nearby clock. "We're going to get dinner still, yes?"

Kiku nodded. Out of nothing other than laziness, he had been surviving on mostly ramen. A proper meal sounded amazing right then. "Yes, that sounds great."

With Kiku leading the way, they exited the hospital. The car ride passed in mostly silence. While Yao drove, Kiku stared out the window. That was another thing that had changed over the past few days. Whenever there was a window, he unconsciously stared out of it. He didn't look away until the car was parked.

Yao turned off the engine, but didn't exit the car immediately. "Is something wrong, Kiku?"

Kiku blinked out of his daze and turned to face him. "No. Why?"

"You're pretty quiet." Yao shrugged. "Well, you usually are, but you seem to be exceptionally quiet today."

"Fatigue," said Kiku quickly. It was not entirely a lie –his silence was the product of both exhaustion and deep thought. He chose to omit the latter. He saw an opportunity to take the focus off himself and dove for it. "You are just as quiet, you know."

Yao shrugged. "Long hours at the restaurant," he said. Kiku nodded back in understanding. Yao was a chef. He owned his own business, and he had no doubt in his mind that it often got stressful. Both supposedly tired, they got out and walked inside.

The restaurant was moderately occupied, neither vacant nor bursting. It was some sort of 'Asian fusion' place that Kiku had never been to or heard of, which basically meant Americanized sushi and noodle dishes. At least it wasn't boxed ramen. Kiku was grateful for that. They made their way to a booth, and Kiku was thankful that it was not by a window. He had never been one to space out before, but now, he really could not be sure.

"Well, this place won't be as good as _my _restaurant, but it will do," Yao said, smirking as he flipped through the pages of the menu. There was a halt in conversation as Kiku picked up his menu and did the same, but he could barely focus on the letters on the page. The day's events clouded his thoughts relentlessly. When Kiku failed to break the silence, Yao took the reigns. "So," he said without looking up. "I understand you have a bit of a new job. How's that going?"

That would not have been a loaded question under any other circumstance, but this particular time, it was. Kiku continued to glaze over the words on the menu that he wasn't actually reading. "It can be…difficult."

"I would imagine. It's always sounded depressing." Yao flipped the page again and rested his chin in his hand. "Are your coworkers okay, at least?"

"Yes," said Kiku. "I work mostly with another nurse named Feliciano and a doctor, Ludwig. They are nice." Kiku sincerely liked Feliciano and Dr. Beilschmidt. They were perfectly nice people, they didn't mind when Kiku asked questions, and they overall made things pretty tolerable. No matter how true that was, his mind consistently and stubbornly went to one thing alone. "One of my patients is twenty-seven." He said it without even considering where it could take the conversation.

That was the thing to finally tear Yao away from the menu. "A twenty-seven year old in hospice?" he asked as if he barely understood. Kiku felt a sickening twist in his stomach. He nodded. "That's awful. What is wrong with him?"

"His heart is failing." Kiku found that he was detached from the words. "He was never treated. There was nothing more they could do."

"Wow." Yao shook his head. "How is he coping?"

Kiku wished he could answer that, he truly did, but the hard truth was that he was still in the process of figuring that out himself. He was bought some time when a waitress came to take their orders- Kiku just picked the first thing he saw on the page. For a moment he thought he had successfully dodged the troublesome question, but that hope was shot to the ground when Yao eyed him intently, seemingly waiting. "Kiku?" he said, breaking him out of his trance. "Are you sure you're alright? You got quiet all of a sudden."

"Oh." Kiku traced a groove in the table with his finger. "Yes. I am fine."

Yao looked suspicious. "No, you aren't," he said. "Is this about your patient? I would think seeing someone so young going through that would be difficult."

Kiku ignored the seizing pain in his chest and looked up. If only it was that simple. He quickly realized it should be that simple. "His name is Heracles." He felt someone inside him snap, and he stopped thinking. "He grew up in Greece, he knows a lot about philosophy and mythology, and he was studying pre-med before he got sick. He lived with a man named Sadiq, but they didn't get along. He worked in a animal shelter because he loves cats."

Yao's suspicion switched to bewilderment. "Wow. Okay," he said. "Do you know this much about all your patients?"

That was not even close to the truth. Save for their full name, their condition, and what had to be done to keep them comfortable and cared for, Kiku knew next to nothing about most of his patients. It wasn't that he avoided doing so intentionally; it was just how the job worked. "No." He dropped his gaze and went back to tracing the curves in the table's wood, wondering why he felt almost guilty, as if he had done something wrong.

Yao drummed his fingers against the table, shifted his posture and said nothing for a few moments, as if he were unsure what to make of this. Kiku continued to avoid eye contact. "Kiku." Yao had softened his voice. Kiku being the younger of the two, his tone reminded him of the way Yao comforted him after he got hurt when they were children. "I'm getting the feeling this isn't just a patient."

"He is…my friend." That was the truth, so it came as a surprise when the word suddenly felt inadequate. Kiku ignored it.

"Ah." There was a long break in conversation when the food came. Long silences weren't exactly an odd thing in their relationship since neither of them was particularly talkative, but something about this silence felt heavy. Yao picked up a bit of noodles with his chopsticks and stared at them idly as he spoke again. "Are you sure that this is a good idea?"

Kiku had allowed his mind to go blank. "What is?"

Yao swallowed the bite of food, leaned back against the booth, and sighed. "Getting attached to a patient… a terminally ill patient. Do you think it's in your best interest?"

Oh. Kiku was about to start eating, but he sighed and set down the chopsticks. Really, he knew better than this. He knew full well that Yao was right, but that was somehow not stopping him. He wasn't exactly willing to consider it, either. "I…don't know." Why did it seem like he had forgotten how to speak today?

"Kiku, do you understand that Heracles is terminal?" Yao's voice now held an edge of impatience.

Kiku looked up, half confused, half simply hurt. He narrowed his eyes in slight aggravation. Did Yao think he did not understand what his job was? "Of course I do," he said. "How could I not, Yao? This is my job."

Yao lifted a hand as if to back off. "I know. But there is a difference between knowing something and understanding it. Why don't you say if out loud? Have you ever done that?"

The partial hurt Kiku had felt switched to plain confusion. He stared back at Yao blankly. The request was flat out bizarre. "What?"

"Heracles is in hospice. That means he is going to die." Yao's mouth twitched into a frown as he said the words. He shrugged and then looked up again, looking apologetic. "Say that."

Kiku was not sure whether to be annoyed, sad, or just puzzled. That was what he believed he should be feeling, at least. All he truly felt was a strange numbness, a sense of detachment. He resigned to the fact that Yao would not be satisfied until he did what he was told, so he ultimately did it to appease him. "Heracles is in hospice. That means he is going to die."

Kiku did not think that saying what he already knew would do anything, so he was shocked when his stomach clenched and his chest lurched in pain. He had never said something like that out loud. He had thought it many times, he thought he understood, but he apparently didn't. The realization washed over him like a frigid rain, the feeling unlike anything he had ever felt. He clenched his hands into shaking fists and repeated it, though he wasn't sure why he was doing it again. "He is dying." He blinked a few times to clear his rapidly blurring vision. "Heracles is…" He paused, took a breath and closed his eyes briefly before forcing out the last word. "Dying."

Yao jumped a little in his seat. "I didn't mean to upset you." He reeled back from his shock and sighed. "I just don't want to see my brother get hurt, alright?"

Kiku knew what Yao was trying to do, and he couldn't blame him for doing it. Still, he had not expected it to cause this sudden, overwhelming pain. "I know." He ended up sounding distant and vapid. Kiku started eating again, but he barely tasted it. He had lost his appetite, anyway.

.

After dinner Kiku went to bed almost immediately, but he could not sleep. His mind was racing, and he was powerless to calm the storm raging inside him.

Kiku had a lot of uncertainties since his transferring locations, and that uncertainty had become the only thing that was consistent. If he was not careful, he could allow his professionalism to slip under the weight of his own feelings; his own strange, unfamiliar feelings that left him more confused than he had ever been in his life. He was sure that during the last few days alone, he had _felt _more than he had in a decade. Every time he looked at Heracles or even thought about him, his chest tightened in a perplexing, foreign mix of sympathy, delight, dread, excitement, and a pinch of something he simply could not put into words.

Saying he did not know what to make of this was a vast understatement. To some extent, even though the majority of nurses would never admit it, patients were to some extent, simply paperwork. At some point, they become extensions of their jobs more than anything else. This is how it always was for Kiku. This was not to say that he didn't care about his patients, but his feelings and thoughts about them stayed at the door when he left the hospital.

Somehow, Heracles kept metaphorically following him home. Through no fault of his own, Heracles absolutely refused to only be paperwork- Heracles, who was so honest and kind and passionate despite his circumstances, Heracles who did not expect Kiku to talk much, Heracles who was in so much pain. Heracles, who only had months. As the stream of thoughts passed, Kiku had to remind himself to continue breathing.

Kiku rolled onto his back and sighed into the empty darkness. He knew that logically, this friendship should not continue. He knew this would only hurt him in the end. He knew this would interfere with his job. Kiku almost allowed these thoughts to upset him, to panic him, but then he realized- maybe some things were more important. Maybe some things were worth the pain.

If Heracles was not worth it, than what was?

* * *

><p><em>To be continued...<em>

* * *

><p><strong>Author's note: Kiku's little inner <strong>**dialogue about what it means to be a nurse was not meant to speak for all nurses. Those were just Kiku's thoughts about himself and the people he worked with. **

* * *

><p><strong>I bet quite a few of you were able to guess who Yao ran into. The psych patient was, of course, Ivan. If you're interested in their side of the story, know my companion fic <em>Little Sunflower<em>****is currently in the works and will start publishing soon. :)**


	6. Chapter 6

Due to how little sleep Kiku actually ended up getting, which was quickly becoming a habit, he woke up a jittery mess of anxiety and exhaustion. The exhaustion had an obvious cause, which he was thankful for. At least something was certain. The anxiety, however, was far more difficult to place. Overall, he felt apprehensive as he drove to work.

He felt equal amounts of excitement and unease about seeing Heracles. No matter how much he wanted to see him, a nagging voice in the back of his head told him Yao was right. Maybe this was truly an awful idea. As soon as the thought entered his mind, Kiku shook it out. No. He and Heracles were friends. Even though they had known each other for a short time, it was one of the most fulfilling friendships he ever had. He would not let that slip through his fingers, no matter what the circumstances were.

When Kiku entered the staff room, Ludwig was nowhere to be seen. The only other person there was Feliciano, who was shockingly not smiling. He was staring blankly into a cup of coffee, looking to be deep in contemplation. Without his boundless energy, the room seemed oddly cold and far too still. "Feliciano?" said Kiku, shattering the eerie silence. "Is something wrong?"

Seeming startled, Feliciano looked up quickly. "Oh. Morning, Kiku," he said, offering a smile that looked tight and forced. "I'm alright. Just a little worried. My Grandpa…he hasn't been feeling well. He's going to see a doctor today."

Kiku remembered how his own grandfather had fallen ill and felt a stab of sympathy. He walked over to the table and sat down before he responded. "I see." He said, wondering if he should apologize but determined to break that habit. Instead, he went with what was possibly the next best thing. "Would you like to talk about it?"

"Oh, Kiku!" Feliciano lurched forward and embraced Kiku in a messy, wild hug. Kiku tensed and patted his back with a stiff hand until he let go. "You're such a good friend! There isn't really much to talk about right now, but I'll tell you if there is, okay?"

Kiku nodded. Feliciano had been nothing but kind to him; the least he could do was offer a listening ear. Finding that there was nothing else he could do or say, Kiku opened his bag and began the process of filling out the morning's paperwork. He had to try especially hard to keep the growing fog in his mind at bay, and he kept finding that he frequently zoned out in the middle of a sentence. He really did need more sleep. Gone were the days of clarity and focus, he supposed. Sometimes he really did miss the night shift.

Consequently, he did not hear Ludwig until what was probably the third time he tried to get his attention. "…Kiku? Kiku, can you hear me?"

Kiku jumped in his seat. Really, he was lucky he did not fall off of it. "Yes, I can, I'm sorry." _Damn. _Well, he supposed he at least had a legitimate reason for apologizing that time. He smoothed down the fabric of his scrubs and regained his composure. "Good morning, Dr. Beilschmidt."

Ludwig raised an eyebrow and stared at Kiku intently for a moment that might as well have been an entire year. Finally, he broke the intense eye contact and sat down. It wasn't until he started working on a pile of paperwork of his own that he spoke again. "You seem a bit tired, Kiku. Still adjusting to the new schedule?"

Kiku mentally reprimanded himself. Even if he _was _so tired he could barely keep his eyes from closing, he should have been disciplined enough not to let it show. "Yes," he said. "I apologize, sir."

Ludwig nodded down at his paperwork. "Well, I suppose it is a good thing that you two have a scheduled day off tomorrow."

This finally tore Feliciano away from what seemed to be his true calling that morning –staring into his now-cold coffee. "Really?" he asked. Ludwig nodded. "Wow, I completely forgot, that's great! I could spend the day with my grandpa." With that, Feliciano fell silent again.

Kiku knew that any normal person would have jumped at this opportunity, but he hesitated. His first thought was, what would he do with himself all day? He could not remember the last time he took a weekday off that wasn't a compulsory holiday, and he always seemed to be doing some sort of paperwork on the weekends, unless he was working then, too. His second thought was…Heracles. Even though the thought didn't expand beyond his name, the latter rang in his mind far louder than the former.

"Are you sure?" asked Kiku instead of voicing any of his actual thoughts. "I could always come in and help with… something, if it was needed."

Ludwig blinked, and then furrowed his brow as if he were confused. "I cannot say I've heard many people resist time off," he said with a slight laugh. "There really is no need, but if you would like to come in, I can't stop you. It is not my decision."

"Take the day off, Kiku!" said Feliciano suddenly. "You're so tired! Come on, it'll be fun!"

Kiku's face grew warmer when he realized all the attention was suddenly on him. He felt instantly silly and focused his attention on adjusting his collar. "Alright." He nearly whispered, wanting nothing more than to end his time as the center of attention. He had no choice but to comply. "I suppose I will."

"It will do you good," said Ludwig. He checked his watch and stood up. "I'm due for surgery. I will see you two Monday, if not later today." Before walking off, Kiku saw him place a hand on Feliciano's back for a split second.

Feliciano watched Ludwig until he could no longer be seen, his eyes blank and listless. He caught sight of a nearby clock after a long while, visibly broke out of his stupor and hopped to his feet. The energy he spontaneously gained made it seem as though he had never been uncharacteristically quiet to begin with. "Oh no, I'm late for a patient!" He said, grabbing for his bag haphazardly. "See you later, Kiku!" With that, he was running for the door.

Kiku was grateful for the sudden quiet in the staffroom. He took the opportunity to breathe, to make another attempt at clearing his mind only to fail- it seemed the twisting thoughts in his mind were not going to cease any time soon. Oh well. His shift did not technically start for another ten minutes. He could have finished his paperwork; he could have gotten a cup of coffee. But before he could so much as take a second breath, he realized he could be spending this time with Heracles.

He got up and left immediately.

.

When Kiku got to Heracles's room, the first thing he did was open the window. It was another pleasant day, sunny and mild. Maybe the fresh air would do both of them good. It could serve to clear Kiku's mind, and… well, if only sunshine could cure more serious ailments. At least it could not hurt Heracles any. Kiku looked down at his sleeping form, allowing his gaze to linger until he could make out the sheets rising and falling with his chest.

The soft, fragrant gusts of wind must have stirred Heracles awake. Kiku quickly looked away when he opened his eyes, hoping to himself that he had not noticed him looking. Heracles coughed a few times as he sat up, a pained expression crossing his face when he managed to prop himself upright after what felt like an eternity. "Morning." His voice sounded slightly fatigued, slightly strained.

Kiku bit back the faint sympathetic pang in his chest and forced a small grin. "Good morning," he said. "How are you?"

Heracles opened his mouth as if to speak, but did not answer. Instead he sat up a little straighter, his eyes opened a little wider, and he pressed his lips together into a tight line. He brought a hand to his chest and Kiku felt a jolt of panic. "Heracles?" He said the word in a harsh whisper. With Heracles, Kiku was on constant hyper alert. Every little movement, every little change could be a sign of something much more insidious.

"Wow," Heracles whispered, jolting a bit forward, his voice hitching on the word. This was not the same kind of 'wow' from the other day. This was much more startled, much less whimsical than it had been before. "Kiku… come feel this." He pulled at the front of his white t-shirt as he said it, the words barely audible.

Kiku could barely move, much less think through the rush of emotions flooding through him. When he finally registered the statement, all he could do was walk towards Heracles without even thinking about what he had meant. When he was in arms reach, Heracles took Kiku's hand in his and led it to his chest. Kiku did not think about that either; only laid his palm flat against his breastbone. It took all he had not to gasp in shock. Where he was used to feeling a calm, rhythmic beat like a metronome, there was a wild, uneven pounding like a rain beating down on the pavement in its place.

Kiku felt as if his blood had stopped in his veins. "Oh my god."

He felt Heracles jump slightly under his touch as if he had been kicked. "Something, isn't it?" He sounded as though he were used to this. In some sick, twisted way, he sounded almost amused.

Time stopped as Kiku mulled over a list of worst-case scenarios in his mind. "Are you…" He could not form the rest of the sentence: _Are you having a heart attack._ Even if he had been able to vocalize his concern, how would Heracles have any clue what was happening to him? Kiku quickly realized that he was more knowledgeable than this; that he was jumping to unreasonable conclusions. There were not enough symptoms present for this to be a heart attack. Still… he had never felt anything quite as surreal and unnatural as this.

"It will stop soon." Heracles covered Kiku's trembling hand with his, caging both of them around his rapidly beating heart, and took a series of deep breaths. "This happens sometimes. There is no reason to be alarmed, I just wanted to show you." He spoke so calmly, almost as if he were to one trying to calm the situation even if it should logically be the other way around.

Kiku stood perfectly still, staring blankly at Heracles's chest, unsure what he was supposed to feel. He stayed that way, both of them not saying a word as if they were entranced, until the beating of his heart returned to a pace that could almost be considered normal. Almost. A long time passed before Kiku could say anything. "Does that…hurt?" He asked finally. He felt like he needed to know, and it was not just because of his job.

Heracles shrugged weakly. "Sort of."

_Sort of_. Somehow, Kiku knew that was a lie. As soon as he figured that out, which didn't take long, he felt a pinching pain in his chest that he imagined was similar. "Oh." It did not matter that about a million thoughts were spinning through his mind; that was all he could say. It was not until after he said that one insignificant word that he realized one, his hand was still on Heracles's chest, and two, he had no real desire to move it.

It was almost as if time stopped in its tracks. The room was so thick with silence that Kiku was suddenly hyper-aware of Heracles's slightly labored breaths, of his own breathing, of the pounding of his heart, and for a brief moment of pure insanity Kiku was sure he could hear his blood running through his body. He finally came back to his senses and withdrew his hand. Really, what was he thinking?

Heracles finally looked up to meet his gaze, seemingly unperturbed. With a completely blank expression, he said, "Why does it seem like my heart always speeds up around you, Kiku?"

Kiku felt his face flush and his mind go numb, finding that he only partially hoped Heracles had misspoken. No, ridiculous, of course he didn't mean anything by it. "I'm not sure," he said finally, rather lamely. It seemed like an inadequate response, and he felt even more socially incompetent than he already did right after. There was a gap in conversation, and Kiku could only think to change the subject. "I have the day off tomorrow."

Just like that, the fleeting heaviness of the moment vanished. For some reason, Kiku felt as if he had ruined something. A pinch of what looked to be disappointment passed over Heracles's face. "Oh."

"I do not really want to," said Kiku, feeling somewhat guilty, "it is more something I have to do."

Heracles tilted his head to the side. "Why would you not want to? Having days off is great. You can sleep, or play with cats, or read…they are lovely." He glanced out the open window, eyes glinting as if to remember something fondly. "You could take pictures."

Kiku was slightly surprised he had remembered, but it seemed as though Heracles remembered just about everything he told him. He considered the idea and realized the next day would be a better time than ever to pick up photography again. He was even more surprised to realize that he was suddenly looking forward to it. However, there was one thing keeping him from reveling in that feeling completely, and he had a feeling that reason was right in front of him. "I suppose I can," he said, albeit feeling reluctant. He managed to find some good in the situation. "I can show you the pictures when I come back."

Heracles turned to him again and visibly perked up. "Really?" he asked. Kiku nodded, though he was confused as to why this would be something exciting. "I think I would love to see your pictures, Kiku. Though I think I will miss you."

"I will miss you too." Kiku was dazed by his own automatic, instinctual response. He nearly allowed himself to be embarrassed before he realized that was the complete and honest truth. "It is only one day," he added, more for himself than anyone.

"What about the weekend?"

Oh. Kiku had completely forgotten. "I will…visit." For whatever reason, it just seemed like the right thing to say. Right after he said it, however, he was sure someone or something else was controlling his words. He had never visited a patient outside of his working hours before, but this seemed to be a week full of firsts. He came to the conclusion that he was in fact doing the right thing and repeated himself for good measure. "Yes. I will visit you, Heracles."

Heracles's sudden smile was an open one, as opposed to the barely-there grin he usually mustered. "Really?"

Kiku nodded quickly, confidently. Seeing Heracles was both an inconsistency and regularity in his life- a regularity because he saw him everyday, and an inconsistency because he never knew what that day's visit would bring him. New emotions, new experiences, a new way of seeing things- anything could happen. It was strange, inexplicable, and at times downright anxiety inducing, but for a reason that was beyond Kiku's comprehension, he was not willing to miss a single day of it. It was something he had never felt before, something he hadn't the words to explain. It was just as if he had stumbled upon a new color that no one else had ever seen.

Finally, Kiku shook off the odd thoughts and broke the silence. "You should eat something." He said, stooping down to remove the Styrofoam container from his cart. He handed it to Heracles, who stared at it warily. "It will give you energy." Kiku knew he was lying to both of them. Heracles barely had any energy to speak of regardless. Bland hospital food would hardly serve as a cure.

Heracles opened the container anyway. Its contents appeared to be scrambled eggs and suspiciously soggy-looking toast. "Thank you," he said despite how it looked. Then, he resumed his usual mealtime routine of picking at the food only occasionally taking small bites of it. Kiku knew his condition hindered his appetite, but he had a feeling the food served there wasn't particularly helping.

"Maybe I will bring you some better food tomorrow," said Kiku and then quickly added, "Perhaps it will help your appetite."

Heracles blinked, poked at a piece of egg with his fork, and after a long pause looked up. "Why are you so nice to me, Kiku?" The question sounded as if it held weight, like he had been waiting for an opportunity to ask it for quite some time.

"Because," Kiku started, then immediately realized he was not sure how to finish the sentence. He adverted his eyes and dragged his pencil against his clipboard. "Because it is my job to take care of you." He tried to say it casually, but it ended up sounding vapid and dishonest. In the very back of his mind, Kiku knew it ran much deeper than that.

He was not sure if he should be scared.

.

Early the next morning, Kiku came to the conclusion that he had forgotten how to sleep in. Even though he had switched off his alarm and shut his curtains the night prior, his eyes opened automatically at six-thirty on the dot as if someone had shook him awake. Seven o'clock came and went, and he was still lying wide-awake in the same position. He sighed and swung his legs over the side of the bed. At least sleeping had been less difficult the previous night.

When Kiku got out of bed and went to fix his breakfast, he noticed one thing in particular- his house was really, really quiet, maybe even disturbingly so. Had it always been like this? More importantly, did it always leave him feeling this melancholic? He may not have much time on workdays, but surely he would have noticed this before, surely… he chalked it up to overthinking. He turned on a radio to fill to silence; some news station that covered sporting events Kiku hadn't even thought to watch.

Even with the radio droning on, Kiku soon realized that he couldn't stand sitting in this silence any longer. After only a moderate amount of digging, he managed to unearth his camera. Today was a better day than ever to take a walk. Besides, he needed something to show Heracles that afternoon. He made a mental note to put extra effort into these photographs. Before he left, Kiku glanced at the clock and reminded himself for the fifth time that morning that visitation at the hospital started at four.

.

With his camera swinging idly around his neck, Kiku sauntered down the sidewalk- the same sidewalk he had walked with Heracles. He hadn't made a conscious decision to walk to same park, he just found himself there, as if the path was permanently engrained in his memory. Somehow, it felt like the right place to be when he was looking for inspiration.

That being said, Kiku was having trouble finding his muse. He had forgotten, just like he had forgotten so many other things, that photography went far beyond simply knowing what buttons to press. It was a careful science of finding the perfect lighting, getting the angles right, not to mention actually finding something that was worth photographing…he had completely forgotten the amount of blood, sweat and tears that went into this. But that did not matter. He was determined to break back into this, even if his photos ended up being nothing more than the epitome of amateurish.

Still, the question remained: What on earth was he supposed to take pictures of? This had never been an issue before. In high school, Kiku just photographed whatever happened to catch his eye first. Then he realized what the difference was- he would be showing these to someone. He continued to amble along the path and finally past the gates of the park, looking side to side to find that spark that would ignite a spark of brilliance in him, searching for the thing that would be worthy of showing to Heracles.

Moments before Kiku allowed himself to think such a thing didn't exist, he walked past the tree they had fallen asleep under days before. The moment he saw the leaves rustling in the wind, the clouds dotting the sky above it, he stopped walking. With some hesitance, he lifted his camera, focused it, and took the picture without allowing himself to overthink it. He looked down at the camera's screen, memory hit like a gust of cold air, and a forgotten happiness buzzed beneath his skin.

Something clicked, and suddenly it was simple.

.

Now with a respectable amount of pictures locked away in his camera roll, Kiku found himself walking into a second-hand bookstore he hadn't noticed until that day. The last time he'd set foot in any kind of bookstore was far too long ago. Consequently, the charm these mom-and-pop type stores held had slipped his mind. Kiku smiled to himself as he took in the rows of books, taking in the smell of yellowing pages.

The store was sparsely occupied, much to Kiku's relief. He had walked in without a purpose and with no end goal in mind, so that was how he wandered the store. The entirety of the morning had passed similarly, free of deadlines and time constraints; free of paperwork and patients needing assistance- and Kiku actually felt relaxed. Just a few weeks ago, the feeling was somewhat of a foreign concept. He never would have guessed he would be spending his days looking out of windows, sleeping under trees, taking days off of work… it was amazing, how quickly things could change. He almost laughed at the pure absurdity of it, but it came out as more of a sigh.

After inspecting the store's (rather pitiful) manga selection, Kiku ambled through the store's many isles at random, not stopping to check what section he was entering into. He didn't realize he was in the philosophy section until he began to read the titles, and one name stuck out like a rose growing from the pavement: Aristotle. Kiku plucked the book for the dusty shelf, leafed through the pages, and smiled.

Perfect.

* * *

><p><em>To be continued...<em>


	7. Chapter 7

The rest of the morning as well as the early afternoon passed in a sleepy haze. By the time four o'clock rolled around, Kiku felt as if he had taken years off of work instead of a single day. His mind was clear, his posture was relaxed, and everything was just as simple as could be. When he approached the hospital, the mental fog he had suffered the previous day came flooding back, his shoulders tensed, and everything suddenly became complicated again.

It felt strange to enter the hospital in street clothes. Even though he had walked through these same doors every day for the past week, Kiku felt inexplicably out of place. Out of habit alone, he almost entered the staffroom before he caught himself. On the way to Heracles's room, he saw Ludwig walking down the hall. "Hello, sir," Kiku said, also out of habit.

"Kiku." Ludwig sounded slightly surprised, if not a bit confused. He stopped walking and raised an eyebrow. "I thought you were taking today off."

"I am." Kiku gestured to himself with both hands to prove his point. "I am not working. I only came to visit someone."

"Oh." Ludwig nodded in understanding, shifted his weight to one foot and glanced down the hall. He looked as if he already knew, and his next word only proved that suspicion. "Heracles?"

Kiku nodded, but soon realized this could come across as odd if not downright inappropriate. The last of the relaxation he was able to cling to since he entered seemed to fade away in a mere instant. He stood up a little straighter. "Is this a bad thing?"

Ludwig slowly shook his head. "No, that's alright. I just got done checking up on him, actually." He looked down at his chart, Kiku assuming it was Heracles's.

"How is he?"

"I would think you would know," Ludwig said. Kiku cringed internally, embarrassed by his knee-jerk response. Ludwig continued anyway. "He is in a lot of pain. It's mostly in his legs due to the swelling, but he's feeling a significant amount of discomfort in his chest as well. We're giving him glyceryl trinitrate, but it does not seem to help as much as we would hope."

"Oh." Without warning, Kiku felt as if his heart had dropped into his stomach. He broke eye contact without making a conscious decision to do so. "Maybe we can up the dosage."

"Yes, I believe that would be a good idea. We just have to be careful not to overdo it." Ludwig paused, the corner of his mouth twitching slightly. "You must remember what department this is. Our goal is providing enough comfort to make things manageable, not to eliminate problems completely."

Kiku nodded again. Really, what more was there to say? He knew that, he had always known that, yet it always slipped his mind. "I suppose I will get going now." He spun the canvas bag in his hand as he spoke, needing something else to focus on.

Ludwig nodded and began walking again. "See you Monday, Kiku."

Kiku had a feeling he would be running into him again before then. He didn't move for a moment, only spun the bag again and again as if he were entranced. When a doctor he did not recognize ran down the hall and nearly knocked him over, he came back to reality. He shuffled down the hall, feeling as though he was attempting to move through wet sand. It took all of a minute to reach Heracles's room, but it felt as if the walk had been unnecessarily long. He knocked on the door, the sound echoing through the empty hall. "Heracles?"

There was a pause and what sounded like sheets shifting. Kiku assumed with a small flash of guilt that he probably woke Heracles up. "Kiku?" he said; sounding almost surprised. "Come in, please." Kiku opened the door and walked in. Heracles looked at him and smiled. "I've never seen you out of your uniform before."

"I guess you haven't." Kiku suddenly felt self-conscious, wondering if he had worn the right thing even though he had never given it any mind before.

"You look nice."

Kiku looked down at himself. Nice? He hardly thought he looked any different than he usually did. He had to fight back a smile regardless. No one had ever told him that before. "Thank you." He glanced at Heracles's messy hair and askew shirt, which was currently hanging off of him in a way that exposed his collarbone. "You do too." Heracles may have looked disheveled, but there was something charming about it- something that made Kiku look away and flush, feeling confused.

"Really?" Heracles pulled his sleeve back up his shoulder. "Huh. I didn't think so. Thank you, Kiku."

Kiku nodded, shook off the feeling and thought back to his short-lived conversation with Ludwig as he sat down on the chair next to the bed. Force of habit won out again, and Kiku spoke in the same way he had every other time he entered that room. "Is everything okay? Are you in pain?"

Heracles drew his knees up to his chest and stared at them. His smile fell. "It isn't your job to ask that today."

"I know." Kiku knew he was not working that day, but that didn't stop him from wanting to know. He wanted to help, though he wasn't sure if that was possible. "I did not ask because I had to."

"Oh." Heracles tucked a piece of hair behind his ear and blinked. "No, I'm not." His words sounded shallow. "I'm fine."

"Are you lying?" It sounded far more accusatory than Kiku intended. Doubt was all he could feel, considering Ludwig had told him the exact opposite of what he was being told. But why would Heracles be lying to him? "I mean…" He was at a loss for words. Nothing he could think to say felt appropriate.

But he didn't have to say anything, because Heracles spoke before he could. "It's alright." He ran his hand across his leg and his shoulders tensed. He sighed, closed his eyes briefly and looked into his lap. "I didn't want to worry you."

Kiku almost apologized, but stopped himself when he realized the simple words wouldn't help a thing. It was clear to see that Heracles did not want to draw attention to his condition, much less talk about it. Kiku saw an opportunity to distract him and took it immediately. "Here," he said, reaching into his bag. He drew out the book he had purchased hours earlier. "I got this for you."

Heracles accepted the book and gazed at the cover, tracing his finger over the words as if it was written in braille. "Aristotle," he said, eyes wide and transfixed on the title. He opened the cover and flipped through the pages. "I can't remember the last time I read a book…" He finally looked up and met Kiku's eyes. "You remembered. Thank you so much, Kiku."

The pure disbelief in his tone caused Kiku's chest to fill with warmth. He didn't think he had done much of anything; it wasn't as if the book was expensive or difficult to find. Besides, the sparkle in Heracles's eyes would have made it worth it even if it were either of those things. Having zoned out, it came as a shock when Heracles suddenly pulled him close. Kiku had to bite down on his lip to suppress a gasp, and for a split second he considered pulling away. Then he realized he didn't want to. It usually made him uncomfortable when patients hugged him. While this still felt foreign, this was different. He placed his hand carefully on Heracles's shoulders, already starting to feel the blush creeping up on his cheeks.

After a few moments, Heracles pulled back. This time, it was his turn to apologize. "Sorry," he said. "I just…can't believe it." He turned his attention back to the book on his lap, his eyes unblinking as he scanned the page.

"It really was not a big deal," said Kiku. His voice ended up sounding distorted, so he cleared his throat. Then he remembered he had one more thing to give him. While Heracles was still absorbed in his book, he reached into his bag again and withdrew a Greek salad he had got from a nearby deli. The choice felt appropriate somehow. He placed the box on Heracles's lap. "I thought this might be better than hospital food."

"That's feta," Heracles stated. This must have been a significant detail, because it got him to put down the book. He opened the plastic contained, picked up the disposable fork and ate with more enthusiasm that Kiku had ever seen him display towards food. Between bites, he said, "You're the best friend I ever had, Kiku."

The words caused Kiku's breath to catch in his throat. Whatever reasonable thought he had left in his head left him, and it suddenly did not matter that he had met Heracles only days ago, what the circumstances were or what their relationship should have been like from a professional standpoint. "I think you are too."

Just like that, Kiku forgot what Ludwig had said once again. He had a best friend. That was all that mattered.

.

When Kiku visited Heracles the following day, he was surprised the see that he was awake. What did not come as a surprise was that he was still absorbed in that book. Kiku smiled to himself, feeling accomplished that he managed to do something to distract him from his pain. After gazing upon the sight for a moment, he spoke. "Good afternoon, Heracles. How is the book?" He was pleased to note that conversation with Heracles was beginning to come to him more naturally.

Heracles looked up and smiled. Kiku could not help but notice the faint dark circles under his eyes. "It's great." He looked back down at the book and motioned for Kiku to come in. "Sit down. I want to share a few things with you."

Curious, Kiku walked in and sat down in the usual chair. Heracles flipped to a dog-eared page. "I like this one," he said, pointing to a line. "What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies."

"How sentimental," said Kiku, unsure exactly what to make of that.

"And this one." Heracles flipped to another page. "The antidote for fifty enemies is one friend." He looked to Kiku as if to ask for approval. Kiku simply nodded, spellbound by the passion in his words, and Heracles ran his finger down the page he was on. "Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow ripening fruit."

Kiku was beginning to see a pattern, here. "Aristotle must have really liked his friends." When there was no response, he glanced up from the book and looked at Heracles. He saw there was a faint blush dusting his cheeks. "Is there any reason why you chose these specifically?" He hoped he knew why Heracles chose these quotes, but he did not want to assume…

"They reminded me of you," Heracles said with a slight shrug, as if saying it was the easiest thing in the world, as if he had no idea that the words caused Kiku to feel as if the air had been replaced with tar. He turned a couple more pages and visibly tightened his grip on the book. "One more. I forgot about this one."

Somehow, Kiku felt this line would be more significant than the last three. "Alright."

"Without friends no one would choose to live," he paused, and Kiku had to remind himself to continue to breath. Heracles continued in a quieter voice. "Though he had all other goods."

Kiku almost spoke, almost offered some lifeless response like 'oh,' but the words got caught in his thought and ultimately died before they reached his lips. He was vaguely sure he had actually heard that quote before, but the words were definitely striking him far deeper than had in the past. There was a long silence as the words hung over them like thick fog. It was Heracles who had the courage to break it. "Kiku, can I ask you something?"

"Sure." Kiku was too busy mulling over the quotes to think anything of the question.

"What do you think happens when we die?"

The question hit like a bullet to the stomach. Kiku looked up, startled, and could only say, "What?" He looked at Heracles for some kind of non-verbal hint as to how on earth he was supposed to answer that, but his face was blank and unassuming. "What brought this on?"

Heracles shrugged again, his eyes drifting towards the window. "That line made me think of it. I'm curious what you might think."

Kiku had not given that question much thought in the past. For the most part, he simply thought of it as the end. He was never particularly religious, but he never made it a point not to be, either. Death was always something that he knew existed, but never something he dwelled on for long. It was simply an unconscious fact that clung to the very back of his mind. "I'm not sure I have an answer to that." However, the subject had recently crept into his everyday thoughts… he closed his eyes as if the action would stop his mind from whirling. "What do you think?"

Heracles spoke as if he had rehearsed his answer. "I believe in reincarnation."

Kiku's discomfort switched to intrigue. Reincarnation was the type of thing he learned about in high school history classes when they covered ancient religions. He didn't think he knew a single other person that stood by these beliefs, even though he had never asked anyone. Heracles just kept getting more interesting. "Really?" said Kiku. "Tell me about that."

"I believe that if someone is a good person, they get to be something pleasant in their next life. Like a cat." The excited way Heracles was speaking suggested he had never had an opportunity to talk about this until right then. "If they aren't a good person, like if they hurt other people, then they become something not as pleasant. Like… a rock."

Putting aside the fact that rocks weren't actually alive, Kiku suddenly understood why Heracles did not seem upset about his situation. He wasn't upset because he did not believe he was going to die- he believed another door would be opening for him soon. Kiku found that absolutely beautiful. "I never considered that before," he said honestly, even though that may not be true after he got some time alone with his thoughts later that evening. "It is very interesting."

"What if we met again in the next life, Kiku?" said Heracles suddenly. "Wouldn't that be amazing?"

A lump rose in Kiku's throat that he had to swallow in order to speak normally. "Yes." He looked up at Heracles, at the sparkle in his eyes that always showed up whenever he spoke about something he was passionate about, and realized he would like nothing better than exactly that. "Yes. That would certainly be incredible."

"Maybe we will be cats." Heracles lied back against the pillows and sighed. "It would be nice to be a cat. Cats don't have to worry about anything." He paused, and then looked at Kiku through lowered lashes. "That would be nice, but what if we were born as Heracles and Kiku again? Maybe not with the same names or in the same places, but we were people."

Maybe then, life would be a little fairer to Heracles. Maybe he would get the kind of life he deserved. Maybe he would be a rich man, or at least a healthy one. Maybe he would have a family. Kiku curled his fingers into his hands. "That would really be something." He nearly whispered the words, and even that was a struggle. It felt as if someone had attached weights to his lungs.

"What if we were astronauts?"

Kiku finally looked up. "Astronauts?"

"Yes." Heracles looked out the window, where the sun was low in the sky. "We could be astronauts in another life. Then we could see the planets and the stars, and we would never have to worry about silly things like heart failure ever again."

Kiku noticed that he kept saying 'we' instead of simply 'I'. That coupled with what Heracles was saying made him feel as if he was attempting to breathe underwater. He looked out the window and into the sky as if to look for an escape for the both of them. Being astronauts in another life…being with Heracles in another life…the thoughts seemed silly, childish, yet Kiku found himself wishing he believed them. "I…" His voice quivered around the word. He had to clear his throat again. "I think that would be wonderful."

In reality, that was just about the best thing Kiku could possibly imagine.

.

Sometime in the middle of the first month, Kiku was sitting alone at one of the cafeteria's tables, eating sushi and drinking green tea. It was the kind of thing his previous coworkers would have teased him for. Another nurse he used to work with, Lien, used to joke that Kiku was a walking stereotype. He smiled at the memory, and was only broken out of his reminiscing when he heard the plastic seat on the other side of the table creak. He looked up to see a slight man with glasses perched on his nose. He felt like he had seen him before, but he was not sure where.

"Hello. Are you Kiku?" He spoke softy, to the point that it was hard to hear him in the mostly empty room.

"Yes, I am." Kiku wondered how this stranger knew his name. "I do not mean to sound rude, but who are you?"

The blonde smiled and extended a hand. "Doctor Williams, but you can call me Matthew. I'm a therapist in the psychiatric wing." Kiku must have still looked confused, because he added, "I treat patients in hospice to help with the feelings they might be having about their situation. One of my patients is Heracles Karpusi."

"Oh." There was a little jump in Kiku's chest at the mention of his name, but the feeling was soon replaced with worry. "Is something wrong?"

"No, no," said Matthew. "I just wanted to meet you. Heracles talks about you quite a bit."

The idea that Heracles spoke about him to other people was oddly flattering, but Kiku found it strange that he was being told about it. "I'm sorry, but is that not supposed to be confidential?"

"Usually." Matthew folded his hands together on the tabletop. "But I asked him if it would be okay to mention it when I met you. He said it was just fine. Heracles is a pretty easygoing person when it comes to things like that."

As if Kiku didn't know. "Oh. Alright, then."

"I can't figure him out, really," Matthew said with a small laugh. He smiled again, but it didn't show fully in his eyes. "I actually wanted to ask you, considering you're his nurse and all…is Heracles always so content? When I first started seeing him I thought it was a temporary thing, but I can honestly say I haven't seen him upset once. That's pretty unusual with hospice."

"Well, he…" Kiku paused, wondering if he should try and speak for him. He supposed since Matthew was his physiatrist, it couldn't hurt. "Heracles believes in reincarnation. I believe that may play a part in it."

"I see." Matthew's eyes unfocused like he was contemplating the new information, but he soon met Kiku's gaze again. "Although, I've had plenty of patients that believe in some kind of life after death. That being said, they're usually at least somewhat upset about leaving this one behind," he said. Kiku wondered how or if he was supposed to respond. His statement made perfect sense, and it wasn't as if he understood this any better. Then, Matthew waved his hand dismissively and smiled. "Well, that's not exactly your job to figure out, is it? I suppose I should work a little harder."

Kiku, again, was unsure how to respond. He was fairly certain he was the one that needed to be working harder. "That must be a hard job," he said only to fill the silence.

Thankfully, Matthew changed the subject. "There was actually one more reason I wanted to speak with you," he said. "Yao is your brother, correct?"

"Yes," said Kiku, confused for the second time that conversation. Then he remembered where he had seen Matthew before- Yao had been walking with him the other week, the day he supposedly ran into the psych patient. Kiku realized with a jolt that something might be wrong. "Did something happen with him?"

Matthew lifted a hand. "No. Nothing is wrong with Yao." He paused to scribble a number on a napkin. "I just think there's a patient here he would like to visit. Could you give him this and ask him to call me, please?"

Kiku was still confused as to who Yao could possibly know in a psych ward, but he ignored it and took the number. "Sure, I can do that."

"Thank you." Matthew stood up, but he stayed in place for a few seconds. He looked down at Kiku and smiled slightly. "I'll see you around."

Kiku nodded. "See you later, then."

"Good luck with Heracles, Kiku." With that, Matthew walked away.

Somehow, it felt as if there was something behind those words, like Matthew knew something he didn't. Kiku chose to ignore that, too.

.

It happened naturally, like a slow burning candle. Even though it happened over the course of several weeks, it seemed as though one day Heracles was a patient Kiku was particularly fond of, and the very next he was the best part of his day. Whether it was staying late after a visit to listen to him talk about philosophy or show him photographs he had taken, going to see him during the weekend or even popping in during a short break, he seemed to take any excuse he could to see Heracles. Kiku could barely help it. All he wanted to do was be with Heracles, to talk to him, to listen to whatever new and interesting thing he had to say that managed to change how Kiku saw the world overnight. Even if he said nothing, simply being around him just seemed to make everything a bit brighter.

But of course, things could not be that simple. No matter how well he tried to hide it, it was obvious that Heracles was in pain. When it became just a bit too much and the pain showed on Heracles's face, pain was just about all Kiku could feel, too. When Heracles had a day where the pain was less severe, Kiku found himself having a good day as well- and he doubted it was coincidental. Once he noticed this, he tried just about everything he could think of to keep his feelings at bay, but they won out just about every time regardless. The emotions were so overpowering and new it was actually frightening.

But Kiku did not know true fright until one day at the end of his shift.

The day had started off pretty normal. Kiku had visited his usual patients, gone to his usual meetings and taken his usual breaks. He and Heracles had talked about trivial matters, nothing particularly exciting. It had been simply, a day. After a brief rundown of changes in his other patients with Doctor Beilschmidt, his shift was over. He could have gathered his things and walked out the front door like he usually did, but for some reason that was beyond him, Kiku went out of his way and took the path that required him to walk right past Heracles's room.

Since it was early in the evening, the halls were mostly quiet and empty. Kiku's footsteps almost seemed to echo through it, bouncing off the walls like muffled gunshots. It was bordering on _too _quiet, like the moments in horror movies before the monster pops out from the shadows. Kiku shrugged the ridiculous feeling off and continued walking. It was not until he was directly in front of Heracles's room that the silence was broken.

Kiku had almost continued walking. Almost ignored the small, stifled bursts of noise coming from the other side of the door- but he didn't. Something caused him to stop in his tracks and listen closer. For a long moment, he could not put his finger on the sound. It was an odd mix between a cough and a sigh, with what sounded like a faint hiss thrown in between. After a moment in this strange, silent trance, Kiku realized with a jolt what this sound was and plummeted back to reality.

Gasping.

Kiku threw open the door without even knocking first. The first thing he saw was Heracles, sitting up in bed, hand gripping his chest, eyes wide and panicked. He sounded as if he was trying to breathe through wads of cotton. "Heracles?" said Kiku in a whisper. Heracles turned his head and looked at him, opened his mouth to speak…but no sound escaped save for his rasping gulps for air. This was far different than that one day at the park. The way he was breathing suggested these breaths could very well be his last.

Reality hit. Sudden adrenaline shot across the surface of Kiku's skin as he ran to his bedside. "Heracles," he said again, the word frantic and desperate. Heracles looked up, his stoic demeanor gone and his eyelashes spiked with tears. The moment of calm broke when he looked away and lurched forward, a tremor shooting through his body as he made another desperate attempt at breathing. Kiku finally realized this was not going to stop without assistance. "Hold on."

_Don't panic. _

Kiku told himself the same two words over and over again as he scrambled to get the oxygen equipment kept in the room for this exact kind of situation. Tangled thoughts sped through his mind like pebbles in a windstorm. What if he hadn't come this way? What if, what if…_don't panic. _There was simply no time for this. His hand shook as he pressed the mask against Heracles's face. "Everything is fine." He could not be sure whom the words were for. Kiku sat down, pulled the thin strap to the back of Heracles's head and allowed his hand to linger in his hair. His heart seized in his chest, and for a moment he could not breathe, either. "It's okay. Try to breathe." _Please. _

Slowly but surely, the color returned to Heracles's face. His eyelids lowered as if he were now exhausted rather than panicked. It took a few seconds for the effects of the oxygen to take effect- a few seconds that seemed to stop time. When it did, Heracles glanced quickly at Kiku, and then looked away instantly as if trying to hide the mask. Sympathy hit Kiku like a bullet. "It's okay." He said it in an attempt to console him, but he quickly realized he was only repeating himself. It was almost painful knowing there was absolutely nothing else he could do.

A few minutes passed in terrible silence. Heracles held onto the mask in a way that made it seem as though he was trying to cover it with his hand. His eyes were watery, though he tried to cover them with his hair. Kiku felt horribly useless. Even though there was nothing he could logically do, his entire mind and body screamed that he needed to do _something. _He searched for that thing unsuccessfully until Heracles's breathing faded into something that wasn't alarming.

"Do you feel better?" asked Kiku quietly. Heracles nodded, his eyes fixed downwards and his face slightly red. "I believe we can take this off now." Still with unsteady hands, Kiku reached forward and slipped off the mask. Heracles still would not look at him, still would not say one word. Kiku felt as though he were intruding rather than helping. "Do you want me to leave?"

Silence. His stomach feeling as though it was suddenly filled with rocks, Kiku realized Heracles likely did not want him there. He almost managed to stand up, but Heracles erased the suspicion when he suddenly collapsed against his chest and wrapped his arms around him.

This time, Kiku barely flinched at the unexpected embrace. This vulnerability, this fear…it made Kiku want to hold him forever. It made it feel necessary, as if Heracles would physically fall to pieces if he didn't. He could feel his erratic heartbeat, the heaving of his chest and the warmth of his skin through their clothes. With careful deliberateness, Kiku brought his arms behind his back. They stayed like that for a long while, with only the hum of the abandoned oxygen machine to break up the silence.

"Kiku." His voice came in a rattling whisper that sounded more like a breath. "I'm scared, Kiku." His voice caught on the word, sounding thick with unshed tears.

Heracles had never admitted to any kind of fear prior to this point. Powerful anxiety tore through Kiku's body as he realized he might finally be beginning to break. He opened his mouth, fully planning on launching into a spiel about how it would all be alright and everything was fine, but the words sounded ridiculous in his head. Kiku knew he would be lying. Things would not all right, things weren't fine, and it was not in his power to change that. Instead of saying anything that was sure to be a lie, Kiku just held him.

It was not until then that Kiku realized Heracles was shaking. His grip on Kiku was tight, and his breathing- though steady- still seemed to quiver. "Maybe you should lay down." Kiku did not know what else to say, to do. After a moment's hesitation, Heracles did lie down- but not in the way he expected. Instead of resting against the pillows, he shifted his position, curled his knees almost to his chest and laid his head in Kiku's lap. His eye widened in surprise, but he soon understood: Heracles must have felt more secure this way. Kiku made no attempt to move.

For a moment, there was only silence. Machines hummed on from other rooms, someone walked past the door, but no words were spoken. Heracles cut through the quiet with a simple sentence that felt like much more. "It felt like I was being smothered."

There was no need for further explanation. Kiku could not even begin to imagine how terrible of an experience it must have been- he must have felt like he was drowning above the surface. "I…" _wish I could make this better. _He searched for a response that would make him feel something other than useless, but found nothing. Habit won out. "I'm sorry." _Damn. _Kiku bit the inside of his cheek and spoke again without thinking. "Was it worse this time?" The question was probably too intrusive, and he was sure he knew the answer. Even so, it felt necessary to ask.

Heracles took a deep breath, and Kiku could feel his exhale on his leg. "The worst I've ever had it," he said. "It started about…ten minutes before you got here, I think."

Guilt shot through Kiku in a dull shock, though he knew there was no way he could have known. He fought back the urge to apologize. "It is over now."

"It is," breathed Heracles. There was a long moment of silence, and for a minute Kiku thought he had fallen asleep. Then, he spoke again in a whisper. "Could you pet my hair?"

Kiku blinked. "I beg your pardon?"

"Like a cat," said Heracles. "When mine was sick, I would pet him to make him feel better. I just thought…" He stopped speaking abruptly. Kiku could not see his expression, but he saw that the tips of his ears were now tinted red. "Never mind. That was silly."

"No, it wasn't." Kiku lifted his free hand and let it rest in Heracles's hair. Slowly, he ran his hand through it the way one would with a pet. It felt somewhat odd and just a bit awkward, but he was willing to do just about anything to calm him down, to make him feel even slightly better.

Heracles visibly tensed, but after just a moment, he relaxed again. "Thank you," he said quietly. "Goodnight, Kiku."

"Goodnight, Heracles."

The words were met with silence. Kiku was not sure how long he stayed like that, but by the time he left, the stars had already come out.

* * *

><p><em>To be continued...<em>


	8. Chapter 8

When Kiku walked into the staffroom the next morning, the first thing he noticed was that Feliciano was there, crying.

Since Feliciano wore his emotions on his sleeve, Kiku was more or less used to seeing him cry. He cried when he lost a patient, when a patient took a turn for the worse…he was vaguely sure that on one occasion he had walked into work to find him getting choked up because one of the office plants died. Still, something about this was different. Usually, Feliciano made no attempts to hide his displays of emotion. This time, however, he had his head on the table and was sniffling into his folded arms. He sounded as if he had been like this for a while.

Now beginning to get concerned, Kiku sat down on the other side of the table. "Did something happen, Feliciano?"

Feliciano lifted his head slowly. His eyes were bloodshot, and the dark circles under them suggested he hadn't slept in quite some time. "Oh. Morning, Kiku," he said without smiling, his voice uncharacteristically quiet. He looked away and into his hands. "I just got some bad news."

"I see." Kiku remembered with a jolt that Feliciano had mentioned something about his grandfather not too long ago. Not wanting to be intrusive or assume, he said, "Would you like to talk about it?"

Feliciano managed a small smile, but it was quivering and fell almost immediately. "I would, actually. I was going to tell you anyway, Kiku." He wove his hands together and focused his eyes on his twiddling thumbs. "My Grandpa went to the doctor a few weeks ago even though Lovino and I have been begging him to go for months, and he got his test results back this morning. We knew he wasn't feeling well, but we didn't know…" His voice caught, and he had to pause to take a breath. He looked up and met Kiku's gaze with bleary eyes. "Prostate cancer. Stage four."

Kiku felt a sickening dread seep into his system. "Oh my," he said and shook his head solemnly. "That is awful. I give you my condolences."

"Thanks." Feliciano looked down again and wiped his eyes. "They said…" A strangled sob escaped his throat, and Kiku's stomach dropped to his feet. Feliciano finished in a hoarse whisper. "They said he might make it to Christmas. Maybe."

_Just like Heracles. _Kiku pushed the thought to the very back of his mind and tried to focus on the subject at hand. "I am so sorry, Feliciano." This time, nothing other than an apology felt appropriate. "Is there anything I can do?"

"I don't think so," said Feliciano. He tried to smile again. This time it lasted a little longer. "Thanks for asking. It really means a lot."

Kiku nodded just in time for Ludwig to walk in the room. He must have noticed the heavy tension, because he stopped in his tracks almost immediately after laying eyes on the table. "Is something going on?"

In a split second, Feliciano pushed his chair aside and stood up in one frantic, jerking movement, and ran directly into Ludwig. He embraced him in a wild, messy hug, and then burst into tears once again. "Ludwig…" he said, burying his face in his chest. "My Grandpa…he…" But he could not finish. He was crying too hard.

Ludwig, his arms suspended in the air out of shock, slowly lowered them to his sides. His face twisted in concern before he spoke. "What happened, Feliciano?" Kiku was shocked at the tone of his voice. Usually, he sounded firm and demanding of respect. Now, his voice was soft and gentle.

Kiku got out some unfinished paperwork and attempted to make himself look busy as Feliciano retold the story to Ludwig. When he finished, Ludwig returned the hug and closed his eyes. "I don't know what to say. I am truly sorry." He sighed and then patted Feliciano's back a few times, seemingly to comfort him. "What are you doing at work, Feliciano?"

Feliciano lifted his face from his chest, looking confused. "Huh?"

"You should be home," Ludwig said firmly. "You said you only got this news this morning."

Feliciano nodded slowly. "Yes, but…"

"Feliciano." Kiku saw Ludwig lift Feliciano's chin out of the corner of his eye. "I believe it would be in your best interest to go home, rest, and spend the day with your brother and grandfather. One of the new nurses will take your patients. Mr. Edelstein will understand."

"But…" Feliciano trailed off. "Okay. Thank you."

"Good."

Ludwig dropped his arms, and Feliciano shuffled back to the table to collect his things. "Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow, Kiku." As if he didn't have the energy to say anything else, he picked up his bag and walked out the door without another word to anyone.

Ludwig walked over and sat down with a heavy sigh. "His grandfather raised him and his brother," he said and shook his head. "They were always very close."

"I see," said Kiku. He had no idea how else he was supposed to respond to that. It was quite clear that Feliciano and Ludwig were much closer to each other than they were with him, so he felt as if he were intruding.

Thankfully, Ludwig changed the topic. "But that is neither here nor there." He folded his hands together on the tabletop and resumed a neutral expression. "Have there been any changes with the patients? Any suggestions?"

Memory from the previous night hit, and Kiku felt as if someone had taken the air from his lungs. "Well," he began. He closed his eyes briefly, willed the image of Heracles struggling for breath out of his mind, and tried to sound as professional and impersonal as he probably should have been throughout all of this. "Heracles experienced a significant increase in his dyspnea last night. It has gotten to the point that oxygen is required to get him breathing normally again."

"Is that so?" said Ludwig. He flipped through his papers to find the correct file and scribbled down a note. When he continued, he was still looking down. "I thought he was alright when you checked on him last night."

"He was," said Kiku carefully. "This was later in the evening."

Ludwig glanced up, likely confused, but said nothing about it. "I see," he said. "This could have possibly been a one time thing, but keep an eye on him. If this continues, we may need to give him a cannula to help his breathing. We are still giving him morphine to diminish the discomfort, correct?"

"Yes." The heavy, sinking feeling in Kiku's chest had returned. He looked into his clenched hands and grit his teeth. "It is not possible to die from dyspnea, correct?" The question had been nagging at him since the night prior. The small part of him that still managed to be professional knew that answer, but he felt the need to be reassured.

"I have never seen it happen, but I would not put it beyond the realm of possibility."

Kiku was not entirely certain what kind of answer he had been expecting, but this was not it. "Oh," he said under his breath. "Are there any precautions we should take? That sounds like a very unpleasant way to go."

Ludwig nodded. "Like I said, we will keep an eye on the situation."

The response was unsatisfying, but Kiku said nothing. He checked his watch and realized, as a matter of fact, he was due to see Heracles any minute now. "Well, I suppose I should get going."

"Before you go, allow me to ask a question."

Kiku nodded. "Yes, Dr. Beilschmidt?"

Ludwig looked up and drummed his fingers together. "Did you know Heracles prior to him coming here?"

The question struck Kiku as extremely odd. "No," he said. "I had never met him before. Why do you ask?"

"You two just seem a bit close…" Ludwig trailed off and shook his head. "Never mind. That was a silly question. Go on ahead."

Kiku just stood there a moment before nodding and walking off. Even though it was true that he had only met Heracles recently, it felt as if they had known each other for much longer than that. He felt like a friend Kiku had for years- even if he wasn't, he was the closest friend he ever had.

Who knows, maybe they had met in another life.

.

Ludwig's odd question was erased from Kiku's mind when he got to Heracles's room. To his relief, he saw that he had more or less recovered from the previous night. He was sitting up in bed, flipping through the Aristotle book yet again. Upon seeing that he was breathing normally, the tension Kiku had been feeling left his system in what felt like an internal sigh of relief. "You are feeling better." He meant it to be a question, but it ended up as a statement he said to himself for reassurance.

Surprisingly, Heracles set the book down immediately. "Kiku." He pushed himself into more of an upright position and adjusted his hair. "You are early."

Kiku checked his watch. He was exactly on time. "No…" he said, now slightly perplexed. "I always come at this time."

Heracles met his gaze, but quickly looked away. "Do you? Oh."

Kiku just stared at him for a moment. Why was Heracles acting so strange? He came back to his senses and pushed the thought away. After the night he had just had, of course he would not be completely himself. The room remained silent as Kiku set up his equipment. When he pressed two fingers against Heracles's neck to take his pulse, Heracles flinched under the touch and immediately tensed. Kiku noticed that his heartbeat was quicker than normal, but it seemed as though that had nothing to do with his condition. Kiku frowned. Maybe this was a bit too strange. "Is something wrong?"

There was a long pause. Heracles took a sudden interest in the bed sheets. "Oh, it is nothing serious." He shrugged in an obvious attempt to be dismissive. "I just thought last night would be…the night."

It took a minute to click. Heracles thought he was going to die last night. If that not serious, than what was? Kiku froze, his breath caught in his throat and his heart skipped a beat so abruptly it felt as if his lungs shook. He tried to speak, but forgot how. No, it was too early, they had promised him six months and it had barely been one…

"Breathe, Kiku. I'm okay." It was not until Heracles said it that Kiku remembered to do exactly that. The situation was ironic- Kiku was sure he should be the one telling Heracles it was okay, but it always seemed to be the other way around. Once he got a grip on himself, he was able to focus in on what Heracles was saying. "When you walked in, I thought you were my guardian angel. You saved my life."

"I…" Kiku looked away. He did not feel accomplished or worthy of these statements. He felt the same way he had the night before- useless. "I barely did anything."

He could almost feel Heracles's eyes burning into him. "You did everything."

Statements like that were not helping Kiku to breathe. He could only whisper, so quietly he was not sure if Heracles could even hear him. "Oh."

As if someone had flipped a switch, Heracles began to fidget in a way he never had the energy to do before. He shifted his position a few times as though he could not get comfortable, brushed his hair repeatedly from his eyes and wrung his hands together, all while avoiding eye contact at what seemed like all costs. He took a long breath before speaking quietly. "I promised myself something last night."

Kiku thought nothing of it. He was too busy willing away his strange feelings of inadequacy and focusing on being grateful Heracles was all right. "And what would that be?"

There was a silence long enough to suggest that Heracles had changed his mind about telling him. A bit confused, Kiku turned around and sorted out the pills he needed to give him. Eventually, he allowed his mind to go blank. Some time passed before Heracles finally did speak. "I told myself I would tell you something."

"Okay." Kiku waited, but he did not go on to say what that thing was. Then, he began to get nervous. Heracles was usually so upfront. What on earth could he possibly have to say that caused him to stall? "And what would that be?" Kiku practically held his breath as he waited for an answer. It felt as if he waited for an eternity.

"I wanted to say…" Heracles cleared his throat. "I love you."

Whatever Kiku had expected, this was not it. The words caught him completely off-guard, and he nearly sent a dozen pills flying everywhere until he managed to steady his hands. His face turned scarlet even though the rest of him felt suddenly numbed. He was nearly one hundred percent certain that he had heard that incorrectly, or he had misunderstood, or… "Do you mean as a _friend, _or-"

"No. I'm in love with you, Kiku. In a romantic sense."

Kiku stood perfectly still, his back to Heracles as if to separate himself from the world-changing declaration. He stared blankly at the wall, not thinking, not breathing, still trying and failing to register the words. _I love you._ No one had ever said that to him before. Not in this context, at least. No, this was far too soon; he had almost managed to push these thoughts from his head. Never in a million years did he think this fleeting fantasy would become reality. Now that it had, why did it feel like such a nightmare? He gripped the edges of the cart so tightly the metal dug into his skin. "Oh."

"I'm…sorry." Heracles sounded a mix between guilty and unsure.

"No." The last thing Kiku wanted was an apology. The only thing he wanted was his life to make sense again. He closed his eyes as if to try and erase the world. "How can you feel that way if you barely know me?" It ended up sounding far colder than he intended. The statement had been unthinking and baseless. Kiku instantly regretted it.

"I know you better than I know anyone." The pain in his voice struck so deeply that Kiku could not respond. Of course Heracles sounded hurt. Kiku had just discredited their entire friendship- or whatever their relationship was now. He tried to open his mouth and apologize, tried to say he meant so much to him, but Heracles cut him off with a heavy sigh. "Maybe that was too much," he said. "Are you mad?"

The only person Kiku was mad at was himself. There were a million things he yearned to say, but he could not stop his mind from spinning long enough to vocalize any of them. "No," he said again. 'No' seemed to be the last word left in his vocabulary.

There was a pause, and Kiku could only hear the heartbeat in this ears. "Then why won't you look at me?"

With shaking hands, Kiku dropped the last of his pills into a paper cup. When he finished, he spun around in a frantic twist. "Here," he took a step forward; eyes focused on the floor, and held out the medication. "Is there anything else you need?"

Heracles took the cup hesitantly. Kiku did not look up- he could not stand to see the crestfallen expression he knew he had. "Well, no, but…"

"I have to go see my next patient." It was a lie, but Kiku needed to get out of that room. He felt as if he were suffocating under the pressure of the dozens of emotions spilling into him. "I-I'm sorry, I-"

Heracles lifted his hand to touch Kiku's arm. The touch might as well have been a burn. "Kiku, I didn't mean to upset you."

He knew he hadn't meant to do that. He also knew that it was not Heracles that upset him; it was the situation. This was so, so bad. Kiku had never been very good at figuring out his own emotions, and now that he was faced with the strongest he ever had, he had almost no time to do anything about them. He was powerless to them- something that had never happened to him before. Some part of him had known what was happening, but a much larger part of him had denied it completely. He had never guessed it would all come back to bite him. "I…" Kiku pulled his arm away. "I have to go."

Kiku allowed no time for Heracles to respond, or for himself to change his mind and say something he knew he shouldn't. He gathered his things as quickly as he could and left without another word. When he shut the door, he learned against it, closed his eyes and tried to leave his own body. He was so unbelievably sick of feeling. Now, all he wanted was to turn his emotions off.

But he couldn't.

.

Getting through the rest of the day felt like moving through wet sand. Kiku must have taken care of his patients properly since none of them snapped at him, but he barely remembered going through the motions. His mind was a million miles away, stubbornly focused on those three little words that managed to make everything about a million times more complicated.

_I love you. _

Kiku closed his eyes briefly when he came to a stoplight. His pulse was quick and his hands were unsteady as he drove, which was probably less than safe, but he had no choice. He had no way to calm it down, either, since he was on his way to see Heracles again. How was he supposed to face him after the way he reacted? It was not as if he could somehow avoid him forever- and it was not as if he wanted to, either. He was going to need to find a way to make things right, or at the very least, get things back to being somewhat normal.

But he knew things could never be quite normal again.

With Feliciano taking the day off, the staffroom was so silent it was unnerving. Kiku was grateful for it. He sat down with a dramatic sigh, and for a long while only stared into space. After God knows how long, Ludwig walked in and broke Kiku out of his trance. "Evening, Kiku."

"Oh." Kiku looked up and blinked a few times to refocus his eyes. "Evening."

Ludwig looked dubious. "Are you alright? _Mein Gott, _it seems our entire staff is preoccupied today."

"I am fine," said Kiku quickly. The absolute last thing he needed that day was to lose his respect. "Is there anything you need?"

"I was going to ask how Heracles was doing. Were there any incidents this morning?" asked Ludwig as he sat down.

_Heracles. _The simple name rang in Kiku's ear like a gunshot. Just like that, all the emotions he had felt that morning came flooding back into him so intensely it felt as if he was drowning. "No," he said. As if the very thought of Heracles had triggered it, an absolutely mad, ridiculous thought entered Kiku's mind before he could control it. It was so inane he felt silly for even entertaining it, but at the same time, the idea gave him a much-needed flash of hope. He knew the hope was false, but the temporary relief was enough to keep him clinging to it. Before he could change his mind, he said, "I would actually like to ask you a question, Dr. Beilschmidt."

Ludwig nodded. "Alright."

"I was wondering if there was any chance…" Kiku hesitated. If he had not lost respect already, he was sure he would the moment he vocalized the most unprofessional, dimwitted idea of his life. Still, he absolutely needed to know if his newfound hope was at all founded, no matter how small the chance. He closed his eyes, took a breath, and finished in a small voice. "Is there any chance at all that Heracles will recover?"

Ludwig met his gaze and raised an eyebrow. Kiku turned red and looked away. Stupid, stupid, stupid… "Kiku." He pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "I believe you know the answer to that. Heracles is in end-stage, untreatable heart failure. Recovery would be nothing short of a complete miracle. Even if there was something we could do, which there is not, he signed a DNR."

Of course. Why try to find hope when there was none? Kiku balled his hands into fists and tried to swallow the lump in his throat. "I know, I am sorry, it was a silly question."

Ludwig did not move him firm line of sight from Kiku. It was as if he were trying to study him. After a few moments, he said, "You have extensive knowledge of the field. I believe there is a reason you would ask such a question."

Kiku's embarrassment switched to confusion. "What do you mean?"

"Well…" Ludwig drummed his fingers together and lowered his gaze to the tabletop. "You spend an awful lot of time with him, even if you are not working, and you have seemed to take a special interest in the details his of case. I'm not wrong to say this is unusual, am I?"

"No," said Kiku. He felt like a grade-schooler being scolded.

"What I'm about to ask may seem intrusive or strange, Kiku, but I find the question to be necessary." Ludwig rested his elbows on the table and looked straight at him. He did not seem angry or irritated. If anything, he looked concerned. His next words seemed to come in slow motion. "Do you love him?"

The question was so sudden, yet it was so painfully relevant. Really, what were the odds? Kiku looked up, mouth agape, and tried to think of an answer. Did he even have an answer? He gripped the edges of the table, feeling as if he would fall if he didn't. "I…" Something clicked, and the truth he had been trying to run from all day finally caught up to him. _Yes. _Yes, he did love Heracles, no matter how hard he had tried not to. He had fallen in love with a patient, a terminally ill patient, and there was nothing he could do about it. Once realization hit, he could only revert back to habit. "I am so sorry."

Ludwig nodded slowly. "I thought so."

Numbness turned to panic, and Kiku spoke in a hysterical jumble. "It was not something I planned to do, I know it is unprofessional, I-"

Ludwig lifted a hand to stop him. "I did not ask because I'm upset about it, Kiku. I am not trying to judge you," he said. Kiku felt a bit of his panic diminish, and he reeled back. "If anything, I feel sympathy for you. This is not something you could have prevented." Kiku nodded reluctantly. He sure tried to eradicate these feelings, but it did not work. At all. "I wish the circumstances were different, but they aren't. That is something you will need to accept."

Kiku looked into his lap and nodded again. "I know." The words ended up sounding unsteady and far away.

"Would you like someone else to handle his case?"

The panic that Kiku had managed to rid himself of came slamming back into him like a train. No, they could not take Heracles away from him. He only had so much time left with him, he could not let if slip through his fingers… "I would like to keep treating him." Kiku attempted to sound calm, collected, but ruined the façade when he quietly added, "Please."

Ludwig nodded. "Very well," he said. "I suppose you should go to him now."

Kiku stood up immediately. He knew exactly what he had to do. "Yes, sir."

"Be careful, Kiku." There seemed to be a lot a meaning behind Ludwig's words.

Kiku nodded, though he knew that ship had already sailed. If he had been careful, none of this would have happened to begin with. He would not be experiencing these emotions, wonderful and terrifying, heart breaking and life changing. He would not be seeing the world in an entirely different light. But it had already happened, and there was no going back. Really, he would not choose to go back even if he could.

.

Kiku could not tell if Heracles was sleeping or not. His back was to the door and he did nothing to acknowledge Kiku's entrance, but the tiny movements he was making suggested he was awake. Kiku froze in place. What if he had destroyed everything with his cowardly, heartless response? Heracles had put his heart on the line only to be abandoned right after. He stood there for what felt to be an entire lifetime, void of any color or feeling. He allowed himself to stay in this trance for a moment longer before forcing himself out of it. There was no sense in doing nothing when he could very well be doing something, anything. "Heracles, are you awake?" It took a great effort to keep his voice from shaking.

Silence. Kiku almost thought he was being ignored until Heracles broke it. "Yes." He did not turn around, did not say anything else.

"Oh." When Kiku took a step into the room, it felt as if he was walking a tightrope. He wondered how long Heracles had been in that exact position. He looked so…broken. Kiku felt a cold fear rise in his throat as he tried to find the right words to say. "Heracles, about this morning, I-"

Finally, Heracles turned around. However, he did not look at Kiku. "You do not need to say anything," he said. "It's alright."

The dejection in his voice suggested it was anything but. "No." Kiku walked forward, his footsteps sounding thunderous in the silence. Once he reached his bedside, he tried desperately to organize his cluttered mind into something that made sense. He needed to say what he truly felt, but that had always been so difficult. Why did it have to be so difficult? "Heracles…"

"Kiku, it's okay. Really." Heracles sounded breathless and far away. During the silence that followed, Kiku tried again to collect his thoughts only to fail for a second time. Heracles ended up speaking before he could. "Besides…" He took a long, shuddering breath. "I am not sure I want you to love me."

Disbelief replaced all other emotions. The words felt like daggers. "What?" Kiku stared at him, feeling equally confused and guilty. Heracles barely moved. "I do not understand." What did he understand these days?

Finally, after what felt like a year without seeing his eyes, Heracles looked up. "Look at me, Kiku."

Even if he looked completely exhausted, even if the severity of his condition was evident on his face, all Kiku could see was the most beautiful and vibrant person he had ever met. It actually took his breath away. Because of this, he was no closer to understanding. "What do you mean?"

Heracles looked genuinely confused if not irritated. "Kiku." He sat up with a newfound energy and took both of Kiku's wrists in a firm grasp. "Look at you. You are healthy. You have decades left to live." Heracles maintained eye contact the entire time, but once he finished, he dropped it like an active grenade. His voice flipped from nearly a shout to barely a whisper in second. "Now look at me." He dropped his wrists, looked down at himself and the fire in his eyes died. "How selfish would it be to want you to love me?"

Kiku realized what he meant in a jolt. His heart turned cold and dropped to his feet. Was this really how Heracles saw himself? Like a pot of water finally boiling over, something inside of him snapped. "That is ridiculous."

Heracles was already lying back down. "No, it isn't."

Kiku could not stand to hear another word of this. It went against everything that was right in the world. He gave up on organizing his thoughts and spoke out of instinct alone. "No, that is ridiculous, because I do have feelings for you!" He nearly shouted it, and then stopped speaking the moment he realized he did. He turned white, then red, and his burst of confidence died twice as quickly as it appeared. "I-I mean, forgive me, that was out of line, I-"

"Kiku." The fire in Heracles's eyes was back, but it was not out of anger or sadness. His entire body seemed to become lighter, and he sat up again. "You do?"

The world stood still, yet everything was suddenly simple. Kiku had never been this sure of anything in his life. Thoroughly flustered and without words, he looked at the floor and nodded.

Heracles's next words came as a shock. "I'm sorry."

Never in his life had Kiku heard something more ludicrous. "What?"

"I wish I had longer to spend with you," he said. Kiku felt as if his entire body shut down at once. "But we'll have time," Heracles took Kiku's hand and pressed a quick, chaste kiss to his knuckles. "In another life."

* * *

><p><em>To be continued...<em>


	9. Chapter 9

"Really?"

"Yes."

"You must be kidding."

"Heracles, I have told you I am not kidding three times. I would not make the same joke so many times in a row."

"I just…wow." Heracles said it in a breath. "Thank you, Kiku. You have no idea how much this means to me."

Kiku was fairly certain he at least had an idea. He had to pull a few strings, but he had managed to arrange to take Heracles to his old cat shelter. When he told him what was going to happen, Heracles took on the expression of a child being told about Santa for the first time. He was so awestruck that Kiku had to repeat himself again and again just to make him believe it. If anything, it was a welcome distraction from the lingering uncertainty that had carried over from the previous night.

Now that both of their feelings were out in the open, they seemed to linger over them like a fog no one dared to mention. Certain shyness was apparent when Kiku went through the usual routine. Eye contact was sparse and always immediately followed by a blush, conversation came less easily as if they were both skirting around the obvious, and physical contact did not go beyond what was completely necessary. It was clear that neither of them knew what was supposed to happen next- either that, or they were trying to forget anything had happened at all. It was one of the days Kiku had a few hours between patients free, and taking Heracles to a place he loved was the distraction both of them needed.

"There is a car for us outside," said Kiku. "Do you think you can walk, or-"

"I am not disabled, Kiku. I'm sure I can." For the first time since they met, Heracles sounded slightly irritated.

Kiku felt instantly guilty. He had such an urge to keep Heracles comfortable and safe, yet he occasionally went too far with it and ended up making it sound as if he were helpless. He bowed his head and looked away. "I'm so- I mean…"

"No, it's okay." Heracles let out a long breath. "But I'm sure I will be fine."

Doubt stubbornly clung to Kiku's thoughts, but he ignored it. Yes, it would be fine. It had to be fine. "I suppose we should get going now."

"Can you hold my hand?"

This, Kiku had not expected. Surely it would not reflect well on his reputation to act that way towards a patient in this setting, surely he would get looks. "Um…"

"For steadiness." Heracles added quickly. "You were so worried about my ability to walk."

Kiku supposed that made sense. He pushed away any thoughts that told him it didn't. "For steadiness," he repeated, more to convince himself it was necessary more than anything else. He extended his hand, and Heracles took it immediately.

.

It was not until they reached the car that Heracles let go of Kiku's hand. Due to the hospital's size, the walk had been a long one. Even if that was true, Kiku was fairly certain that Heracles should not have been as winded as he was. Though he was not struggling for air like he was that horrible night a few days ago, he was breathing as if he had recently run a marathon. The moment he noticed Kiku looking at him, he turned to him and a ghost of a smile traced his lips. "See? I am fine."

The strain in his voice spoke far louder than what he said. Concerned but not wanting to insult him again, Kiku simply nodded and started the car. Though his thoughts were elsewhere, he decided to at least try and make conversation after some time had passed. "How long did you work at this place?"

"Three years," said Heracles. "I worked there when I was going to school. Then I got too weak. I had to quit when I dropped out."

How he always spoke so indifferently about these things, Kiku still could not figure out. "You would have been an excellent vet." He regretted the words almost before he said them. _Would have been…_There was that god awful past tense. He tightened his grip on the steering wheel to the point that his knuckles turned white, only hoping that Heracles was not overthinking this as much as he was.

Thankfully, it appeared that he wasn't. "Thank you." He leaned into the seat and focused his attention on the trees whizzing by the window. "Kiku, did you always want to be a nurse?"

No one had ever asked him that before. Kiku was only partially sure of his answer. "Yes and no," he said finally. "I always wanted to help people, but I was not always completely set on nursing. Life eventually led me to choose it."

Heracles did not move his line of sight from the window. "I think you would have done that even if you were not a nurse."

"Well, I am sure other careers have similar benefits."

"No," said Heracles quickly. "You could have done it doing absolutely nothing."

Now Kiku was truly confused. How could he possibly be worth anything if he did not work? The idea went against just about everything he had ever thought to be true. "What do you mean?"

"Anyone could have given me medication everyday," he said. "But not many people could have given me a reason to take it."

Kiku did not have the heart to say, or even think, that the medication Heracles was taking did absolutely nothing besides keep his pain at a fairly manageable level. Even if he was coldhearted enough to let such a thing enter his mind, he was far too occupied with the meaning behind the words to pay attention to it. How did Heracles always come up with these things that struck so deep, hurt so intensely, yet sounded about as flippant as one would talk about the weather? It was like something about of poetry. "I am sure there are other reasons why you would." Kiku attempted to sound casual, but failed.

"I suppose…" Heracles's voice dropped off before he even finished the word.

Kiku's stomach dropped in a similar way, but there was no time to dwell on it. Upon reaching the address he was given, he parked the car and turned it off. "We are here."

Just like that, the melancholic overtone was gone. Heracles took in his surroundings, smiled, and unbuckled his seatbelt. Kiku did the same and exited the car, but froze in place when he noticed something rather troubling. The shelter was located in an area similar to a strip mall, and all the buildings were on a raised platform. One could easily step over it, but… "Heracles, there is no wheelchair ramp."

"Oh. I never noticed." Heracles leaned against the car, glanced at the trunk that held the wheelchair, and shrugged. Of course he would not have noticed before. There would be no reason for him to. Kiku, again, felt instantly guilty. For a moment he thought he had ruined everything, but Heracles spoke as nonchalantly as ever. "That's alright. I can just walk."

Kiku glanced up the walkway and felt his stomach twist in worry. It was not far away, but he had little to no idea about when or if Heracles could sit down once inside. Not only that, but it was the middle of the summer. The heat and humidity could only serve to worsen the situation…Kiku swallowed the cold anxiety clawing at this throat. Overthinking this would do neither of them any good. "Are you sure?"

"Yes," said Heracles. He stood upright, casually extended his arm, and Kiku took his hand without thinking- for steadiness, of course.

.

The shelter was just about the exact thing Kiku had feared- cramped, slightly humid, and without chairs. However, Heracles did not seem to mind one bit. He was far too occupied with greeting each and every cat like they were close personal friends. For the first time in what seemed like forever, Heracles was acting like a normal twenty-seven year old… as normal as he would have been, anyways.

They had not been in the building for a minute before a girl appeared from around the corner. Her hair was cut to her shoulders and fastened with a bow, and her frame was that of a child. She entered the room with her hands behind her back and gaze locked on the floor, but the moment she laid eyes on Heracles, her mouth snapped into a wild smile and she ran directly into him. "Heracles! Oh, we've all missed you so much!" she said. "I would have visited sooner, but we've been so busy."

"That's alright, Lili." Heracles patted her shoulder and took a step back. "I see things haven't changed much."

"No, they really haven't." Lili turned her attention to Kiku. "I'm sorry, but who are you?"

"I am Heracles's…" Kiku paused. 'Nurse' felt too impersonal, and since the previous night, 'friend' felt far too disposable. He finally settled on dropping the statement completely. "My name is Kiku."

Lili's eyes brightened in understanding. "Oh! I think I spoke with you on the phone." She glanced quickly at Heracles, and instantly broke into a silly smile that seemed to be uncontrollable. "Should I get that…thing you asked for?" Her voice jumped around the words as if she was fighting back the urge to dissolve into giggles.

Kiku struggled not to smile himself. "Yes, I suppose you should. Thank you."

Lili disappeared into the back room, and Heracles looked at Kiku through narrowed eyes. "I have a feeling I am missing something, here."

"You will see. Hold on for one moment."

Not a full minute passed before Lili remerged, now holding a white cat. Just like that, something visibly clicked in Heracles's mind. His eyes widened, his mouth formed an inaudible 'oh,' and he let out a shallow breath that was almost a gasp. "That is…my cat." He extended his arms slowly, shaking slightly as if he was still registering what was happening. Lili placed the cat in his arms, and Heracles brought it to his chest. The cat meowed, then nuzzled into the front of his shirt. Kiku was fairly sure Heracles had not so much as blinked. "I can't believe it. I was sure I would never see him again."

Kiku was sure he had never heard something more heartbreaking. After he recovered from the feeling, he could only watch in careful astonishment. Heracles's eyes had gone misty, but he closed them when he rested his chin against the cat's head. To an onlooker, his reaction may have seemed a bit over the top. To Kiku, it did not seem that way. Heracles might as well have been holding a piece of his soul. "What is his name?" he asked finally.

Heracles opened his eyes and stared at the wall in front of him. "His name is…" He paused, looked down at the cat, and then looked up again. "…Larry." He said the name slowly, as if he was not sure about it.

Kiku came to a rather strange conclusion. "Did you just make that up?" He could not fathom such a thing, but with Heracles, nothing seemed to be too bizarre. "You never gave your cat a name?"

Heracles shrugged and went back to petting 'Larry's' head. "He was always just my cat," he said. Larry squirmed in his arms until he was able to hoist himself onto Heracles's shoulder. "Lili, what can I do while I'm here?"

Lili tilted her head to the side. "What do you mean?"

"Do you want me to clean the cages, or feed them, or-"

"I don't expect you to work, Heracles!" said Lili. "You only came to visit."

Kiku felt it necessary to cut in. "It would not be advisable that you exert yourself." He said it as calmly as he could manage, but in reality, he could only just barely stifle his rapidly growing concern. Heracles had only been standing for about ten minutes, and he was already beginning to sway on his feet.

Despite it all, Heracles looked determined. "I haven't worked in so long. I would like to at least help out."

Lili looked uncertain, but she managed a small smile. "We had a couple new cats come in today. You could get them washed up."

"I will help," said Kiku. He felt a small twinge of relief. Bathing the cats seemed safe. Heracles would not have to stand, and with any luck, the work would not be strenuous. The last of his doubt faded when Heracles looked to the side and smiled.

"Well, I have to go pick up some more cat food. I'll be back!" said Lili. She turned on her heel and practically skipped out the door.

When the door creaked shut, Heracles took Kiku's hand and squeezed it once. "Thank you."

Nothing more needed to be said. As vague as the statement was, Kiku understood perfectly.

.

Kiku learned one thing very quickly: Cats truly do not like water. After just twenty minutes of helping Heracles bathe them, the front of his shirt was thoroughly soaked and he had at least half a dozen shallow scratches decorating his forearms. He had always been fond of cats, sure, but he did not seem to possess much of a talent with them. Heracles was a different story. No matter how much Kiku struggled to get a particular feline to cooperate, the minute it was handed to Heracles they always seemed to calm down immediately. Watching the way his eyes lit up when they did so was enough to make getting soaked and scratched well worth it.

"I would imagine this was a very challenging job," said Kiku as he tried to prevent a disgruntled tabby from escaping the tub.

"Sometimes, but I still loved it." Heracles took the cat from Kiku and, as per usual, it stopped struggling almost completely and went from hissing to purring when he messaged soap into its fur. He smiled down at the little creature, but the grin wavered just as quickly as it appeared. "I miss it."

Of course he would miss it. Kiku starred blankly into the water and took a sudden interest in the bubbles floating across the surface. No matter how comfortable he was beginning to get with Heracles, he always managed to find that one thing that left him without words. Heracles broke the silence before Kiku could. "That's alright. If I stayed here, I would have never met you."

The words hit like an electric shock. Kiku looked up, half startled, half plain confused. "Surely that does not compensate for-"

"It does."

There was nothing more to be said. Kiku pulled the drain when the last of the new cats had been given their bath, and Heracles began to towel off the one he just finished washing. Once he finished and the cat scampered off, he turned his attention back to Kiku. "You're soaked."

"Well, yes, those cats were rather-" Kiku stopped talking abruptly when Heracles draped a towel around his shoulders, but did not let go. He met his gaze, and Kiku's breath caught in his throat when Heracles gently tugged the ends of the fabric, pulled him closer…

The sound of a door opening caused Heracles to drop the towel. Kiku blushed and tried to dry the front of his scrubs with shaking hands. Really, what had he thought would happen? Ridiculous. Lili walked in not a second later, clearly struggling to carry what was possibly the largest bag of cat food Kiku had ever seen in his life. It was practically bigger than her. Heracles stood up. "Lili, you are too small for this. Let me get that."

Kiku spoke instinctually. "I can do it."

"No, it's fine." Heracles took the bag from her arms, draped it across his forearms, and carried it to the back room. Kiku watched as he dropped it with a loud thud, and had to take second before he stood up straight. When he returned to the door, he looked a shade paler. "How many are there?"

"Three," said Lili. "Really, I can do it. I managed to get them to the door."

"No," Heracles said, and then walked past her.

Alarms went off in Kiku's head. "You should not be doing heavy lifting." The words ended up being too quiet to be heard. He knew Heracles should not be doing this. He knew that realistically, he simply did not have the ability to do this. But he looked so determined, so dead set on doing his old job the way he used to do it, that Kiku did not protest further when Heracles lifted the second bag.

By the time he dropped the second bag on top of the first one, Heracles's breathing was quick and shallow. It seemed like he spent an eternity bent forward, hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath but also desperately trying to hide it. When he finally did straighten his back and walk back outside, his steps were staggered. "One more…"

The first two times Heracles attempted to pick up the third bag, he failed. He would get a grip on it, try to lift it up, and then drop it with a strangled breath. Lili glanced quickly at Kiku, her face pinched in silent worry, and Kiku could only look back at her with a similar expression. "Heracles, please allow me to help," Kiku said finally.

"I got it." Heracles's voice held an edge of irritation, but it was muddled by the rasping way he said it. Finally, he was able to lift the bag. He exhaled like he had been holding his breath, took a step forward and nearly tripped. Kiku opened his mouth to speak, to tell him he needed to stop the way he knew he should, but no sound escaped his lips. He could only watch in silent terror as Heracles walked to the back room like he was about a hundred feet underwater.

When he heard the third bag drop to the floor followed by a loud groan, Kiku rushed to his side. Heracles was bent over again, his breath quick, his hands and arms shaking like leaves, his face white and overcome with pain. He brought a trembling hand to his chest and coughed, closing his eyes as if it hurt. Panic that felt like a dozen butterflies took hold of Kiku's stomach. "Heracles, you should sit down." He spoke as firmly as he should have about five minutes ago.

"I'm _fine." _Heracles came as close to shouting as he was physically able. As if to prove his point, he jerked upward in one frantic movement. "I told you, I am…" But he could not finish. His eyes grew wide, then rolled back, and his face suddenly lost all of its emotion. He swayed in his stance for one heart-stopping, bone-chilling second…and then he lost his footing completely.

Kiku acted long before he registered what was going on. He barely heard Lili screaming, barely felt Heracles's weight falling against him. He tried to catch him, but the size difference between the two proved to be too much for Kiku to support. All he could manage to do was throw his arms around his waist and sink down to the floor with him. It was not until the burst of activity ceased that Kiku understood what had just occurred and a sickening panic hit like a fist.

Despite the nausea tearing into him, Kiku managed to keep his voice steady when he finally started to do his job. "Lili, please do not panic. This happens." He knew the way he was feeling made the words hypocritical, but she did not need to know that. Lili looked less than comforted. She stood frozen, mouth open, eyes wide and unblinking. Kiku looked down at Heracles's unconscious form and quickly looked away. "Please open the windows and get some water."

Lili hesitated momentarily before nodding and rushing out of the room. Kiku laid Heracles's head in his lap and lifted an unsteady hand to take his pulse. While slightly faster than it ought to be, the pace was not alarming. However, this did not provide any relief. Kiku felt nothing but guilt. He should not have allowed Heracles to carry those enormous bags, he should not have made him walk around so long, he probably should not have brought him here in the first place. But being here was all he wanted, this place used to be his livelihood. Kiku found himself torn between his emotions and whatever logic he had left.

"Can you hear me?" No response. Kiku should have expected as much. He brushed a strand of sweat-matted hair out of Heracles's eyes, allowing his hand to rest on his temple. Almost a full minute passed before he spoke again. "I am so sorry, Heracles."

Kiku went silent and nearly choked on his own breath when he caught sight of green eyes looking up at him. "Too much apologizing." His voice was still small, but the fact that Heracles was awake was a massive relief on its own.

"Do you feel okay?" Kiku was not sure if that was possible.

Heracles blinked slowly, and his eyes visibly unfocused. "I'm not dead, am I?"

"No," said Kiku immediately. "No, Heracles. You are very alive."

"Then I am okay." Heracles glanced around the room and arched an eyebrow. "I'm not entirely sure how I ended up on the floor, though."

Kiku's mind went numb. He wondered rather it would be better to skirt around the truth and spare Heracles's ego, or simply be upfront with him. He had seemed so upset when he was struggling. Kiku hardly wanted to recreate the feeling. "You…" Speaking suddenly felt difficult, too difficult. "You overexerted yourself." It was not a lie, even if it did omit the details. It would do.

But Heracles grimaced and looked away. "Oh. I remember. The bags." He almost attempted to sit up, but Kiku pressed his hands against his shoulders, silently asking him not to. Heracles must have understood, because he stayed put. "Two years ago I could lift those things without a problem." For what was possibly the first time, he actually did sound dejected.

"Yes, well…" Kiku trailed off, not entirely sure where he was going with that statement to begin with. He wanted to fix this, to do something to change the situation. That was all he wanted, yet it was just about the only thing he could not do for him. "Things change," he finished quietly.

Heracles stared back at him through tired eyes. There were dark circles under them and he could barely keep them open, but to Kiku, they still seemed to hold a certain sparkle. "I really cannot do anything anymore, can I?"

Kiku could barely breathe. Something had clicked. Heracles was finally beginning to understand. What was even worse was Kiku was not sure he wanted him to. Though his throat felt rough and dry, he forced himself to speak. "You can do plenty."

Heracles made another attempt to sit up. This time, Kiku let him. He grasped his hand and helped him upwards, making sure Heracles was leaning steadily against the wall before he let go. Larry leaped into his lap, and Heracles looked towards the ceiling and gave a short, humorless laugh. "I can't even sit up without your assistance, Kiku. I'm helpless."

This was getting to be too much. Hearing Heracles speak this way about himself, looking as pained as he did- it was simply, undeniably wrong. "Stop it." Kiku could not stand this. "Do not speak about yourself this way."

"Kiku, I'm only saying what is true."

"No!" Kiku was surprised when he heard himself raise his voice. It suddenly felt as if his brain switched off, and he went entirely off his emotions. "You are not helpless. You are intelligent; you are kind, and you important to many people. It does not matter that you cannot lift a stupid bag anymore." He paused, looked away, and finished in a whisper. "You are wonderful." Kiku had never meant something more sincerely.

The discontent on Heracles's face faded into slight surprise. "You really believe that."

Though Kiku was well aware of the flush on his cheeks, he forced himself to maintain a straight face. "Yes. I do."

His stoic expression finally faltered when he felt Heracles brush his cheek with his hand. Kiku stopped breathing, eyes wide, and he suddenly forgot everything that had just occurred. "I may not be able to do a lot," whispered Heracles, "but one thing I can do while I'm still here is love you."

There was no need for words anymore. Heracles leaned forward and kissed him. For a split second, Kiku did not know what to do. The first thing he felt was an overpowering mix of excitement, shock, slight embarrassment, and to some extent, fear. But the tsunami of emotion passed in an instant, and everything suddenly felt natural. Kiku allowed his body to relax, and he kissed him back. Yes, this was unbelievably unprofessional. Yes, it was bound to lead to nothing but pain. But Kiku knew, somewhere in the bottom of his heart, that it was worth it. Besides, right then, the future did not matter. All that mattered was this moment, what they had now, regardless of how long it would last.

What was probably the best moment of Kiku's life ended when Heracles pulled away and smiled. As if someone had timed it, Lili entered the room not thirty seconds later holding a glass of water. "I'm sorry! That took way too long. The window got stuck, and then I couldn't find a glass…" She trailed off when she saw that Heracles was conscious and sitting up. She handed him the glass and smiled, her entire demeanor relaxing in an instant. "Oh, never mind. I'm glad you're okay, Heracles. That was scary."

Kiku was too busy recovering to say anything. Thankfully, Heracles spoke so he didn't have to. "Everything is okay now. Kiku made sure I was alright."

Lili looked at Kiku and tilted her head. "Is _he_ alright, though? I know it's warm in here, but I don't think his face should be that red."

Heracles only nodded, somehow able to keep a poker face, and Kiku remained silent. He was thoroughly flustered, but he knew that he had never been quite this all right in all his life. Even if there was a storm brewing right over the horizon, he was more than happy to enjoy the sunshine while he could.

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><p><em>To be continued...<em>


	10. Chapter 10

On a sunny, warm day near the end of the summer, Kiku was glad that he had plans to see Yao. With both of them having been terribly busy with work, they had barely any time to so much as speak, much less see each other. The one time Kiku had managed to get his brother on the phone, he had sounded different somehow. Distracted. He ultimately shrugged it off, but he was glad to finally get an evening with him. That, and Kiku would finally get to keep his promise to Heracles.

After some gentle prodding and a detailed set of directions that would get Yao directly to the right wing, he had agreed to meet Kiku by the front desk again. Kiku had left out the reason why he wanted him to do just that. He still wasn't completely sure what he was going to tell him. All he knew was the whole thing inexplicably made him nervous. He knew Yao would likely like Heracles, it was pretty difficult not to, and it was not as if they would even spend much time together. These reasoning did nothing to prevent Kiku's stomach from twisting into fluttering knots.

For one moment of insanity Kiku almost wished Yao would get lost again so he had a few extra minutes to collect himself. This misplaced hope was squashed when he saw Yao appear around the corner. The first thing Kiku noticed was the pale scarf he was wearing. Funny, he had never seen him with that before. It was practically bigger than him. On top of that, it was still summer. Kiku shrugged it off. "Evening," he said when Yao approached him. "Did you have any trouble this time?"

Yao shook his head. "No. Thankfully, your instructions were enough to get me here," he said. "Our reservation is in forty-five minutes, should we get going?"

"Well, actually…" Kiku rubbed the back of his neck. This really should not make his as nervous as it was. He decided he might as well just say it, like ripping off a Band-Aid. "If we could stick around for a few minutes, I would like you to meet one of my patients."

Yao squinted in response. "Why?" A moment after he said it, the confusion on his face faded into a neutral expression. "Wait, is this the same patient you mentioned awhile back?"

Kiku was surprised that he remembered. "Yes. Heracles."

"Ah." Yao shoved his hands in his pockets. For a moment after, neither of them said a thing. The silence suggested Yao was waiting for an explanation and Kiku was failing to provide it. "Is there any reason why?"

"He…wants to meet you." Kiku realized very quickly how strange this must have sounded. He felt like a teenager about to introduce their prom date to their parents…if only things could be that innocent and simple. "It will only take a minute."

"Alright." Yao sounded casual enough, but the faint stich of confusion in his eyes suggested he thought the situation was just as strange as Kiku feared it sounded. There was another gap in conversation, and Yao finally nodded. "Let's go, then."

Kiku snapped out of his racing thoughts. "Right." He turned on his heel and walked in the direction of Heracles's room just like he had so many times before. However, he had not felt this nervous about it since his first day doing it. When he knocked on the door, he noticed his hand was shaking. At least Kiku had thought to mention this to Heracles earlier that day. "Heracles?"

The response was immediate. "Kiku? Did you bring Yao?"

Kiku glanced quickly at Yao, who had maintained a flat expression. "Yes."

Heracles did not respond immediately. Why was he not saying anything… "Well, aren't you going to come in?" …Probably because he expected him to open the door. Kiku was certain this could not possibly get any more awkward.

Surprisingly, Heracles opened the door before Kiku could. He had to look down to meet Yao's gaze. "Hello." He extended a hand and smiled faintly. "I have wanted to meet you for awhile, Yao."

"Is that so?" said Yao, attempting to sound polite but obviously taken off-guard. He shook his hand and shot Kiku a look that he pretended not to notice. Maybe he had spoken about Yao with Heracles just a bit too much.

"Yes. He said you are very kind. You two have that in common."

"I…oh." Yao glanced at Kiku again, this time with a raised eyebrow. Kiku felt his face flush in embarrassment. "Well, alright."

And there was that silence again. Heracles broke it when he noticed Yao's Hello Kitty phone charm hanging out of his pocket. "I like your key chain. Do you like cats as well?"

Yao turned red and shoved the offending charm back in his pocket. Being a man in his thirties, he was always slightly embarrassed by his love of cutesy things. He cleared his throat before he spoke. "I do, actually."

"We have something in common, then." Moments after he said it, it became noticeable that Heracles was beginning to sway in his stance. How odd, it usually didn't happen that quickly…

"Heracles, sit down." Kiku forced himself to say it firmly. He could not have repeat of the other day. He couldn't take it.

"You worry too much, Kiku," said Heracles. He sat down on the edge of the bed anyway. "That's okay. It's sweet."

Kiku was fairly certain Yao would hurt his neck if he kept shooting him looks. He took it as a sign to wrap it up. "I suppose we should get going."

"Alright. I am pretty tired." Heracles brushed a strand of hair from his eyes and smiled again. "It was nice meeting you, Yao."

Yao nodded. "Same to you."

Kiku almost thought he had managed to get through his without Yao becoming suspicious, but he was proven wrong when Heracles reached out and squeezed his arm. "Have fun, Kiku."

Kiku nodded and gently pulled his arm back, trying to pretend he didn't notice the wary side-glance Yao was throwing his way. "Thank you," he said. "Well, see you tomorrow."

Yao blinked away his suspicion and smiled politely. He walked out of the room with Kiku, his expression making it evident that he had something to say, but he said nothing. When they passed Matthew, Kiku swore he and Yao held eye contact just a second too long. On the way to the restaurant, he seemed vaguely distracted.

.

It was not until they were halfway through their meals that Yao said anything that held weight. "Kiku, I know something is going on."

_He knows. _Kiku set down his glass and focused his eyes on the table. "What are you referring to?" Right then, he could think of nothing to do besides play dumb.

Yao clenched his jaw and folded his arms across his chest. "That patient, Kiku. The way he looks at you. The fact that he wanted to meet your brother." He did not exactly sound accusatory, just an odd cross between concerned and knowing.

"He is my friend." Kiku felt a sudden sense of déjà-vu. On top of that, he instantly felt as if he was lying. It was, to some extent, a lie by omission.

"I can see that. All I'm saying is…" Yao paused, shrugged, and dropped his gaze. "Maybe there is more to it."

"Why are you so concerned about it?" Kiku could think of nothing else to say. Yao knew. He knew, and for reasons that Kiku wasn't sure of, that terrified him. He could not be sure if he was afraid of judgment or pity or disgust or something else entirely. All he knew was he did not want to elaborate.

"I suppose I was right." Yao sighed and closed his eyes briefly. Kiku bit his lip and fought the urge to hold his breath. "Kiku, this is so unlike you."

Kiku looked up, now entirely confused. He knew he had never dated in the past, but the statement hardly seemed warranted. "Unlike me?"

"I would think you would have the sense not to fall into something like this."

Kiku finally understood. "Oh," he said. "You think it's strange."

"No," said Yao immediately. "I think it's a ticking time bomb."

That was exactly what it was, and somehow, Kiku didn't care. He had right now. He didn't know what would happen in a few months or next week or even tomorrow, but for God's sakes, he had today. He was not about to ruin that. He sat in silence until he found a way to change the subject. "You never did tell me why Dr. Williams wanted to speak with you."

For a moment, Yao looked annoyed that Kiku had changed the topic. But in a split second, his eyebrows shot up, his mouth fell open, and he quickly looked away. "I never did, did I?" He laughed, but it sounded unnatural.

Now, it was Kiku's turn to be suspicious. "No. You didn't," he said. "What happened? He said there was someone you would want to visit."

Yao sighed heavily. "This is entirely too long of a story."

"I have time." Kiku was genuinely curious, if not a tad bit concerned.

"Fine." Yao traced a grove in the table's wood. "Remember when I got lost and ran into a psych patient?"

That was far too strange to forget. Kiku nodded. "Of course."

"Well," Yao paused for a long moment as if to collect his thoughts. "The bottom line is Dr. Williams is using me as… a therapy tool, per say. It sounds strange because it is."

"What?" Kiku was no closer to understanding. If anything, he was about a thousand times more confused. He simply could not wrap his mind around something so odd. "A therapy tool? What on earth does that mean?"

Yao closed his eyes briefly and gripped the edge of the table. "All it means is I come in and talk with him," he said slowly. "His name is Ivan." He sounded far too flippant about it, but the look in his eyes suggested he was holding back ten times the amount of information he was vocalizing.

"That is…very strange." Kiku waited for Yao to respond. When he didn't, he resigned to the fact that he was not going to get a full explanation as to what being a 'therapy tool' meant and instead asked, "What is he like?"

"He's nice," said Yao with a shrug. "I mean, a lot of people think he's creepy and he kind of is, but for the most part he is… misunderstood."

Kiku blinked. He had hardly expected such a kind, casual description. It was almost as if Yao was describing an old friend rather than someone who terrified him just months before. "There must be a reason he is there."

"Well, the label they stuck on him is borderline personality disorder." As if the very term triggered something, Yao scoffed and threw his hand in the air. "They told me the other day they think he might be sociopathic! Can you believe that? It could not be further from the truth. If anything, he's _too_ empathetic. All he wants to do is protect people. I mean, just because he's gotten violent a few time doesn't mean-"

Kiku felt a zing of panic. "Violent? With you?"

"No!" Yao nearly shouted it. The strangest part was he seemed personally offended. "He would never do anything to me. Ever."

Taken aback, Kiku put his hands up, wondering why he would be so intent on defending him. "I never said he would, Yao. I do not even know this man."

"I know, it's not your fault, I'm just tired of people judging him, and-" Yao broke off abruptly and clamped his mouth shut. He said nothing for a long moment while Kiku just looked at him, now more anxious than confused. When Yao looked up, it was not difficult to see the storm thrashing behind his eyes. "And I think I'm in love with him."

The sudden, completely unexpected declaration hit like a tidal wave, but at the same time, it was so horribly ironic that Kiku could have laughed. Less than five minutes ago, Yao was lecturing him about being unlike himself. Well, this was just about the last thing Kiku would ever expect Yao to do. Yao was always the one to be careful and reserved, always the one to laugh at the foolish actions of characters in romantic movies. And now, without any warning, he was telling him this. "This is very sudden." That was the only thing that felt fitting. Kiku's mind with was still reeling, still trying to make sense of this.

Yao sighed in what seemed like resignation. "I know. It was a lot to spring on you at once, but I thought you might understand." He picked up the scarf he had folded next to him and absently ran the fabric through his fingers. Kiku suddenly realized where that scarf must have come from. "It may seem ridiculous, but it's the truth."

Kiku could not say that Yao's situation was any more ridiculous and strange than his own, so it was not so much that he did not understand. It was more that he was too shocked to feel anything else. Once his shock and partial amusement faded, however, he realized just how concerning the situation actually was. "Yao, this seems dangerous."

Yao clenched his jaw and tightened his grip on the table. "Well, it isn't."

"He sounds very troubled, and you said he has been violent. It would only be reasonable to assume-"

Yao suddenly slammed his hand against the table, causing Kiku to stop speaking and jump in his seat. "At least Ivan isn't DYING, Kiku!"

The words hit like a punch to the stomach. Kiku suddenly could not breathe, could not think, could not do anything besides try and stop the tears picking his eyes from spilling over. He opened his mouth to speak, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't bring himself to say a thing. Yao was right. This 'Ivan' would likely be around for decades, and Heracles was dying. Heracles. Was. Dying… Kiku closed his eyes, the thought repeating itself over and over in his mind, his chest seizing in pain…

"Kiku." The spite had disappeared from Yao's voice. If anything, he sounded almost frantic. "Oh my God, Kiku, that was entirely out of line. I'm so sorry."

Kiku finally found the will to speak. "No." His voice cracked on the word. He looked away, embarrassed. "No, it's fine. You are right." It was not as if what he had said was untrue, and really, when was Yao not right?

Yao's face pinched his pain. His lips parted as if he was going to apologize again, but he only sighed and looked down at his plate. Not a word was spoken for the rest of the meal.

.

July faded into August, and things with Heracles became no less complicated. At the same time, they became no less wonderful. Kiku could still not be sure exactly what they were doing, whether it was a relationship or something deeper- all he knew was that whatever it was made him happy, no matter how foreign it all was to him. In the couple weeks that followed the unfortunate fainting spell at the cat shelter, Heracles seemed more or less fine- as fine as he could be, at least. His dyspnea didn't get too bad; he didn't try and overexert himself. Everything was as fine as it possibly could be- even if Kiku had not spoken to Yao in two weeks.

So when Kiku entered his room one evening, he was surprised to see that Heracles had completely covered himself with the blankets like a caterpillar in a cocoon. "Heracles?" said Kiku. When there was no immediate answer, he began to get worried. Heracles did not appear to be sleeping, since he had curled himself into a ball and his head wasn't even exposed. It looked as if his positioning was deliberate, for whatever reason. "Are you alright?"

"No." Heracles did not sound like he was in pain. He did not even sound tired. If anything, he sounded embarrassed. "I don't want you to see me."

And there was the confusion again. "Heracles, it is necessary for me to see you. How else will I check on you?" As if that was the only reason Kiku wanted to see his face. He walked towards the bed, and Heracles seemed to squirm further under the covers when he noticed his presence. Kiku frowned. This was probably the strangest thing Heracles had ever done, and that was certainly saying a lot. "What's the matter?"

"Everything."

While the confusion was still strong, panic started to override it. "Are you breathing alright? Are you in pain? Heracles, I need you to tell me-"

Heracles lifted a hand from under the blankets, stopping Kiku's ramblings. "Nothing like that," he said. "Doctor Beilschmidt gave me something, and… I look silly."

Oh. Kiku was almost surprised by how menial the problem was. Compared to fainting, breathlessness and erratic heartbeats, a change appearance might as well have been nothing. At same time, he could only wonder what was supposedly so awful. He sat down on the edge of the bed and stared at the outline of his body. "I'm sure it isn't bad."

After a long pause, Heracles finally said, "You won't laugh?"

Kiku had never heard a more absurd question. "Heracles, I would never."

There was a heavy sigh, and Heracles moved the covers from his head as slowly as it could possibly be done. Finally, Kiku saw what he was so hung up on- and immediately wondered why it mattered. Affixed to Heracles's nose and hooked over his ears was a thin, clear tube. Kiku wondered momentarily if there was something bigger he was missing, but his suspicion was invalidated when Heracles covered the lower half of his face with his hand and his cheeks turned a light pink. "Doctor Beilschmidt made me put it on this afternoon," he mumbled into his fingers. "He said it would help me breathe."

It was things like this that sent Kiku falling out of the clouds and spiraling back down to reality. He had mentioned the fainting spell and the episodes of breathlessness to Ludwig, and they had discussed whether doing this would be a good idea. Now that he thought about it, they recently _had _come to the conclusion that yes, giving Heracles a nasal cannula was the best option. Just like he had with so many things since meeting him, Kiku had forgotten about it until now. Even so, he hardly thought of it as unsightly. If anything, he was relieved that Heracles would be even slightly more comfortable. "I do not see what the problem is."

Heracles did not move his hand. "You don't have to lie."

The words hurt. If there was not thing Kiku did not want to be accused of being, it was a liar. "I was not lying."

"Kiku, I look ridiculous."

"No." Kiku was beginning to get frustrated. It pained him to see Heracles so humiliated, especially when it was such a non-issue. "No, you look far from ridiculous. You look…" He trailed off, glanced quickly at Heracles and forced out the word that had been rattling around in his mind. "…Cute." Funny. Just months ago he been thinking about how strange it was that Heracles had called him just that, and he was now doing the same thing. Oh well. It felt fitting, no matter how embarrassing it was to actually say it out loud.

Slowly but surely, Heracles lowered his hand. "Really?"

"Yes." The floor suddenly became a lot more interesting. Kiku wrung his hands together. "I have always thought you are quite…attractive." He tensed immediately after he said it, but he did not regret the words. Still, he wished he didn't blush so easy. "This does not change anything."

"Oh." At least Heracles seemed to have the same tendency. He was almost scarlet. "I have always thought the same about you."

The temperature in the room must have spontaneously doubled. "Oh."

"Are you alright?" asked Heracles, even though he looked less than all right himself.

Kiku blinked away the last of his ridiculous fluster and forced himself to meet his gaze. "Yes, I am fine, why-" But he could not finish his thought- if he even had one to finish to begin with- because Heracles was kissing him. It was unexpected, yet gentle, yet just enough to knock the air from Kiku's lungs.

Heracles pulled back almost before Kiku could register what was going on. "I'm sorry," he said. Kiku was starting to believe he was picking up on his habit.

Only Kiku did not want him to be sorry. "No." He swallowed hard, closed his eyes briefly, and summoned all the courage he had in his body. With trembling hands and a heartbeat that felt like hail hitting the concrete, Kiku leaned forward and kissed him again. Though he felt as though he could faint at any given moment, Kiku quickly realized that he did not want to stop.

It took awhile to get over the nervousness, the hesitation and the uncertainty- at least enough to think straight. If there was one thing Kiku was not used to, it was being touched like this, held like this…but it did not make his skin crawl the way he once thought it would. Instead, it lit it on fire. It was not until almost five minutes later for the room to stop spinning around him, for Kiku's hands to become steady again and soon after become more bold- if only slightly. Heracles had more nerve, pulling Kiku closer, kissing him deeper…but he was once again the one to pull away, flushed and wide-eyed. "Kiku," he said and cleared his throat. "Have you ever…"

He did not finish. He did not have to. Kiku lurched back, taken off-guard for the millionth time. He could not tell if he was flustered or just embarrassed, and he ended up without words. He simply shook his head. It was not until after he did it that he could manage two words that felt like an entire speech. "Have you?"

Heracles nodded. For a brief second of insanity Kiku was surprised, but immediately felt ridiculous for it. "Sadiq and I dated for over a year," he said. This time, Kiku did not feel embarrassed about being shocked. The feeling only doubled over on itself when Heracles continued to speak. "We broke up the day I was diagnosed."

The implication set in, and Kiku was left breathless for an entirely different reason. "I'm…sorry." Really, what was the point of trying to stop it anymore?

"It's fine. That was not the point. I was just wondering." Heracles shrugged, and without warning he changed the subject to something that felt entirely irrelevant. "Do you have any more patients to go to?"

Kiku blinked. He wondered why it mattered. "My shift is over."

"Okay." It was harder to see now that the sun was beginning to set, but Kiku could still make out the pale shade of pink that passed over Heracles's cheeks. He bunched a wad of covers in his hand. "Maybe you should turn off the lights."

Taking that as a signal to leave, Kiku stood up. "Oh, are you tired?"

Heracles looked almost confused. After a moment of just staring at each other, Heracles broke eye contact and sighed in a way that was almost a laugh. "I am asking if you want to sleep with me, Kiku."

Oh. _Oh. _Kiku had forgotten just how blunt Heracles could be. His heart leapt to his throat, his eyes grew wide and unblinking, and he felt as if someone had someone had replaced the blood in his body with bolts of lightening. For a moment he thought he was in risk of exploding. When he spoke, he could only whisper. "I…we are in a hospital."

Heracles shrugged. "So?"

"So!"

"No one enters this room at night." Heracles finally looked up, and his eyebrows drew together. Kiku did not realize he was physically shaking until Heracles began to look concerned. "I'm sorry, I did not mean to be forceful. That was far too bold."

Two equally powerful realizations hit Kiku like tons of bricks at the same time. The first one was the easiest to come to terms with. No matter how nervous he was about it, what Heracles was offering was exactly what he wanted, even if he had gone to great lengths to deny it. The second realization was a painful one: Heracles was getting weaker by the day. This could very well be their last and only chance to do so. Kiku did not have the words to answer, so he said nothing. Instead, with legs that felt entirely too unstable and hands that refused to stop quivering, he walked to the wall, turned off the light, and went back to the bed.

Momentarily Kiku wondered, quite frankly, what in the hell he was doing. This was without a doubt the most unprofessional, impulsive, downright inane thing he had ever done. It was the epitome of everything he would never do. But that was all clouded by the way Heracles looked in the moonlight, the touch of his skin, and finally the looming prognosis that hung in the distance like a clock ticking down to zero.

It was not easy. Kiku had to do the vast majority of the work even if he was a stammering mess of apologies and inexperience, they had to stop a few times to allow Heracles to catch his breath, and in turn Kiku was terrified the entire time that either it would become too much for him or someone would, for whatever reason, walk in. But neither of those things happened. And somewhere along the line, once they pasted all the fear and breathlessness and slight pain, everything suddenly made sense. Everything was suddenly perfect despite the imperfections, pleasure hit, and Kiku's chest swelled with emotion more powerful than anything he had ever felt. He stopped apologizing. In fact, there was no need for words except four.

"Heracles…I love you…"

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><p><em>Ivan and Yao's story can be found it "Little Sunflower." :)<em>

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><p><em>To be continued...<em>


	11. Chapter 11

Kiku could not be sure if it happened too quickly for him to notice, or if he simply did not want to notice it.

He soon came to the conclusion that it was the latter, however, since he found himself actively trying _not_ to notice. But the changes grew too prevalent to ignore. It seemed as though one day Heracles was able to sit up and talk for extended periods of time, and the next he could barely speak for a full minute without growing exhausted. One day, he could hide his pain in a stoic expression. The next, all he could do was lie perfectly still and try to keep from crying. Of course it did not happen that fast, but to Kiku, it might as well have.

If Kiku could say one thing, it was that he _tried. _He tried to detach himself from his work, tried to keep treating Heracles and the relationship they had separate, tried to bat away the feelings of dread and sympathy and fear that hung over him like vultures. Most days, he was able to switch these emotions off. Most days, he could handle it. Most days, he could go as far as to forget what was happening. In the end, that was all he could do. But some days, he couldn't quite bring himself to. Some days he had no choice but to feel_._

The moment Kiku walked into Heracles's room one day in September, he knew it would be one of those days.

When he got there, Heracles was lying flat on his back, seemingly taking a great interest in the ceiling. He caught sight of Kiku, and for a long moment only stared at him as though they had never met. "Kiku," he said. "Kiku, you…you usually come in the mornings."

"Um, yes." Kiku immediately felt a vague sense of wrongness, but tried his best to ignore it. "This is the same time I come everyday, Heracles. You know that."

"But, it's…" Heracles looked as if he tried to sit up, but gave up on it. "The middle of the night."

That feeling of wrongness was no longer vague. It was overpowering. "What?" Kiku walked further into the room even if he felt hesitant to. "Heracles, it is past seven in the morning."

Heracles did not seem to even hear him. "But you also come in the evenings," he said. "So it is like…two mornings a day. Which one is this?"

Kiku tried to stifle the growing fear rising in his chest, but he was quickly losing the battle. Heracles sounded like a robot, and his blank, unseeing eyes were befitting of one. "Heracles." He sat down on the edge of the bed. Heracles didn't react. "You are not making any sense."

"I am making sense. I was just saying it is the middle of the night, and you're here, but it's the morning, so it is like the evening…" Heracles paused to cough into his hand, nearly messing up the cannula in the process. "I am making sense."

No, he was not making sense. Nothing about this made any semblance of sense, and all Kiku could feel was a strange sense of impending doom. Then, he actually took a moment to really look at Heracles- this time forgoing the metaphorical rose-tinted glasses he usually saw him through. The longer he looked, the more one small, nearly unnoticeable detail became prevalent. Kiku slowly picked up his hand, examined his skin, and felt his stomach tighten. He could not deny that faint shade of yellow. All he could do was whisper, "Oh, no."

"Huh?" Again, Heracles seemed to have not heard him at all. He barely appeared to register that they were touching. But as if someone had flipped a switch, Heracles snapped into an upright position. "I-" But before he could say another word, he leaned over the side of the bed and vomited into the trash bin. Kiku sat motionless, shocked and terrified, until Heracles finally managed to say something that made sense. "Please look away." His voice wavered, and he threw up again almost instantly.

Kiku obeyed. He looked at the floor, sympathy and helplessness cutting into him like glass, both emotions now painfully familiar. He could only try to ignore the retching sounds coming from beside him- but he failed. Kiku had grown quite used to failing over the past few months. To think he had been so afraid of it before, even if it was the smallest thing. There were more important things to worry about these days- things that could just as easily improve his world as they could destroy it. And that thing- or rather, person- currently needed Kiku to remain strong.

Once the noises finally ceased, Kiku stood, rushed to dampen a cloth and then returned to the bed. "Oh, Heracles." He pushed the hair from his eyes and gently wiped his mouth. Heracles would not look at him. "It's alright. Everything is fine." _Liar._

"I'm sorry." Heracles closed his eyes and tightened his hands into fists. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Kiku, I'm so confused, everything hurts, I just… I'm sorry…"

"Calm down, Heracles. There is no reason to be sorry." While Kiku said it as calmly as he could, it took a great effort to not apologize himself. He knew if he started he would not stop for about three eternities. No matter if it was warranted or not, he was so, so sorry. He was sorry that he could not fix this. He was sorry that he could never find quite the right words to say. More than anything, Kiku was sorry that he could not trade places with Heracles. If he could, he would without a second thought.

Heracles took a series of long breaths, his face pinched and his eyes foggy. "Something is wrong," he said finally. "Something is wrong, Kiku."

"I know." Kiku would have to be blind not to see that. A small part of him wished he was. He sighed and closed his eyes, another desperate attempt to keep himself in check. "You will dehydrate. We need to get you an IV."

Kiku stood up, intending to leave the room to get the supplies he needed, only to be stopped by Heracles's quiet, distorted voice. "Kiku?"

"Yes?"

"Please come back soon."

Kiku did not turn around. He couldn't. He did not want to see his expression. "Okay."

Heracles's request did not go unheard. Kiku was able to make his way through the hallway, gather the necessary equipment and make his way back to the room in what was possibly record time. But no matter how fast he managed to do it, it felt as if he was simply going through the motions. For the sake of his own sanity, he could not afford to think about it too much. Emotion showed through momentarily only when he was about to put the needle in. "Ready?"

"Yes." Despite his response, Heracles visibly tensed before looking away.

"It will just be a pinch." Kiku hesitated momentarily, reminded himself for the umpteenth time to be professional about this no matter how personal this had become, and finally pushed the needle into the crook of Heracles's arm. Heracles winced, and Kiku could not help but to allow a pang of guilt to slip through. He had such young, smooth skin. It was such a shame to pierce it…_stop. _"That was not so bad, was it?"

"If only the needle was the most unpleasant part of this…" Heracles broke off abruptly. "No, it was not."

Kiku pressed the bandage over the needle with far more concentration than what was necessary, tracing a finger over it absent-mindedly. "Can I do anything?" The question was intentionally vague, open-ended. He wanted to do something. Anything.

Heracles leaned forward and pressed a quick kiss to the top of his head. "Just stay until I fall asleep," he said. Kiku nodded, just barely able to control the screaming in his head that told him he was not doing enough. Heracles lied down, rested his head in Kiku's lap and closed his eyes. Before he drifted off, he said quietly, "I love you, Kiku."

Kiku swallowed hard, resting a tentative hand in his hair. "I love you too." He never thought saying such a thing would feel so natural, mean so much. It was amazing how quickly things could change, become better, fall apart… _stop. _

When Kiku left a few minutes later, his blinking was too rapid and his throat felt too thick. No matter what, he refused to allow the tears forming in his eyes to spill over. He refused to acknowledge their existence, refused to acknowledge the urge to cry, because dammit, Heracles needed him to be strong. Even if there was nothing else Kiku could do, even if he could not make this any better, he could do that much. He had to.

.

Kiku could not say he didn't already know. All the signs were there, and with any other patient, he would have come to the conclusion immediately. But now that Ludwig was in front of saying exactly what he had unconsciously expected, the words might as well have been in a foreign language. He repeated them again in an attempt to make sense of them. "His kidneys are failing."

Ludwig nodded. "Yes. We will have to run tests to make that conclusion definite, but that is what looks to be happening."

Kiku bit down on his cheek for the sole purpose of having something else to focus on. "Oh." He tried not to think, to feel. For once, it was working.

"His body is shutting down, Kiku." Ludwig suddenly sounded as if he was having a personal conversation rather than a professional one. "There is nothing we can do."

These words were too familiar. "Yes, I know." How could Kiku not know that? It was painfully, horribly, world-endingly apparent. But there was nothing he could do. Nothing, nothing, nothing…

"Have you considered speaking with Dr. Williams?"

For a moment, Kiku wondered if he had been so lost in his own thoughts that he had missed a chunk of the conversation. The question seemed so out of place. "No, sir, I have not. Why would I?"

"He specializes in grief counseling." Ludwig pushed his hair back and glanced at Kiku, his expression somewhere between faint concern and outright pity. "I thought it might be helpful to you. I would definitely recommend it after-"

"I am fine," said Kiku, interrupting. No, he did not need to hear this. They still had time. "Thank you, though."

"Kiku," Ludwig dropped his folded arms, "are you sure?"

If there was one thing Kiku did not wish to receive in that moment, it was pity. Pity implied things were worse than they actually were. "I am sure." He came across an opportunity to push the focus off of himself and took it immediately. "Speaking of which, how is Feliciano?"

A flash of pain washed over Ludwig's face for a moment so brief Kiku almost thought he had imagined it. "I cannot say he is well," he said. "He has gone against everyone's suggestions and decided to be his grandfather's nurse. He simply will not allow anyone else to take the job."

"That sounds…problematic." Kiku could think of nothing else to say. Feliciano could barely keep his feelings in check when he was dealing with patients he had no connection to before hand. He could only imagine what he would be like treating the man who had raised him…the thought was so painful that Kiku could not even bring himself to picture it.

"It is." Ludwig shook his head, pushed his hair back for the second time that conversation, and exhaled loudly as if he had been holding his breath. "But we cannot stop him. It would be cruel."

Before Kiku could think of a word to say in response, Matthew entered the room. Strange. He didn't even work in this branch. "Dr. Beilschmidt, I need to see you."

Ludwig's face seemed to go white the moment he saw him. He stayed silent for a moment, only speaking after he cleared his throat. "Is that so?" He sounded casual enough, but the look in his eyes told a different story. "Did something happen?"

"Well…" Matthew glanced at Kiku and offered a weak smile and a wave. Kiku waved back, but still felt as though he was in the middle of a conversation he should not be listening to. This suspicion was only proven to be correct when Matthew said, "How about we take a quick walk, Dr. Beilschmidt?"

Still with a neutral expression, Ludwig nodded and exited the room, leaving Kiku alone with nothing but his racing thoughts.

.

When Kiku started his computer later that evening, the first thing he felt was an odd sense of déjà-vu. He pondered the cause for only a moment before he realized his intentions were identical to what they had been months ago. The first day he met Heracles, he had gotten online and researched his condition until he couldn't take it any longer. Now that the situation had only grown more personal, more heartbreaking, somehow gotten more severe…he was doing it again. It was almost a compulsion.

But this time, it was different. This time, Kiku did not search for symptoms or descriptions of pain or personal accounts of grief. Instead, he searched for a cure, for miracles, for sparks of light when there was nothing but darkness around him. He searched for something fair. His heart lifted and fell with the words on the screen, but he could do nothing if not hope. Heracles was like the morning after an eternity of night. If Kiku had never met him, he would have never realized how beautiful the world was, the world that lied beyond work and reason. He likely would have never known love. Kiku was not ready to go back to the darkness, to the monotony and the mediocrity. He was sure he never would be.

And that was how the rest of September was spent, as well as October. It was spent with Heracles trying to hide his pain but failing more and more often, growing more incoherent, his energy declining. But there were good days, days when he could talk and smile and even laugh. Kiku clung to the good days. He clung to them like the air when he was drowning, no matter how much shorter and farther apart they were becoming. For the sake of remaining strong, that was all he could do.

Through it all, a small, insane, unreasonable part of Kiku refused to let go of a ridiculous idea: Maybe Heracles would get better. Maybe there would be a miracle. Maybe Heracles would be saved like a character in a Greek play, swept out of a seemingly hopeless situation by the Gods in a Deus Ex Machina ending. Maybe then, something in the world would be just. Even though Heracles told him again and again they would meet in another life, Kiku desperately wanted him in this one. He wanted it more than he had ever wanted anything.

.

Kiku barely noticed the warm weather dissolving into cold, barely even felt the fall setting in. Halloween came along before Kiku even realized it. For reasons that were beyond him, it was asked of him to wear some type of costume. Kiku found it ridiculous. His patients would never take him seriously. But his urge to obey won out, and he ended up purchasing a set of cat ears. He would be lying if he said Heracles was not on his mind when he made that decision.

When Kiku arrived at work, the first thing he saw was Feliciano bent over Ludwig, who was sitting in a chair with a frustrated grimace. Feliciano's clothes were ripped severely in a way that looked intentional, and Kiku quickly figured out that he was supposed to be some type of zombie. He seemed engrossed in whatever he was painting on Ludwig's face, but he broke away when he noticed Kiku's entrance. "Happy Halloween, Kiku! Oh, you're a cat, that's cool. I'm a zombie, and Ludwig is _Frankenstein!" _

Feliciano stepped to the side, and Kiku was finally able to see Ludwig. He had a set of stiches painted on his face, coupled with the small bolts sticking out from either side of his head. His less-than-amused expression was nothing if not fitting. "Technically, he is Frankenstein's monster."

"Whatever I am, I look ridiculous." Ludwig rolled his eyes. "Feliciano, I have patients to go to. How are they going to take me seriously dressed like this?"

Feliciano giggled and slapped his shoulder playfully. "Don't be such a grump, Ludwig! It's Halloween! What kind of loser doesn't dress up on Halloween?"

_"__Doctors." _

"That isn't true, and you know it. Dr. Héderváry dressed up as a witch!"

"Yes, well, Elizabeta is Elizabeta."

Feliciano rolled his eyes, though his smile was still in place. "You have no holiday spirit, like, at all. It's just sad, Ludwig. So, so sad." He shook his head and clicked his tongue as if to scold him.

Ludwig continued to look annoyed, but Kiku swore a faint smile passed over his lips for the briefest moment. "Fine, I'll wear the silly costume, alright?"

"Yay, Ludwig! I knew you weren't hopeless!" Feliciano threw his arms around Ludwig, who rolled his eyes and patted his shoulder until he let go. "It would be really cool if you actually _acted _like Frankenstein-"

"And that is where I draw the line." Ludwig stood up, adjusted the headband the bolts were stuck to, and turned towards Kiku. "Anyway, how are you doing, Kiku? Is everything alright?"

Kiku's momentary amusement vanished. He knew full well that Ludwig's question had nothing to do with work, and he had known that ever since he started asking the same question far more frequently than normal. He knew he should be grateful that Ludwig was concerned about him, but at the same time, he wasn't. It threatened the small amount of hope he was able to cling to, no matter how misguided it was. Kiku noted that his thoughts were running away again and reined them in. "I am fine." In that very moment, he was fine. He had to be.

Ludwig furrowed his brow, but nodded anyway. "Alright. Well, I have a patient to go to. Happy Halloween."

Kiku hoped it would be happy. These days, that only meant one thing- he hoped Heracles would be having one of his better days. He had a short conversation with Feliciano that he did not remember or really even hear, collected his things, and made his way down the hall on unsteady legs. When he opened the door, and Heracles looked up, and he smiled, Kiku felt a wave of relief so strong it was dizzying. For once, hope had become reality. "Happy Halloween, Heracles." Happy indeed.

"You dressed up." Heracles beckoned for Kiku to come in and sit down, and Kiku did exactly that. He did not flinch when Heracles pressed his face against his shoulder; he was not even surprised. Kiku had become accustomed to how touchy he could be, and a small part of him had even grown to appreciate it. "You dressed up like a kitty."

Kiku smiled to himself, out of Heracles's sight. Yes, he was having a good day. He did not seem confused, or in pain, or exhausted…no more than he usually was, at least. It was manageable, it was baseline, and it was all Kiku could realistically hope for. "I feel a bit silly."

"You are Kiku, and you are dressed as a cat. Those are the two things I love the most. How could you possibly look silly?" He said it so casually, without sarcasm or even humor. This nonchalance was what always told Kiku he was sincere. Heracles slung his arms around Kiku's neck just as absently in what was almost a hug. "You look just fine."

Kiku believed him. He always did. "Thank you."

"I wish I could take a picture."

Once the statement registered, Kiku realized that he could. Since his day off that felt a million years away, he had started to carry his camera with the rest of his belongings. He hesitated, wondering if he wanted to be photographed looking like this, but shrugged off the reluctance. When Heracles went back to lying down, Kiku retrieved the camera from his bag and handed it to him. "You can, if you would like."

Heracles smiled fainting as he took it into his hands. "I'm glad you have been using this again," he said. He flipped it over, looking at it from all angles. "I can't say I have a clue how to use it."

"It is not that hard. Simply hold it like this…" Kiku adjusted Heracles's hold on the camera, and then pointed to one of the buttons. "And press this when you want to take-" Only he did not finish because Heracles pressed the button immediately, setting off the flash and blinding both of them.

"Sorry."

Kiku rubbed the stars from his eyes and shook his head. "I will just delete that one."

Heracles held up the camera without another word. Kiku sat motionless, feeling awkward, unsure if he should smile or not. But he was not given much time to worry about the details, because Heracles took the picture before he could. When the flash faded, he pulled the camera from his eye, looked at the screen and ran his finger over it as if he could actually touch the image. "Cute," he said, seemingly to himself. "Take a look, Kiku."

With some reluctance, Kiku leaned over and looked at the screen. He supposed it was not too bad of a picture. He was not exactly smiling, but it seemed as though the longer he stared at it, the more it looked like he was. Then he looked away, glanced at Heracles, and had a sudden idea. "Can I take one of you?"

Heracles lowered the camera and looked up. He quickly looked away, adjusted the cannula, and for a moment, he almost looked confused. Kiku was almost just as confused until he said, "You want a picture when I look like this?"

Oh. Kiku kept forgetting Heracles could withdrawal into himself so easily, lose his confidence in a flash, grow sad without warning… and it was heartbreaking. It was unacceptable. At a loss for what else to do, Kiku removed the cat ears headband and placed it on Heracles's head. He looked up again, confused, and Kiku said, "Actually, I _would_ like a picture. You look very cute."

And his smile was back. Kiku felt light enough to fly. "I have always wanted to be a cat."

How endearing. Kiku took the camera from him, focused it, but stopped when Heracles suddenly shook his head. "Wait." Then, he reached behind his ears and removed the cannula. Kiku must have looked apprehensive, because he said, "It will only be for a second."

Kiku nodded, lifted the camera again, and took the picture. Heracles had lifted a closed fist to imitate a cat paw, a ghost of a smile on his lips and a sparkle in his eyes. Despite the circles under his eyes, the discoloration of his skin and the gauntness in his face that had slowly become more apparent in the past two months, Kiku was sure this picture was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He knew he would treasure it for the rest of his life.

In that moment, he realized: No matter what happened, no matter if Heracles never got the miracle he deserved, no matter if he passed tomorrow or three months from now or in ten years, Kiku would love him forever.

* * *

><p><em>To be continued...<em>


	12. Chapter 12

His entire life, Heracles knew something was wrong with him.

He knew it from the time he was a child, when he tried to run and play with the other children in his village only to lose his breath and have to lie down. He knew it when his pulse seemed to suddenly double in speed, leaving him breathless and panicked and finally, just exhausted again. He knew it when he woke up gasping for air, and he knew it when his chest seized in sudden, intense pain for what seemed to be no reason. He knew it when he slept through the majority of his adolescence, because his limbs always felt as though they were submerged in cement and just getting through the day felt like dying. He knew it when he started college; he knew it when he dropped out.

So, Heracles had always known he was not normal. In turn, some part of him had always known his life would be cut short. He did not think about it constantly. It was always an unconscious, knowing fact that always followed him, like a shadow. He never tried to fight it, never really denied it, never even got too upset about it. His entire life, it was just that- a fact. So when Sadiq brought him to the hospital, he knew what they would say. His diagnosis was hardly a shock. His prognosis was even less of one.

There was one thing, however, that actually did manage to shock Heracles. That thing was Kiku. From the very moment he entered his room that first day, Heracles just _knew. _He knew Kiku was not like the others. He was wiser, kinder, and he was the most beautiful thing Heracles had ever seen. He did not speak much, but when he did, it was always the right thing to say. He did not treat Heracles like a dying person or even a sick person like everyone else in his life had, but rather, simply a person. That made Heracles fall in love. It made him fall in love in a matter of weeks.

To an onlooker, how fast Heracles fell in love may have seemed ridiculous. Silly. Maybe even petty or childish. But he knew it wasn't. He was given six months to live. When you only have six months, time, along with countless other things, suddenly becomes irrelevant. Two days might as well be two years, two lifetimes. Every emotion was suddenly more powerful, more important, more life changing and world-altering. So when Heracles figured out that he loved Kiku, there had been no hesitation, no denial. If anything, he was amused. This hospital was supposed to be the end. It was not supposed to be a piece of his life at all, really, but rather an extension of death. His life was supposed to end the moment that doctor said the words _end-stage heart failure. _

The fact that these past months had been the most fulfilling of his life was nothing if not ironic.

Heracles thought he knew love before. He had assumed he had loved Sadiq, even if he just about the rudest person Heracles had ever met and they fought more than they didn't. Still, there had been feelings there; feelings he thought must have been love. They had been together for a year, after all. What would those feelings be if not love? That was what Heracles thought prior to coming to the hospital, at least. But the first time he looked at Kiku, kissed him, loved him that confusing, breathtaking night under the moonlight…it had proved all of that wrong. _This _was love.

Yes, this was love. So for the first time in Heracles's life, he thought something that chilled his to the bone and sent tears flooding to his eyes.

Maybe he did not want to die.

.

"It will probably be soon, you know."

Kiku looked out the window, tried not to think about Heracles's words, tried not to feel the affect they always had on him. Really, what was soon? In some situations, 'soon' meant five minutes from now. In others, it meant five years. Kiku could not be sure which, if either was more accurate, and he was sure he did not want that answer. "Soon," he said, only partially aware that he was speaking. Repeating was all he could do. The word might as well have been in another language, because it was not registering with him.

Heracles adjusted his positioning again, trying to get comfortable. Today was an average day for him, not inherently good or bad. He was in pain, that much was obvious, but it was the kind of pain he could hold a conversation through. That was becoming less and less common. "Remember, Kiku," he said, his voice sounding airy and weak. "In another life, we will be together. We'll be together forever."

Reincarnation. Kiku had spent more time than what was healthy thinking about that, wishing for it, trying to convince himself into believing it fully. Maybe he believed in it and maybe he didn't. These days, he could hardly be sure. All he was sure about was that he wanted Heracles to stay with him, forever, in this life. Part of him still denied how impossible that was. "You would have to wait for me."

"I would wait forever." Heracles picked up Kiku's hand and ran his finger over the knuckles. His skin was cold. "I want you to enjoy this life as long as possible."

The statement was so ridiculous that Kiku almost laughed at the sheer absurdity. Enjoy it? How on earth could he enjoy a world without Heracles? How could anyone? "I will certainly try." Even though every cell in his body was screaming _that is impossible, _Kiku figured he owed it to Heracles to at least pretend it wasn't. He had made a promise to himself that he would be strong through all of this.

"Please don't be upset."

Heracles knew. Of course he knew; he always knew exactly what Kiku was feeling no matter how well he thought he was able to cover it up. He supposed it would be all right to let his front falter, just for a moment. "It just isn't fair."

Silence. Kiku could hear the wind rattling the window, the buzz of the oxygen machine. These silences were another thing that was slowly becoming more common. Heracles broke it. "Of course it is."

The words were strange enough to finally tear Kiku's gaze from the window. He looked at Heracles, his eyes narrowed in confusion. He searched for a clue in Heracles's face, but his expression was just as unreadable as ever. "What do you mean?"

"If I never came here, it is likely that I never would have met you." Heracles smiled after he said it, but he winced almost immediately. The pain must have spiked again. Kiku wondered if it was his legs or his chest. He continued speaking anyway, his voice even and unassuming. "I would rather spend six months here with you than live decades somewhere else."

How did he always do that? How did Heracles always manage to pull the most meaningful, poetic things out of thin air? How did they always make Kiku feel as though someone had stolen the air from his lungs? "Oh." It was all he could say. He did not say that the words hurt, that they made him feel guilty. Kiku would rather have Heracles alive and healthy, even if they never met and Heracles never changed his world. To want anything else would be the worst kind of selfish.

Heracles sighed, and Kiku instantly felt worse. He knew he was trying, trying to make this easier on the both of them even though that should have been Kiku's job. "You will be fine, Kiku. I know you will."

Fine, right. Kiku said nothing for a long while, because he did not trust himself to. Moments passed in the silence, and he could only think of one thing that felt appropriate to say. "I love you." _And I always will. Forever. _

Heracles lifted Kiku's chin and kissed him. His lips had grown dry over the weeks, but Kiku did not care. "I love you too."

Kiku's vision blurred, but he managed to hold back the tears. Heracles's heart may not work anymore. His kidneys did not work, either, and some days it seemed as if his brain was starting to go. But moments like this proved his soul still worked. It worked just fine, and it always did. It would live on forever.

.

"Kiku, I need to speak with you. Do you have a moment?"

Dr. Beilschmidt did not sound angry or even upset. If anything, he sounded concerned if not downright dejected. This scared Kiku far more than if he had yelled the words. He nodded anyway. He didn't have a choice. "Yes, sir. I have a bit of time before my next patient."

The room was empty, save for them. Feliciano must have been with his grandfather again. He had ben so quiet lately, walking around as if it hurt to move. There were moments of happiness, sure, but he practically was a shell of who he was just months ago. In turn, something similar had happened to Ludwig. He sat down with a weighty sigh, pushed his hair back, and looked Kiku in the eyes. His blue eyes seemed almost hollow. "Things have been pretty tough around here, haven't they?"

That was an understatement. Kiku nodded, though he wasn't completely sure where he was going with this. "They certainly have."

Ludwig looked into his hands as if his palms would hold solutions to any of their problems. He did not look up when he spoke. "You know he does not have much time left."

There was no need to specify whom Ludwig was referring to. Kiku felt his body go numb. Why did it seem as though half the conversations they had these days were unspoken? "I know." He wondered why Ludwig was bringing this up. In a moment of insanity he wondered if he was just trying to upset him.

"Are you sure?"

Kiku looked up. What a strange question. It reminded him of the conversation he had with Yao so many months ago. "Am I sure?"

Ludwig shrugged. He looked calm, far too calm for the circumstances. "I was just thinking…maybe it has not completely set in yet."

Of course it had not set in yet. If it had, Kiku was sure the very world around him would end. He was sure he would stop breathing. "I see."

"I know this in incredibly difficult. I am truly sorry, Kiku, but I feel it is necessary to tell you." Ludwig wrung his hands together, looking more nervous than Kiku had ever seen him. "Things are looking pretty bad right now. His kidneys are barely functioning, he is asleep far more often than is he awake, he is not able to breath for long without the cannula, his legs are horribly swollen…" He stopped speaking and closed his eyes briefly, as if he was reluctant to finish. Kiku looked away. "If Heracles makes it to New Years, it would be a miracle. It's amazing that he's made it this long."

Kiku did not feel like he was in his own body. Every inch of him felt numb, cold. He was unable to feel any emotion. Why was the sun not falling from the sky? Why was he still able to breathe, why were his eyes still dry? "I understand," he said, even though the words felt like a lie.

Did he even want to understand?

.

When Feliciano entered the break room, he was surprised to see that he was alone. For once, he was grateful to have a moment to himself. Roma was not doing well. Since his diagnosis, he'd been irritable with Feliciano and his brother. He could not be sure if it was due to pain or sadness or anger. All Feliciano knew was that it hurt. It hurt everyone. When he left to go back to work, Lovino and Roma had been screaming at each other. Feliciano sighed, rested his head on the table, and wondered where Ludwig was. Even if having a moment alone was nice, he needed him right now.

As if he were a guardian angel responding to a call, Ludwig entered the room not five minutes later. Though just seeing him provided some sense of comfort in itself, the pained look on his face was less than reassuring. "Ludwig?" Feliciano sat up. "Ludwig, are you okay?"

For once, Ludwig did not object to Feliciano's lack of professionalism. Instead, he sat down at the table and exhaled as if he had been standing for about ten years. "It's Gilbert."

There was almost no need to explain further. Sometimes, Ludwig and Feliciano did not need to say everything they were thinking. Sometimes, the other just knew. This was one of those times. "Oh, no. Did something happen? How is he doing?"

"Not well." Ludwig drummed his fingers against the tabletop, obviously distressed but just as obviously trying to hide it. "I just went to this so-called 'family-therapy' session. Apparently, I am a 'trigger.'"

Feliciano noticed the unbelieving, sarcastic way Ludwig said certain words and instantly became saddened by it. He knew, to some extent, what the situation was with Ludwig's brother. He had been diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder, and for years he had been struggling to control his alter- a vindictive, rude, occasionally violent personality who claimed to be the King of Prussia. Despite being a doctor, Ludwig never seemed to quite understand. "How did the session go?" asked Feliciano, finding it best not to bring any of that up.

"Disastrous," said Ludwig, shaking his head. "Gilbert was far more willing to speak with Matthew than me. It was bizarre." He shrugged as if to dismiss it, but Feliciano could make out that familiar look of pain. Ludwig shook his head again. "Strangely enough, Kiku's brother was there."

That piqued Feliciano's interest. "Yao?" he said. "Is he a patient?"

"No," said Ludwig. He looked to be just as confused. "He was there to support one of the men Gilbert rooms with. Ivan."

"Is that the one Gilbert can't stand?" asked Feliciano. Ludwig nodded, and Feliciano's eyebrows shot up. "Wow. Small world, huh?"

"I suppose so." Ludwig rested his head in his hand and sighed. "I still do not understand this, Feliciano. For God's sakes, I was just told I am worsening Gilbert's condition just by being alive!"

Feliciano felt his stomach clutch in sympathy. "That isn't what it means, Ludwig. You know that." Not sure what else to do, he reached across the table and took Ludwig's free hand. "You know Gilbert loves you, I mean, he's your brother! Lovino gets annoyed with me sometimes, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love me."

To Feliciano's surprise, Ludwig did not pull his hand away. In fact, he took it in a death grip. "I just wish he did not have to deal with this. I might not fully comprehend it, but I can see how much it hurts him."

That much was obvious. Feliciano made an attempt at a reassuring smile. "I'm sure Matthew will be able to help. He's really great at his job. I'm sure Gilbert will be out of here in no time."

"Thank you, Feli. I sure hope that is the truth." Ludwig blinked away his concern and met Feliciano's gaze. "Enough about that. How is your grandfather?"

Feliciano felt his stomach sink, his vision blur, and his heart seize all at the same time. "He isn't exactly taking it well. Neither is Lovino, all they do is yell at each other, and he's in so much pain, I…" He closed his eyes and tightened his grip on Ludwig's hand. "I wish I could do more, Ludwig, but I can't. I can't…"

"Feliciano, I really think it would be best to let someone else handle this case."

"No," said Feliciano immediately. In his mind, there was no one better suited to take care of his grandfather than him. He just couldn't trust someone that much. "I'll be fine. Really." He attempted to say it firmly, but his voice quivered. He quickly realized that he did not want to discuss this any further. "Is Kiku with Heracles right now?"

Ludwig glanced around the room as if he expected Kiku to be there. "He is with him whenever he isn't doing something else. I would say he is."

Grief turned to sympathy when Feliciano remembered the situation. Kiku was one of the most composed, career-minded, professional people he had ever met. Yet the moment Heracles came into the picture, all of that seemed to disappear in an instant. He always managed to keep a neutral expression after he was done caring for him, never let so much as a single tear fall…but Feliciano knew better. Kiku was in pain; no matter how hard he tried not to let it show. "It's so hard to watch, Ludwig," he said. "He loves him so much."

"I know." Ludwig looked down at their hands and gave a short, humorless laugh. "I used to understand just about everything that happened around here, but recently, it seems I don't understand a damn thing."

Feliciano knew that feeling all too well. He could hardly understand how someone as rational as Kiku had fallen in love so hard and so fast with someone who only had months, why Roma had to get so sick, or why Ludwig's brother had to suffer the way he did. Over the past couple months, Feliciano had grown accustomed to that uncertainty. He nodded, giving Ludwig's hand another squeeze. "That makes two of us."

.

"What is your favorite planet, Kiku?"

Kiku was surprised that Heracles was speaking. This was one of his bad days. He could tell that much when he was giving him medication that morning- he was more confused than normal, barely able to stay awake. They had been sitting in a comfortable silence, staring at the window into the starry night. "My favorite planet?" he asked. Heracles nodded. "I have always thought the rings on Saturn were very pretty."

"Me too." Heracles blinked, and he managed to smile for the first time that day, if only briefly. "I guess we will visit that one first."

Kiku could have chalked it up to confusion, but something about the way he said it made it seem as though Heracles knew exactly what he was talking about. "I beg your pardon?"

"Astronauts, Kiku. Remember?"

Kiku quickly realized that he did remember. All that time ago, when Heracles was still able to sit up and walk and laugh, he had said he and Kiku would be astronauts in another life. Kiku had no idea he still thought about it, and he had no idea whether that made him want to smile or cry. "Yes, I remember."

"Good, good." Heracles closed his eyes, but opened them again. It was not hard to tell he was forcing himself to. A few moments passed, and it almost seemed as though he had finally succumb to sleep, but that was proven wrong when he spoke again. "I have never seen your house." The words were quiet and flat, as if it was simply a passing thought he had vocalized without thinking.

_And he never will. _No matter how nonchalant that statement was, it hit Kiku like a fist. Heracles would never see his house. He would never eat a real meal with him. Kiku would never come home to work and be greeted by him when he walked in the door. They would never have the simple, sometimes boring domestic life that so many people took for granted.

_Unless…_

The thought was so sudden and inane that Kiku actually shocked himself with it. He sat in silence, frozen, torn between reprimanding himself for thinking something so ridiculous and kicking himself for not thinking of it sooner. While Heracles continued to look out the window, somewhere between awake and asleep, Kiku looked around the room. He looked at the bare walls, the lifelessness, how impersonal it was, and he made the rashest decision he had ever made in his life. Nowadays, he had no choice but to be impulsive. "Heracles."

Heracles looked up, his eyes glossed over. "Hmm?"

"Heracles, come home with me."

If Heracles did not look confused before, he definitely did then. He looked at Kiku as if they had never met before. "I don't understand," he said. "What do you mean?"

Kiku meant that for the first time in his life, he hated living alone. He meant that whenever he walked away from Heracles, he felt as if he was leaving a piece of himself behind. He meant he wanted to be with him, every second he could, for as long as it was possible. "You could," he said. "I could take you home. You would not have to live here any longer."

"Wow." Heracles shook his head, his eyes locked somewhere in the distance. "That would be incredible, but Kiku, is it possible?"

It had to be possible. If there was a single fair thing left in the entire world, it was possible. "I will talk to my supervisor, but I am sure you can."

Heracles met his gaze and smiled again. This time, his smile did not fall.

* * *

><p><em>To be continued...<em>


	13. Chapter 13

Kiku never thought about what living with someone would be like. At first, it was strange. He was suddenly hyperaware of everything he did, convinced that Heracles was silently scrutinizing every move he made, even if all he really did was lie in Kiku's bed. Caring for him outside of a hospital setting took some getting used to, but Kiku figured it out. Once he realized this was indisputably the best decision he could have made, something clicked, and things became natural.

In a matter of days, life faded into something that almost felt like a comfortable routine. Kiku visited Lili and picked up Larry, who spent the majority of his time curled up the Heracles's side. Heracles could not eat much, but when he was able, they ate together. Kiku continued to go to work, continued to treat his other patients, continued to do his job as well as he could in an attempt to forget. It was almost normal, almost the domestic fantasy his mind had conjured up. Almost. Kiku did not feel as though he was waiting for something. It did feel as though his world was getting ready to explode, or that he was living under a time constraint. Life with Heracles simply felt normal, endless.

And that was what made up the next two weeks. Kiku quickly found that one of his favorite ways to spend time was to sleep with Heracles, in the most innocent sense of the term. It became a habit to get home from work, kick of his shoes, and lie down in the bed they now shared. Sometimes he would nap- something that was a very new concept- and other times he would simply lie awake and enjoy Heracles's silent company. Some days, it took Heracles some time to register Kiku was there. Other days he would not notice at all.

But in the evening of one of the first days in December, Kiku lied down and Heracles noticed immediately. That was all it took for him to know it was a good day- the first in weeks. When he looked at Kiku and smiled, he knew it was one of the best. Heracles needed to say only one thing to make that true. "Let's go downstairs, Kiku."

Going down the stairs was one of those things that had grown to be less simple. Kiku carried the small oxygen tank feeding the cannula in one arm, his other hand clutching Heracles's- and this time, it actually was for steadiness. It took longer than it probably should have, but Heracles was able to do it. That was all that mattered… and maybe it was a good sign.

When Kiku joined him on the sofa with a blanket, Heracles looked to be grateful for the warmth of the fireplace. His skin had been so cool lately, as if someone had replaced his blood with ice. "Are you alright?" Kiku had been avoiding that question lately. He was not always sure he wanted the answer.

Heracles did not respond. He just pulled at the blankets, looking occupied, his eyes locked on his hands. The only thing that could be heard was the crackling of the fire and the cold gusts of wind outside the house. It seemed as though an eternity passed before he said anything. "I have been thinking lately."

"Have you?" And again the silence. Kiku brought his legs beside him and watched the orange flames. He found it best not to push Heracles to speak.

Kiku had almost zoned out when he suddenly felt himself being pulled, moved, and finally embraced by Heracles. He had done this before and Kiku was almost used to it, but something about this felt different. He was holding him as if he was terrified not to. He felt him rest his chin on his head, felt his chest rise and fall against his back. "Should I let go?" Heracles sounded almost reluctant.

If it were anyone else, Kiku would have said yes immediately. But with him, all he said was, "No." And he meant it.

The silence that followed felt too heavy. Kiku felt as if he was waiting for a bomb to go off, or for the flames in the fireplace to suddenly jump out and swallow them whole. What actually happened was nowhere near as dramatic, but it was somehow ten times more crushing than any of what he had imagined would have been: Kiku felt something wet slip down his hair. "Heracles?" He tried to turn around even if he was certain he did not want to see, but the firm grip Heracles had on him made that impossible.

"It could be any day now. I can just tell, Kiku. It could be tomorrow."

For a moment Kiku was sure he was hearing someone other than Heracles. He had never heard him speak this way. He was not even sure how to describe it. His voice was thick with tears and his words wavered unnaturally in volume. If anything, he sounded… broken. Kiku ignored the way his stomach twisted with pain. "But we have today."

The fire burned on, silent tears dried on the blanket. "I know, but…" Heracles broke off, held Kiku a bit tighter. He finished in a whisper. "I wish I could stay."

Finally, Heracles had realized. This is exactly what Matthew and Ludwig had been waiting for, the thing that would put an end to their confusion, the thing that Kiku had been dreading. He had always wondered how Heracles was so indifferent about what was happening to him, and now that he was finally making sense, Kiku wished he could go back to just being confused. "So do I," he said quietly, and then regretted it instantly. He was not supposed to say things like this.

"Will you be okay?" Just a few weeks ago, that question had been a statement. _You will _had long since been changed to _will you._ Kiku bit down hard on his lip and reminded himself not to feel. He concentrated so hard on doing so that he forgot to respond, and only came spiraling back down to reality when Heracles spoke again. "Please don't forget me."

The words felt like bullets. Kiku was certain he had never heard anything more impossible. Forget Heracles? It was just as probable as forgetting to breathe. He thought of him whenever he looked out a window, saw a cat, heard a familiar quote. He was certain he could never remember to forget him. "What?" he said finally. "Heracles, how could I ever-"

Only Heracles cut him off. "And please don't remember me like this, either. Do not remember me as sick and helpless. Please."

Kiku shook his head slowly. "I would not do that." He was sure he would not remember like that, because he never saw Heracles as sick and helpless.

"Thank you so much." Heracles pulled Kiku tighter, so tight he found it difficult to breathe. It didn't bother him. "Thank you for everything, Kiku. Thank you for making these the best months of my life, even if they are my last." His voice caught on the last word, and he could not say anything else. His shoulders shook, his head bowed, and he let the tears fall. He did not make any sound, and somehow, that just made it worse.

No, not like this. This was premature. That was what Kiku told himself, at least. He almost broke. Almost cried, almost allowed the emotions he'd been denying himself of finally spill over. But he didn't. This sure felt like a goodbye, but dammit, it wasn't. They had time, they had to, just had to… Once he managed to once again push away the emotions threatening to set in, all Kiku could do was lie on Heracles's chest and listen to the pounding of his heart. Every beat reminded him, again and again, that he was alive and with him.

And that was the sound that lulled him to sleep, with Heracles holding him like he would never, ever let go. And maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't.

.

The next morning, Kiku could have rejoiced when he woke to feel Heracles's heartbeat still pounding steadily against the side of his face. But he did not cheer, did not make any noise at all. He considered not moving, either, because he did not want to. He wanted to stay like this forever. For the first time in a long while, he resented the fact he had to work that day. But his urge to be punctual won out, so Kiku sighed and shimmied out of Heracles's arms.

Before he left the room to get ready, Kiku looked down at Heracles's sleeping form. His cannula was askew, his hair stuck out in all directions, and his t-shirt was wrinkled. Kiku smiled to himself, the emotional turmoil from the previous night forgotten. After he made sure the cannula was in place, Kiku brushed his flyaway hairs aside and pressed a light kiss to his forehead. No matter how much time they had left, Kiku was sure he was the luckiest person alive.

.

Kiku knew something was wrong the moment he entered the staffroom. For one thing, there was no Feliciano. Ludwig was there, but he did not appear to be working. He did not exactly appear to be thinking, either. He was sitting at the table, eyes locked forward, not moving, hardly breathing. He did nothing to acknowledge Kiku's entrance. Kiku was torn between speaking and bolting from the room out of discomfort alone. He ultimately chose the former. "Sir? Is something wrong?"

Ludwig raised his head quickly as if he were surprised. "Oh. Good morning, Kiku. I am just a bit distracted, is all."

"I see." Kiku made his way to the table and sat down. He glanced around the room and began to ask his next question before he had the chance to reconsider. "Where is Feliciano?"

Ludwig looked up and pursed his lips. "He…he is not in today."

And just like that, Kiku knew. He clutched his hands together as his stomach tightened into knots and fell to his feet. "I see," he said for the second time.

"His grandfather passed in his sleep. It was the best way it could have happened, but of course, it is still very hard on him."

"Of course." Kiku hated himself for it, but his first thought upon hearing the news was of Heracles. As quickly as the thought entered his mind, Kiku shook it out and tried to focus on the matter at hand. "It must be devastating."

"What time does your shift end again, Kiku? Around six?"

Confused by the abrupt change in topic but unwilling to show it, Kiku nodded. "Yes, sir."

Ludwig leaned against his arms and finally met Kiku's gaze. "I was planning to visit Feliciano after work today. I was wondering if you would like to come along."

For a moment, Kiku hesitated. He wanted to support Feliciano, but at the same time, he was not sure if he was ready to see the aftermath of something like this. "Are you sure I would not be intruding?" he asked finally. Even if he was unsure about the whole thing, it felt necessary to ask.

"Positive," said Ludwig. "Feliciano considers you a close friend."

Just like that, any selfish urge Kiku had was gone. "I will definitely come, then."

.

The first thing that caught Kiku's attention was the screaming. From the moment Ludwig parked in front of Feliciano's house and cut the engine, the angry Italian words- too angry to be Feliciano's- pierced his ears. He turned to Ludwig, equally terrified and confused. Ludwig sighed, shook his head, and said only one thing. "Lovino."

No closer to understanding, Kiku forced himself to exit the car and walk with Ludwig to the front door. There was always something strange about entering someone's house for the first time. In a way, it signaled a change in relationship. It was a sign of trust. But this felt different. If anything, this felt like intruding. All Kiku could do was stand perfectly still and stare at his shoes while Ludwig rang and doorbell. "Feli," he said. "Feliciano, it's me." The way he said it made it seem as though this was a fairly regular occurrence. Hopefully the circumstances were not always as intense.

The shouting from the other side of the door was still in Italian, but Kiku swore he heard something that sounded suspiciously like 'German potato bastard.' The angry words soon faded out, there was a series of quiet footsteps, and finally the door opened. Instead of throwing the door open like Kiku would expect Feliciano to do, he only cracked it and peered through the gap as if he was afraid. "Oh, hi, you guys," he said. "You can come in, but Lovino is kind of-"

Kiku flinched when he heard another door slam from somewhere inside. Feliciano sighed, made a gesture that was almost a shrug, and then ushered them in. Despite how loud it had been just moments ago, the house was suddenly much too quiet. Ludwig kept his arms straight by his sides, his hands tightened into fists. "I do hope he was not yelling at you."

Feliciano sat down and motioned for Ludwig and Kiku to do the same. Kiku was surprised that he was not opening sobbing, that he was not hysterical. The sadness he displayed was more accepting, quieter, as if he had prepared himself for this. "He wasn't. Not really." He glanced up the steps and shook his head. "He isn't really yelling at anyone, it's just…he isn't taking it well."

That much was obvious. Kiku wished he could do something, but he was not sure if that was really possible. He had grown used to a certain kind of helplessness, learned to accept that certain things were simply beyond his control. Finally, after spending what seemed like ages of grappling for the right words, he found something to say. "We are here for you, Feliciano."

Feliciano did not smile brightly or run up and embrace him. Instead, he just nodded and wiped his eyes, looking exhausted. "Thank you," he said. He leaned against Ludwig's shoulder and stared off into the distance. "It helps to know he isn't in pain anymore, you know? I know he tried really hard to stick it out, but…"

Ludwig nodded and probably said something, Feliciano must have finished that statement, but Kiku's ears were suddenly unresponsive. Breathing became too difficult, the air too cold. What Feliciano had said made perfect sense. It made perfect sense, so he could not help but wonder: Was Heracles only holding on for his sake? But he did not have time to consider the question, because a harsh knocking at the door broke him out of his thoughts.

When Feliciano answered it, an olive-skinned man with a shock of curly brown hair burst through the door so swiftly it would not be unreasonable to assume that someone was chasing him. "I came as soon as I heard. I am so sorry, Feliciano. My condolences." He spoke with an accent, likely Spanish. Even though his words sounded sincere, his attention seemed to be focused on looking around the room. "Where is Lovi?"

Feliciano pointed up the steps, but his face was pinched and the act was reluctant. "He's upstairs, but Antonio, I don't know if-"

But he did not finish, because Antonio tore up the stairs before he was able. About thirty seconds passed before there was another explosion of noise that rivaled the last. "Go away, bastard!"

"Lovi, please…"

"Don't call me that, _Dios_, _nonno _used to call me that, just, just go away!" His words were just as strained as they were furious.

The sound of a door hitting the wall caused Kiku to jump in his seat yet again. Before he could even register what was happening, a man immerged from the upstairs. He looked almost identical to Feliciano, save for his darker hair and the scowl on his face that looked to be perpetual. Without warning, all of his anger was focused directly on Feliciano. He gripped the front of his hair, then threw his hands up and finally shouted, "Dammit, Feliciano, why couldn't you have done more for him? You were his goddamn nurse!"

Antonio was not far behind. "Lovino, you know that isn't fair."

It wasn't, but Antonio's statement did nothing to change the affect Lovino's words had already taken. Feliciano reeled back as if he had been slapped, tears spilled down his cheeks in seconds, and he made a small, tortured sound that was almost a sob. Ludwig stood up immediately. "There was nothing more he could have done!"

Lovino's eyes suddenly softened, and the fire thrashing behind them screeched to a halt. His expression turned to something closer to pained horror, likely a reaction to his own words. "Feli, I'm sorry. I know you did all you could, I…"

But it was too late. Now, it was Feliciano's turn to run up the steps. Ludwig's face went white, then switched the annoyance, and finally went to pained resignation before he followed him. Lovino stood still, silent, before letting out a sound between a sob and a scream and wiping his eyes with his arms in a frantic, jerking motion. All Antonio could do was pat his back.

Kiku took it as a sign to leave.

He decided to walk home, despite the cold and the howling winds. If anything, he was grateful for the chance to clear his head. No matter how hard he tried, however, he could not quite eradicate two stubborn questions from flooding into his thoughts again and again. One, was he doing enough for Heracles?

Two, how was he supposed to stop doing it?

_._

The day by the fireplace felt like the last of something. In the two weeks that followed, Heracles could barely move, barely do much of anything without assistance. He could not eat or stay awake for long; his breath was hard and shallow. All he did was lie in bed, Larry as well as Kiku never far from his side. And somehow, Kiku managed to hold it together. Not once did he cry. He simply did not allow himself to do it. Somewhere along the line, he was sure he had lost the ability.

December was in full swing. The nights were long and they days were short, winds grew colder, the sky turned grey. Only one thing was missing… "Snow."

Kiku was surprised to hear Heracles speak. Their conversations had grown to be almost completely one-sided. While it was still a habit to lie down with him everyday after work, it had become expected that Kiku would simply talk to Heracles. He would go on about anything, the words probably not even mattering. He was sure he could slip into his mother tongue and Heracles would not have been able to notice. But each and every time he was convinced it did not matter and stopped speaking, Heracles would lightly squeeze his hand, signaling that he wished he would keep going. Kiku always did.

Taken off guard, Kiku looked up. He was sitting on a chair by their bedside, facing the window. Sure enough, snow had begun to fall. He had been too busy watching Heracles to notice. "Wow," he said. "The first of the year."

Heracles said nothing for some time. Slowly, he picked up Kiku's hand and held it gently, weakly. "Beautiful…" He paused, took a shuddering breath. "Like you."

Kiku just nodded through his chest tightened at the words, moved his free hand from his lap and absently ran it across Heracles's hair. He wondered what was making his eyes look so unfocused, whether it was all the painkillers he was on or just another side effect. He was only able to sit up because of the pillows stacked behind him. Kiku looked up and out the window again, and before he knew it, he was speaking the way he'd grown accustomed- without expecting an answer. "I wonder if we will live in a cold place in the next life."

It was almost as if Heracles looked not at him, but through him. Even though it become normal for him not to comprehend what was being said, something in his eyes said that he had understood. "Love you." If the room had not been as silent as it was, Kiku would not have been able to hear his whispers.

Kiku smiled, ever so faintly. "Yes, I love you too." He looked up again, seeing that the snow had picked up and was now swirling in the air. The room had grown slightly darker; colder- one of the clouds from the coming blizzard must have passed over the sun. "Look at it out there," he said absent-mindedly. He paused, watched a snowflake melt on the frosted window and continued without even realizing it. "There are so many possibilities, really. For all we know, we could end up as blades of grass. I still hope we will be astronauts, though. That has always been my favorite." Kiku wanted desperately to believe that. For weeks now he had told himself, again and again, that he did.

Heracles attempted something that was almost a nod. That, like everything else, seemed to be in slow motion. "Tired…" he said in a breath.

Kiku nodded and brushed his hair back again. "You can go to sleep, Heracles." He wondered why Heracles looked almost reluctant, why his pale eyes were so glossy, why he seemed to hold Kiku's hand tighter. "It's okay." For whatever reason, that seemed crucial to say.

A howling gust of wind turned Kiku's gaze to the window again. The sky was almost completely white, only broken up by the branches swaying in the breeze, though those were slowly turning white with piling snow. He watched, mesmerized, for what felt to be a very long time. "Something, isn't it?" There was no response. Kiku expected as much. He continued to watch the snow.

He did not look away until he felt Heracles's hand slip from his.

"Heracles?" Kiku assumed he had fallen asleep, but that had never happened before. He looked away from the window and glanced at him. "Heracles?" He said it softer this time. A gust of wind blew so hard it nearly shook the house. Heracles did not move, did not open his eyes. Kiku's heart stopped in his chest. "Heracles…" Everything suddenly felt distant, frozen. Though his hand shook, Kiku pressed two fingers against Heracles's neck.

He must have sat there for an eternity, searching for a beat that was no longer there.

"Oh." The air had been stolen from his lungs. The world turned grey, fell from beneath his feet, split into pieces. Kiku pushed the chair aside, his head spinning, and got to his knees. "Oh my God." He did not even hear himself say it. His hands seemed to move without the consent of his brain. He picked up Heracles's hands, touched the fabric of his shirt, ran his fingers through his hair. It was as though he wanted to commit every last thing to memory. He held the sides of his face and kissed him, gently. Maybe he was expecting his eyes to open, like a fairytale. "Heracles…"

And Kiku laid his head slowly, carefully, against his chest. No heartbeat. No warmth. He closed his eyes, and he waited. He waited for the tears, waited for the hysteria, waited for the apocalypse to begin from somewhere inside of him. And he waited, and waited, and waited. But nothing happened. He did not shed a tear, did not fall to the floor. The sun did not fall from the sky, nor did the air turn to fire. Kiku felt as numb and cold as the storm outside. "Oh," he said again. He had forgotten how to say anything else.

Had he forgotten how to feel, too?

Everything was too calm, too quiet and too dreamlike. All Kiku could do was call Dr. Beilschmidt. The ringing seemed far too loud in the silence. "Hello?" said Ludwig when he picked up.

Kiku did not greet him, did not say anything besides, "It happened."

"What happened?" At first, Ludwig sounded confused. Then, he made a sound that was likely a choked back gasp, and his tone abruptly changed. "My God. Kiku, I am so sorry. I will send help right now, all right? I will send Matthew with them. It will be okay. Please, do not panic."

Panic? Kiku almost wished he were panicking. That would make far more sense than the callous, dissociated feeling of numbness that had enveloped him in a thick fog. He must have forgotten how to feel. After all these months of pushing his emotions away, that was only the logical explanation. He did not even want to consider the other possibility… what if he did not love Heracles enough? Was that why all he was not panicking, why he was not screaming in the agony he knew he should feel but for whatever reason, wasn't? The only feeling more powerful than numbness at that moment was sudden, powerful self-loathing.

The entire world seemed to stay still while Kiku waited for the funeral home staff to arrive. He did not move from Heracles's side the entire time. He held his hand, kissed his lips, touched his hair- anything to try and convince himself that this was real. Still, nothing happened. There was no epiphany, no light bulb moment. If Kiku was any closer to crying by the time he heard sirens outside, it was out of nothing but frustration. When there was a harsh pounding at the door, he stood up, feeling frustratingly, horrifically calm, and let in the staff. A few people he did not recognize burst past him. A moment later, Matthew jumped from the ambulance and scurried over.

"Kiku," said Matthew when he reached the door. His eyes were glossy, his face pained. He looked sympathetic. Kiku had to look away. It was sympathy he did not deserve. "I'm so sorry, Kiku."

"No, it is okay, I am…" Kiku closed his mouth. He about to say he was _fine. _And really, if he was going to be completely honest with himself, he was fine. He was fine, and it was unforgivable. Heracles was gone, and he was acting as if nothing had happened. Matthew looked as if he was debating if he should hug him, but Kiku crossed his arms over his chest and took a step back so that was not possible. He bit down on his lip so hard he tasted blood. "Please come in."

A series of noise filtered in from the bedroom, but Kiku ignored it. He sat down on the couch- the very same he had fallen asleep with Heracles on just weeks ago- and watched as Matthew sat on the opposite side. "My heart goes out to you. I understand that this is a very difficult time," he said. Kiku just nodded along, barely even hearing him. "I suppose we should discuss the stages of grief, so you know what to expect…"

Kiku lost focus. He drifted in and out of the conversation, only catching bits and pieces of what Matthew was saying. He felt guilty about it, knowing full well that Dr. Williams was only trying to help, but he could not get himself to latch onto his words. Everything felt far away, unreal. His body had numbed, his mind blurred. His thoughts reminded him of static on a broken television channel. However, he did manage to notice one thing. Whenever he tried to turn towards the bedroom and see what was going on, Matthew said Kiku's name, quickly and loudly. This got him to turn his attention in the other direction. After this had happened three times, he stopped trying to look.

Kiku did not focus back in until he heard the front door close. The house fell quiet again, the burst of activity screeching to a halt, and Matthew sighed. "Would you like me to stay, Kiku?"

"Oh." Kiku shook his head in an unsuccessful attempt to clear the static. "No, it is alright." And why was it?

Matthew nodded. "Okay. I understand. You know where my office is, right? Please, come in any time. I'm sure I can find time between patients if you ever need to talk." There was that sympathetic tone again. The guilt was so overpowering that Kiku's body felt heavier.

"Yes, I know where it is. Thank you." Kiku almost felt as if his words were rehearsed.

The conversation must have wrapped up and Kiku must have said other things that he did not hear, because before he even realized Matthew had stood, he was alone again. And again, he waited. And again, nothing happened. So Kiku just sat there, seemingly mesmerized by the paint on the walls, feeling robotic and empty. He sat there until the blizzard stopped and the sky grew dark.

Eventually, Kiku reached a conclusion: He must have turned his emotions off for so long that he had forgotten how to turn them back on.

* * *

><p><em>To be continued... (Yes, there's seriously more)<em>


	14. Chapter 14

**Happy Birthday to Ivan Braginsky! And also to me, but I think we all know who's more important. As a birthday gift from me to you, here's the untimely demise of my beloved OTP. Ahaha. Ha.**

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><p>The morning after what should have been the worst day of his life, the day that should have ended his world, Kiku woke up to his alarm without a problem. He moved through the cold, unfeeling fog that now followed him everywhere, got ready, and went to work. He did it like nothing had happened. Like he had never met Heracles to begin with.<p>

When he arrived at the hospital, Feliciano and Ludwig were sitting at the table, talking amongst themselves. Feliciano had returned to work a few days prior. Though he still seemed quieter, somber, he was getting better. Slowly. When he laid eyes on Kiku, however, he suddenly became ten times as animated as he had been in months. _"Mio Dio, _Kiku, what are you doing here?" He shot up from the table so quickly he nearly tripped, ran over, and gripped Kiku's arms. Kiku pulled away. "Oh my God, you need to be home! I'm so sorry about Heracles, I cried when I heard what happened, we're here for you, if you ever need anything-"

Ludwig stood up with far less energy. "Feliciano," he said warningly. Feliciano stopped speaking, and his expression morphed into the same sympathetic look Matthew had. Ludwig walked over with a similar look in his eyes. Kiku looked away. "You do realize you are not expected to be here, correct? You should take a personal day."

Kiku blinked, feeling almost confused. He was scheduled to work today, so he was at work. That was all there was to it. "I am scheduled for a shift."

"I could speak to Mr. Edelstein for you. I am certain he would understand."

There was no doubt in Kiku's mind that Roderich, their house supervisor, would understand. That was not the issue. If he took the day off, what was he supposed to do? Stare at the walls and wait for the feelings he knew he should have, all while the guilt ate him alive? Work would provide nothing if not a sense of normality- something that had been missing from his life for months. "I will be fine."

For far longer than what was comfortable, Ludwig just stared at him. A series of expressions passes over his face in rapid-fire speed- sympathy, then disbelief, and finally something that looked a cross between sadness and resignation. It was actually strange to watch. "If you are sure."

Kiku nodded. If there was one thing left that he was sure about, it was this. He gathered his things and set off to go to his first patient, trying and failing to ignore the eyes of his coworkers burning into his back as he went, pretending he did not hear their nervous whispers. It was not until he stopped walking that he realized he had gone to Heracles's room out of habit.

.

Even though he had not gone through it since his grandfather passed during his early childhood, Kiku was fairly certain this was not how mourning worked. Three days passed effortlessly, numbly. If anything, life without Heracles in his house felt… strange. Nothing more and nothing less. It felt like music had been abruptly switched off after playing continuously for hours. It was empty, but somehow it was not devastating. Kiku went to work, ate, slept- he simply continued living, though he felt less than alive. He did not feel dead, either. He simply felt as though he did not exist.

The silence was finally broken on the third day, when there was a knock at the door. Kiku stood up from where he was sitting, only occupied by staring at the wall- something he had been doing a lot of lately. He walked over to the door, opened it, and saw that it was Yao. "Kiku," he said as if he was afraid to speak. "I know we haven't been talking, but…"

Kiku held out his hand, stopping him. "This is my fault." And it was. Kiku had barely been in contact with his brother, and he had not even done it intentionally. What he had said so many months ago was hurtful, sure, but it was hardly worth holding a grudge over. The lack of communication was a result of nothing other than neglectfulness. "Please come in."

So Yao did, though he looked hesitant to. He walked into Kiku's house like someone had a gun to his temple. After a few moments in this strange, silent trance, he sighed as if he had been holding his breath. "I heard what happened."

"Oh." Kiku was hardly surprised. "I see."

"How are you doing?"

If only that wasn't as loaded of a question as it was. Kiku opened his mouth to speak only to shut it when he realized he didn't have an answer. He could say he was fine, but at the same time, that was exactly the reason why he _wasn't _fine. He only spoke when he noticed Yao was staring at him intently, obviously waiting for an answer. "I…" Kiku cleared his throat. "I am not completely certain." It was all he could think to say.

To his relief, Yao nodded as though he understood. He clasped his hands together behind his back. "I understand he was living with you."

Out of instinct alone, Kiku glanced towards the bedroom. "Yes."

The ticking of a nearby clock was suddenly so loud it rang in Kiku's ears. Yao looked as though he was at a loss for words. He looked uncomfortable, standing stiffly in the middle of the room, and Kiku could not say he felt much different. Still, neither of them moved an inch. "That must have been difficult," said Yao finally.

"Sort of." Kiku shrugged. Yes, caring for Heracles full time was, at times, difficult. That did not mean he wouldn't do it again without a second thought. Still without looking at his brother, he spoke without thinking. "I love him."

Yao made a small sound that suggested he had begun to say something, but stopped himself. When he noticed Kiku looking at him, he sighed and looked up. "Most people would say loved."

Then, Kiku finally began to feel something. It was not sadness like he expected it to be, but rather something far less common for him- anger. It boiled his blood and caused his hands to curl into fists. Did Yao think that he did not speak English, or did he simply think he was incompetent? "No," he said. "No, Yao. I still love Heracles, and it does not matter that he is-"

Kiku suddenly could not breathe. Like puzzle pieces locking together, something clicked in his mind. The rest of the world faded away, broke into pieces, tumbled on top of him and crushed him. Every inch of his body ached, screamed, shut down. "…dead." Hearing himself say it only amplified the feeling times ten. His vision blurred; his throat closed. He wanted Heracles. He wanted him right then, wanted him to hold him, wanted him to smile and pull some philosophical thing out of thin air that somehow made everything better. It was an overpowering, painful, torturous need a thousand times stronger than anything he had felt in his life.

And he would never be able to have that again.

Kiku's pulse sped up to a point that he thought it would explode from his body. He was deafened by the ringing in his ears, blinded by the way the room was suddenly spinning around him. He did not even hear himself when he continued to speak. "Heracles…" But even if he did not hear himself, the word blew through his mind like a bullet. He was certain he was dying. He wanted to. There was no way this kind of pain was possibly if he wasn't. "I can't breathe…"

Without warning, the ground was no longer beneath his feet. He heard Yao screaming his name, saying something that might as well have been in another language. He felt himself being caught, held, and for a moment he allowed himself to believe it actually was Heracles and the last few days had been nothing more than a horrible dream. Finally, when the room stopped spinning long enough to make sense of the sound around him, Kiku was able to understand some of what Yao was saying. "You can breathe, Kiku, please just try!"

He tried to follow the order, even if it felt like inhaling hot tar. He realized he was finally crying, harder than he ever had in his life. At his own grandfather's funeral, he had sat stiff-lipped, only shredding a few silent tears. Now he could not even see, and he felt as if he was being smothered. It was an unfamiliar, humiliating, awful feeling, and yet he hardly cared. It was not until the air went back to normal that Kiku could say something that made sense. "Heracles is gone, Yao." He took a deep, trembling breath that burned his lungs. "Forever." And for the first time, he believed it.

Once Kiku was steady enough to stand, Yao let him go with a heavy sigh. "I think you should go lie down," he said. "And I'm calling your work. You aren't going in tomorrow."

Once the panic left him, Kiku was overcome by a heavy exhaustion that weighed down his lungs and rendered him too fatigued to move. His body just felt heavy. So this was the feeling he had been waiting for. He nodded, far too tired to open his mouth and form words. The denial had vanished. For the past few days, at least part of him had been convinced that he would go into work, walk to Heracles's room, and open the door to see him smiling back at him. Now, the truth had finally set it. Part of him wished he could just go back to feeling guilty. All that time ago, when he and Heracles had first met, Yao had been right- knowing truly was different than understanding.

All Kiku wanted to do was sleep, but when he reached his bed, he realized he couldn't. The cruel world refused to leave him be. All he could do was cry.

.

After Yao visited and Kiku's world imploded, he entered what could only be described as hell itself.

He was given a week off. One week to supposedly recover, one week to somehow piece himself back together after being shattered. After seven days he was supposed to be okay, even if he was sure nothing would ever be okay again. Finally, he started to realize the consequences of pretending he had no emotions. Every emotion he had been repressing slammed into him both all at once and repeatedly during that awful, torturous week that seemed to last about a million years. They tore him apart, suffocated him, and there was no escape.

For most of his life, Kiku had a consistent sleep schedule. He would go to bed around ten, every night, and then wake up around six, every morning. During this week, the line between awake and asleep seemed to blur dramatically. He was in bed far too much, and when he was, he felt as if he was trapped in some strange limbo between the two states. There was no semblance of a routine. Sleep was his only relief, and he did it either far too little or way too much. He could not even be sure.

Kiku had never raised his voice much. He had always tried to stay composed, soft-spoken. During this week, he frequently found himself screaming at the top of his lungs. It was a miracle none of his neighbors called the police in fear that he was being slaughtered. He screamed into pillows, into the air around him, and on a few occasions, while he threw something against the wall. It was all he could think to do to try and relieve some of the painful pressure pressing down on him every second of every day. Sometimes he screamed Heracles's name, and sometimes he could only whisper it. Then he would cry. He cried ten times more than he ever had in his life during that one week. It was like living in another dimension.

If Kiku held any belief in a god prior to that week, it was gone by the time it ended. He had never known such pure, intense pain existed. He was completely sure no god would allow it. No god would take Heracles away at twenty-seven. And that was what kept getting to him. Heracles was twenty-seven years old when he died from something he was far too young for, something that could have been corrected if it was caught in time. That was what caused Kiku to drink too much, scream too loudly, barely eat, and cry until his eyes grew red and he ran out of tears. That was what made it possible to sleep without actually resting. It was just so, so unfair. It was too cruel. Yet that was the reality he was living in now.

Kiku knew he was acting like a train wreck, and more than anything, he knew Heracles would not want this. Of course he would not want this. No matter how clear that was, it did nothing to lessen the pain. He could not stop himself from falling apart.

And then there was one day, one horrific, surreal day that he would never forgive himself for. For a moment of complete insanity, a heart-stopping thought entered his mind: Heracles was a mistake. If Kiku had not met him, had not fallen in love, this would not be happening. But as soon as the thought registered, Kiku pushed it away and vowed never to consider such a thing again. Even if he felt as if he was drowning while simultaneously being lit on fire, he would never regret loving Heracles over something as petty as his own comfort after the fact. Heracles had changed his world. He would have done it all over again in a heartbeat. And even if Kiku was out of it the day his death finally hit him, he had meant what he said: He still loves Heracles. Love, not loved.

Eventually, Kiku accepted that he had to at least try to pull himself together. When his week in hell came to a close and he opened his front door for the first time since it started, the sunlight nearly blinded him. It was too bright. The world in general was too bright, too alive. Still, Kiku pushed through and went to work. He had a job to do. Life without Heracles was still his life and he had to live it, even if he honestly didn't want to anymore. Even if it seemed pointless.

He did it for him.

.

It was a cruel coincidence that the day Kiku returned to work was one of the days the hospice department had a meeting. The conferences took place every couple of weeks and involved everyone who had anything to do with hospice, including the nurses. So Kiku sat sandwiched between Feliciano and Ludwig, both of them too quiet, all three of them pretending things were normal. Kiku was barely able to keep his eyes open, hardly feeling alive. He did not look up until Roderich began to list the patients who had died during the previous month.

There were far too many names, but Kiku was deaf to all but two. "…Roma Vargas, Heracles Karpusi…"

And there was that drowning feeling again. Kiku almost went back to habit, almost tried to will away his emotions and withdrawal into himself. But he was not able to, because Feliciano silently reached out and took his hand. Kiku thought to pull away, but decided not to. At least he was not alone. Feliciano looked to the side and smiled, though it didn't carry to his eyes. Kiku managed to smile back, somehow.

After the meeting, Ludwig had mumbled something about the psychiatric wing and disappeared. It was not until the remaining two were in the staffroom that the silence was broken. Feliciano tapped Kiku on the shoulder, and when he turned around, Kiku noticed that Feliciano looked almost timid. That was nothing if not new. "Is something wrong, Feliciano?"

Feliciano flipped his hand dismissively. "No, no," he said. He messed with his hair and shifted his weight to one foot as if he were nervous. "I just had something to ask you, that's all."

Kiku nodded. "Alright."

"Well," said Feliciano. He broke off, sighed, and then looked up apologetically. "Mr. Edelstein has a Christmas party every year on Christmas eve. I know the timing is really bad and everything is a mess right now, but I was wondering if you wanted to come. Ludwig and I are going." Feliciano wrung his hands together. "I thought, you know, maybe it would help take our minds off of everything."

If Kiku was to list the things he was planning to do that Christmas, partying of any kind would be somewhere under option two thousand. His life had turned on its side, morphed into something else entirely, and then finally shattered into sharp fragments over the past six months alone. Things were far too chaotic and recently, far too awful to even consider it. Still, he could not tell himself that what Feliciano was saying made no sense. He could not be sure if he could trust himself to be alone on Christmas with nothing but thoughts of Heracles to keep him company.

So, against all better judgment, he said, "Sure, Feliciano. I will come."

Feliciano smiled like he hadn't in weeks. "Yay, Kiku! It'll be fun, okay? I promise. Bring whoever you want."

When Kiku's immediate thought was _Heracles might like to go, _he had to close his eyes momentarily. These kinds of thoughts still snuck up on him when he least expected them. "I think I will go alone," he said. "Thank you, though."

Feliciano nodded. He said nothing for a long while, but he did not move, either. It was as if he was fighting with himself. "Hey, Kiku?" he said finally.

"Yes?"

"How are you doing?"

Kiku was sure he would be hearing that question quite a bit for a while. This time, he could definitely not say he was fine. He felt no need to lie, either. "I have been better." Maybe it was a lie by omission. Kiku was fairly certain he had never been worse.

Feliciano nodded again. "Me too," he said. "Have you talked with Matthew at all? I've been seeing him on Tuesdays. It helps a little."

"Oh, no, I haven't." Truth be told, Kiku did not want to speak to anyone. He just wanted to forget this had ever happened, and at the same time, he wanted to hold onto it forever.

"Oh." Feliciano looked at the ground. "Well, maybe think about it?"

"Alright."

Kiku and Feliciano parted ways. Without making the conscious decision to do so, Kiku went to Heracles's old room and closed the door behind him. He could not be sure why he was doing this. Maybe he felt closer to him this way; maybe he just wanted to escape for a few minutes. Whatever the reason was, he did not want to leave, even if it would make him late. Unsure what else to do, Kiku sat on his old bed. For what felt like a very long time, he sat there looking out the window, noticing all the little things.

.

For the first time in his life, Kiku hated the snow.

He had never particularly loved it before, but now that it reminded him of the worst day of his life, the very sight of it made him want to lock himself in his house and never come out. Really, there was hardly anything left that did not somehow remind him of Heracles. Cats, Aristotle, stars, the green eyes of strangers- it all tied back to him. Most of it was pretty easy to avoid…but not the snow. Now that it was Christmas Eve and Kiku was trudging up Roderich's monstrous driveway in the middle of what was almost a blizzard, he was surrounded by it. Surrounded by memories.

The colored lights twinkling in the distance seemed too bright, almost mocking. Kiku was glad there were no stars. He wanted the world around him to be dull, bleak, just so it would match how he felt. He almost considered going back, getting in his car and returning home. There was no doubt it would be easier. But Kiku figured he had already made it this far, and besides, he had made a promise to Feliciano.

A pretty young woman in a green dress greeted Kiku at the door. "Oh, you must be Kiku! I'm Elizabeta, Roderich's fiancé." She looked cheerful enough, but that same sympathy was present in her eyes. Somehow, she must have gotten at least enough of the story. It had been barely two weeks, and Kiku was already beyond tired of that look.

Even so, he attempted something that was almost a smile and shook her hand. Maybe he could not stop himself from feeling pain, but he could damn well pretend things were normal. "Yes, and you are a doctor in intensive care?" he said as he walked inside and removed his coat.

Elizabeta smiled, took his coat and hung it on the rack. "The very same! Hopefully Roderich isn't too much of a pain to work with." Then, she laughed. Kiku tried to do the same, but in the end, he couldn't.

Feliciano was not at the party yet, and neither was Ludwig. With them not being there, Kiku knew next to no one save for the occasional familiar face. He recognized a few as other nurses, the occasional doctor. Matthew was talking to someone rather excitedly on the other side of the room. Christmas music played on a nearby stereo; people were drinking, laughing. Life was happening all around him, yet Kiku felt completely detached from his. After a few moments of standing idly, he somehow managed to find a spot to sit among the crowd. It had barely been five minutes, and he was already exhausted.

Kiku found himself staring at Roderich's Christmas tree. Like everything else in the house, it was huge and beautifully decorated. Kiku didn't even have at tree. December had been far too busy, stressful, life altering and world-destroying of a month to even consider it. He wondered if Heracles would have liked a tree…

"Merry Christmas, Kiku."

Kiku looked up to Matthew standing over him, drink in hand, careful smile playing on his lips. He must have broken away from whoever he was speaking to just to be here. Kiku was not sure whether to be grateful or strangely annoyed. Either way, he said, "Oh, Merry Christmas."

Matthew sat down next to him on the couch and folded his hands in his lap. Even here, he still carried an air of professionalism. "Quite a crowd, huh?"

"It certainly is." Kiku traced a few lines in the arm of the couch. "Mr. Edelstein seems to know quite a few people." It was bleatingly obvious that they were both skirting around the elephant in the room. It was the only thing bigger than the tree.

As if Matthew had read his mind, he sighed and his tight smile fell. "It was really brave of you to come, Kiku. I'm sure it wasn't easy."

It wasn't, but Kiku shrugged dismissively anyway. "I will have to move on sometime." The words sounded ridiculous the moment they reached his own ears. He might as well have said he was ready to move on from breathing.

"Don't be too hard on yourself. It's been a very short amount of time, Kiku. No one is expecting you to be fine right away," said Matthew. "I hope you know that my offer still stands. You can come see me anytime."

Kiku knew that, but at the same time, it seemed irrelevant. He had no idea what he would talk about if he did go. He was certain that he did not want to tell anyone about the way he spent his week off. That was a secret he intended to take to the grave. Beyond that, what else was there to say? Heracles was dead. Kiku was broken. It really was that simple. Then again, he was managing to hold it together as of right now. Maybe he really was getting better; maybe he really was fine…

"There's a quote that hangs in my office. 'Happiness depends upon ourselves.'"

The words were too familiar. Kiku curled his fingers into his hand and swallowed hard. "And who is that quote by?" His voice was dangerously close to being strained.

"Aristotle."

"Oh." Kiku closed his eyes briefly only to be met by the image of Heracles reading similar quotes to him, speaking with such passion, smiling up at him when he was done… The lights on the tree were suddenly blinding, the air too thick, the voices around him ten times louder than they were. Kiku could only whisper. "Excuse me, please."

Before Matthew had any time to respond, Kiku stood up, turned on his heel and walked off to an unknown location. All he knew was he needed to get away- from the party, from other people, from himself…he could not even be sure. He eventually found his escape- a door leading to a patio. For once, the snow falling against his face served as a relief. Once he was able to breathe again, Kiku collapsed into one of the chairs. He closed his eyes, sighed in a puff of white, and tried to leave his own body.

He was so tired of this. His emotions used to make perfect sense to him. He used to have complete control. He used to be a professional. He used to be able to make sense of absolutely everything. Maybe he was quite dull before. Kiku could honestly not tell what was worse: endless monotony, or this.

Roderich had begun to play the piano. Kiku did not open his eyes, did not try to do anything but drown out his conflicted, racing thoughts with the lilting notes of the carols he had heard time and time again. Eventually, it worked. His breathing grew steady along with his heartbeat, and for just a moment, things felt truly okay. It was not until he heard the door creak open that he opened his eyes.

"Mind if I join you?"  
>Kiku turned around to see Feliciano in a Santa hat, clutching two glasses of wine. Surprisingly, he was not upset that his moment of isolation had been broken. If anything, he was happy to see a familiar, friendly face. And somehow, he knew Feliciano would not be talking his ear off tonight. "Of course, Feliciano. But do you mind the cold?" Kiku quickly realized how strange he must have seemed. After all, it was probably only twenty degrees.<p>

"No, it's pretty hot in there anyway. The cool air feels nice." Feliciano sat down and handed one of the glasses to Kiku, who took it with a thankful nod. For a long moment, they only stared into their glasses and watched the snow melt against the glass. From the other side of the door they could hear talking, laughing, dancing. Kiku glanced inside to see Elizabeta swaying to the song Roderich was playing- _Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas. _Another couple danced beside her, and Matthew had joined the group of people around the piano. Feliciano's quiet voice cut through it all. "Sorry I was late. I was trying to get Lovino to come with me, but…" He stopped speaking. There was no need to explain. "Ludwig should be here soon. Hopefully. He's with his brother."

Kiku nodded. Over the months, he had been able to piece together Ludwig's situation enough to make sense of it. "How are you doing, Feliciano?" This time, he wanted to be the one to ask the question.

Feliciano took a long sip of his wine. "There are good days and bad days. I try to make most of them good days, though. I know that's what _nonno _would have wanted."

How Feliciano was still smiling throughout all of this, Kiku could not be sure. He supposed he had misjudged him earlier. Despite his tendency to wear his emotions on his sleeve for the world to see, Feliciano really did have a knack for piecing himself together and bouncing back, no matter what.

"How about you, Kiku? I know I pretty much forced you to come here and the timing was really bad, you probably needed more time, I'm really sorry, Matthew was talking to me a minute ago, and…" Feliciano broke out of his rant as if saying too much. He spoke his next words quietly, almost like he was afraid of them. "I know you really miss Heracles."

No one had dared say his name out loud for at least a week… at least around Kiku, that is. Hearing his name spoken out loud struck far deeper than the snow or a quote from a Greek philosopher. Still, Kiku did not break again. He held himself together, and at least part of him believed that Feliciano's presence had something to do with that. Maybe his optimism was contagious. Instead of desperate and frantic, Kiku just felt far away, strangely calm. Before he even realized his mouth had opened, he said, "He could have been a vet, you know."

Feliciano looked up and blinked a few times, his expression blank. "I'm sorry?"

"Heracles." Kiku looked up and stared into the falling snow, not even minding when it clung to his eyelashes and caused his eyes to water. "He could have been a lot of things, really. He could have been a vet like he wanted to be, or a historian, or an author…anything." A strong gust of wind caused Kiku's eyes to water more- at least he told himself that was the cause. He swallowed hard, gave a short sigh that was nearly a humorless laugh. "And he didn't even make it to thirty."

"Oh, Kiku…" Feliciano trailed off. As if he had run out of words for what was possibly the first time, he scooted his chair over until the arms of the two were touching. And that was enough. Kiku felt tears sting his eyes, and he made the decision to go against what he had been doing for months. He let them fall. Feliciano did not speak until almost a full minute later. "I know how you feel, kind of. Roma never got to finish his novel."

It helped, knowing he was not completely alone. Kiku tried to steer the conversation in a lighter direction. "What was it about?"

Feliciano smiled to himself, likely remembering. "It was a fairytale. He would never admit it, but I think he based the princess off of our _nonna." _

"I am sure it was lovely." Sometimes, that dreaded past tense was just necessary.

"It was." Feliciano almost seemed as though he did not want to talk about it. Seconds after, the door flew open so forcefully it was a miracle it did not fall off the hinges.

They both whipped around simultaneously to see Ludwig standing there, beer in hand, a cross between a scowl and a look of resignation on his face. Without a word, Ludwig slammed the door shut, sat in the chair closest to Feliciano and ripped the bottle cap off with his bare hands. "Merry fucking Christmas."

Kiku had never heard Ludwig curse before, but given all that was happening around him, it was hardly a surprise. Feliciano only had to say one thing. "Gilbert?" His voice was gentle. Even though Ludwig seemed to radiate rage, Feliciano did not hesitate to take his hand. Surprisingly, Ludwig did not resist it.

"Yes," said Ludwig. He took a long drink of his beer. "He just… _Gott, _they would not even let him out for Christmas. And even if they did, I am not even sure he would want to see me. He hates me. He _hates _me."

Feliciano shook his head vehemently. "No, Ludwig, he doesn't hate you!"

Kiku stayed silent, and for a long moment, so did Ludwig. Feliciano removed his Santa hat and placed it on Ludwig's head. "I just…" Ludwig patted the hat absent-mindedly. It seemed so out of place and silly for the circumstances. "I don't want to talk about it. Not now."

And that was the unspoken agreement. Even though he had barely said three sentences about him, Kiku could not bring himself to talk about Heracles for a second longer. Feliciano obviously did not want to bring up his grandfather anymore. And now, Ludwig almost seemed as though he wanted to forget his brother existed. Putting all that aside, there was nothing else to talk about. There was no point. So for the rest of the party, the three of them sat together without speaking a word.

Somehow, it helped.

* * *

><p><em>To be continued...<em>


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